To think women are being mislead that they can have children anytime when they want

[Mythought]

One of my friends started TTC at 35 with a new partner whom she knows for very short while only to find out her egg reserve is very low. She has been ttc for 2.5 years now. She was under the impression that she'll have DC whenever she'll be ready and want.
Similar has happened to other colleagues and friends of friends who started TTC later after 35. I think media gives false impression to women that they can have children whenever they'll want only leading to disappointment and people need to be aware of the biological aspects of fertility. Researches have shown that the fertility for women start dropping after 34 years. If more women were aware of this then they Will make better choices.

If I'd had a baby at 30 when I was the higher earner by a long way but in a job that only paid stat maternity, and when we were still renting, you'd have told me I was making poor decisions then too. Age is not the only factor and frankly I'm sick of being blamed for having graduated into a recession in 2008 and choosing a life partner based on his qualities as a decent human being rather than his earning potential. For fuck's sake.

@FacingDivorceButSad , "geriatric mother' was used for a pregnant woman aged 30 in the 1980s. It's now 35. The term is dated but not vile.

In answer to the question in the title of your thread "To think women are being mislead that they can have children anytime when they want?" - no, they are not. I think your friend is rather dim and that you shouldn't base what women think on what she does or thinks!

I think it depends what media you're consuming. Some media sources are very keen to remind women that their biological clock is ticking (urgh, hate that phrase). I was hyper aware of my fertility at 34.

The only misleading thing nowadays is the information about ivf or egg freezing. They are heavily advertised as being an easy and fast solution to any fertility problem when in fact the success rates are low even for younger couples. So perhaps some see it as a valid choice and postpone ttcing. Nevertheless, I am sure many women know about their fertility declining and any resource available online or any reputable doctor will state the facts. Some leave it too late due to personal circumstances but they are in no way to be blamed or considered uneducated.

Thats not the societal message I’ve received. I’ve felt a burden of do I/don’t I since turning 30 when the biological clock ticks more loudly.

As it turns out, I probably don’t want kids but I’m also of the impression 35 is largely a cliff edge and I’ll struggle if I try after that.

I think everyone knows this, but think it doesn't mean them and that it will be a doddle to conceive.

It has been said on here that men have the luxury of time, but an older man still has to convince a woman to bear his child.
If I was a young fertile woman who wanted to be a mother there's no way I'd be wasting my young fertile eggs and body on poor quality old man sperm.
I would choose a young healthy fit man to father my child.

OP, people vary. Families vary. Health varies.

I had ds (my only) at 45 & 2 months, on one ovary & tube without actually trying to get pregnant. My dm had babies at 30, 34, 38, 42 and 44. My dsis had babies at 39 and 43. Another dsis 42 & 44. My grandmother had 14 dcs, basically one every 18 months For us it's a family norm to have children late.

Others will be different of course but saying people are being misled is not true. Every woman knows the AVERAGE egg reserve drops after 35. Which means some reduce earlier than that.

I 100% agree with you @Mythought but you won't get many women on Mumsnet agreeing with you because the average age for a mum of a first-born seems to be about 43. 🙄 In the real world, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women I know who had their first over the age of 40. (And I mix with, and know, multiple dozens of women from many walks of life, and across all the social classes.)

Yes your fertility does start to fall off a cliff at 35, whether people care to admit it or not. And people need to stop promoting the idea that leaving motherhood til your late 30s or older is a good idea. Because it's not.

And celebrities having babies at 42, 44, 46+ do NOT help. Many have used IVF and/or donor eggs, and it is horribly misleading. It is leading young women into a false sense of security, and a belief that they are invincible, and will conceive at 40-44, as easily as if they were a woman of 21. They won't.

There is also the fact (if they leave having a baby til 40-42,) that the kids will still be at school when they're 60! People don't think it through properly, and don't think about the bigger picture/the future.

I had mine in my late 20s, and they were at uni by the time I was in my mid-late 40s, and could never imagine having school age children now - in my early 50s. You may feel like a sprightly, fit, young woman at 42, and it's not an old age. But is IS old to have a baby. It just is. It really is.

@Mythought Make better choices?!

I think the issue is more that women are told we can have it all, a career, fun in our 20s etc. then settle down in our 30s. Unfortunately I’ve got a number of friends who, once they’ve decided they’re ready to settle down, can’t find the right man.

I think young women should be told that if you want to have children you should be thinking about who you will have then with in your 20s, don’t wait until your 30s.

Yes but on loads of threads on here when someone asks if they're too old, so many people will say 'go for it', 'I was 45 when I conceived no problem', '35 is young these days' etc etc etc

It does give people a false sense of security

It does surprise me how common it is to (seemingly at least) have children 40+. I had 35 as a cliff edge drilled into me when I was younger (I know that concept is dated now). I do think some people can be misled by particularly affluent women having children later and the circumstances not being known, celebrities especially, I assume Cameron Diaz used a surrogate but that hasn't been in any of the headlines I saw this week.

If you're not a red-pill-incel/boring male with a podcast, then tbh this thread is either a) for attention/interaction, or b) some validation that you were Right and Special to have (presumably) had kids before a certain age, that you are in a Super Special Club and your friend can never ever join. Yawn.

Shocking news: any woman can do what they want, and it's fine if they want to have kids later. There's plenty of coverage (see recent news about egg freezing etc), and no escaping the messaging that fertility declines after 35 (usually from men who recognise that essentially this is their only real leverage for getting women to be with them). Wonderfully and happily, many do still conceive and have successful pregnancies. That said, I guarantee that they will go through that pregnancy (and any others) hearing endless people tell them to expect the worst.

Women know. Your friend knows. Most people would be supportive and positive. You say you aren't criticising her, but you clearly have issues with her exercising her right to look for a partner when it suits her (why shouldn't she?) and issues with her choosing to take her time and think positively about her future. Are you even her friend?

I think most women have a very good understanding of timelines for the average woman.

I think that issue is that most women assume that they won't have any fertility issues, especially if they have had no warning signs that there may be a issue with their fertility/reproduction system.

I can't have children. Started seeking medical help at 13/14 but it took until 27 to get a diagnosis. In my case, it was pretty obvious something was wrong but a lot of people don't have any obvious warning signs.

In our teens, the messaging is: it only takes one time, be extremely careful with contraception, it is hammered hone so often etc. so it's unstandable a lot of people think it will just happen when they start trying.

While it's easy for a lot of women to get pregnant easily, there still has to be a lot of things working together to make it happen timing, egg/sperm quality, amh, thickness of lining, lenght of folicals etc. Any one of these can have a major impact.

The stats re ideal amh, success rates re ivf, iui, donor eggs, egg freezing etc aren't commonly known & most people don't become aware of them until they know they need assistance.

People assume they are going to be the norm & generally only know the standard stats.

I have a very high amh & even once enquired about donating eggs. I can't use them so though it would be good for someone else to if they wanted. I was told they were too old to be donor eggs - I was early 30s at the time. Given that's when most people start their families, it never crossed my mind that they would be too old. Naive perhaps but it was just not something I ever considered.

I think it would be great if a full female health check was encouraged in late teens/early 20s so that people who may struggle to have children realise their position earlier & can may be able to do something about it.

Typically, 20% of women still struggle to have children. It makes sense that most people assume they are in the other 80%.

OP, it is also worth noting that the youngest person in my NCT class was 35.

I'm sorry your friend has problems, but that doesn't change the fact that for some of us, it requires more effort NOT to get pregnant.

I carried on using contraception every time until I was 53 because all signs were I was still capable of conceiving.

Yes, that has overwhelmingly been the media narrative for years. Fertility ‘falls off a cliff’ at 35.

To the point where I was gobsmacked when I conceived the first time I had unprotected sex, aged 39.

I carried on using contraception every time until I was 53 because all signs were I was still capable of conceiving.

Women are advised to continue using contraception until they are through menopause. That's not unusual.

I know a lot of people who had babies in their mid to late 30s, so someone looking at our group might think it was easy and the challenges overstated.

In reality at least 50% had ivf, I suspect more. I didn't, but took three years of trying and haven't been able to have a second.

I think some people who leave it late also think ivf is no big deal and don't think about the cost, success rate and what it physically involves.

Yes, there were three people in my group of eight couples older than I was, and I gave birth two months before turning 40.

Shock horror, the media gives the public false impressions.....I mean who would EVER have thought it.

“Make better decisions”?? Christ, how obnoxious and condescending are you?

Newsflash, having a child before you want or are ready for one, is NOT making a better decision!!

I’ve never met a woman who hasn’t heard that their fertility drops off. I do think men need to be aware that the quality of their sperm declines with age. Women have had this message for decades but we haven’t really had a conversation about men delaying children and the consequences of that.

This.