Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

Does it matter if it is?

I don’t think there’s any bad reason not to have kids.

Sounds more like it’s protecting your mental and therefore physical health. But I agree with @EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel the reason doesn’t matter.

You get to life your life how you want. If you don't want kids, you don't need to justify your decision to anyone.

Be happy!

I must admit I am the same! I am 29, always wanted children and I think I still do, but I always thought I'd want to start trying around now or in the near future. But as I currently am, I cannot imagine it or the sacrifice to my life. I live a really similar lifestyle to you and frankly love it. I don't know when I'd want to give it up.

The thing is I know if we were mega rich (with the help of nannies, cooks etc) I would definitely have kids and even adopt. DF and I have a decent income but with the cost of childcare and living in London it just seems like life would be a squeeze. Dh and I both went to private school and I don’t feel like killing myself to attain that same level.

You don't seem to have the flexibility needed for raising children, probably for complex reasons, and that's fine.

No I don't think it's laziness. It sounds like you are being true to yourself and that's good.

You don't have to have kids. I don't think you are lazy but even if you were nothing wrong with that.

I'm exactly the same. I'm 33, quite comfortable (but having a child would mean needing to compromise), happy with my hobbies and quiet time. Life is easy. Life is good.

I have ummed and ahhed about having kids, but honestly, I just can't stand the thought of having someone rely on me, and not really having a life of my own for such a long time.

Better for the planet anyway, and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. I agree with you that having children is a slog day in day out and all their lives I suppose. But it works like a dream for the majority of people notwithstanding all the hard work involved!

Are you and your fiance in agreement about no children? That would be quite important.

There is a lot of pressure on women having children. There is no need to have them if you don't want to . Many people feel they should have dc and then find it hard to cope

I don’t have much maternal instinct but what I do have is channelled into fostering cats for my local rescue.

It doesn't sound like laziness, it sounds like you can only envision the negative aspects of parenting and not the positive. Before you make a final decision it might be worth trying to think about the good aspects of parenting and see if that makes any difference.

As others have said though, it's entirely up to you and you don't need to justify it or have a 'good' reason.

It's not laziness. Kids are a lot and if you think you'd hate the compromises you'd have to do too much then don't do it.

If you feel like that, don't do it. It's utterly relentless. I regret it some days (many days).

My sister didn't have kids because she just likes her life as it is and likes to have 10 or 11 hours sleep a night. Totally fair enough! She's never regretted it. You really dont have to have kids to be happy.

Also you might change your mind in 5 years - or you might not. Either way is fine.

It's one of the main reasons DH and I don't want kids. Too much work and frankly, we have a nice life and lots of free time and don't want to give it up.

I wouldn't call it laziness at all. It's just a personal decision and you're being insightful which is a v good thing. It's important to consider all aspects....you can't underestimate the impact of kids on lifestyle, they really do change everything.

I was just thinking today how I’ve been feeling tired ever since I gave birth to my first dc, 15 years ago. I didn’t have the bandwidth for dc but I got married and got pregnant just before the downsides of parenting were openly talked about on SM. It just didn’t occur to me not to.

Hormones can play havoc with your thought process. Just because you had baby lust as a teen doesn’t mean you should go for it now, especially if you’re not even plagued by biology.

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating what you have and recognising your own limitations.

It’s not laziness, it’s realism about what you have space for in your life and how you want to spend your time. Which is fine.

Even if you are wealthy with nannies you are still the parent, you are still the one they want on day 3 of the sickness bug or at 4am for years. You can only outsource so much, childcare is not another parent.

Just engaged - enjoy it and the whole wedding planning and newly married life before making a decision. You have time on your side and you might change your mind or you might not.

I think if I read what you have just written I don't think I would have had my kids either! If you're a me-time person (which I am) you will find ways to carve out this precious time - as long as you have a partner who co-parents. If you don't then I can imagine it's a relentless slog!

I think something will either click in your brain saying you're going to try for kids despite all the negatives you've listed or it won't. If the scales don't tip enough for all the hard work to feel worth it , then just continue to enjoy your lovely life as it is.

Honestly I don't blame you. I miss my child free life. I never realised just how much I would hate the school run (this is probably the worst part for me), the cooking every day, cleaning never ending.

I get you OP. But I found that the drudge work was bearable because I loved my children and wanted the best for them. I wouldn't have tolerated the sleep deprivation, weekday dinners etc etc for anyone but my children.

That's not to say it wasn't a right pain sometimes - it really was. But my love for them made it worth it and got me through.

Incidentally, I loved the school run - it was a really sociable time and I made lots of friends there. Kids now grown up and they're still my friends now! So it's not all bad.