AIBU with being angry with the school?

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Back story:

DD, 11, is in year 6 at school and has autism and adhd.

At the beginning of year 6, it transpired that a child in her class had been repeatedly slapping her around the back of the head. The other child was spoken to, told to apologise, and no further action was taken, which I was annoyed with.

On Friday the same child punched DD in the arm. I was on the school premises at the time, and they did not inform me. I only found out when I picked DD up, who was crying.

DD said that the school had told the other child that they must not do it again, but had not received a punishment nor an apology.

I rang the school immediately and asked to speak to the head, who had spoken to both children. Instead, the class teacher called me back and said "the child said she was joking so no further action is required".

I said that this was unacceptable, and I wanted to speak to the head.

It is now 18:02 on Tuesday, and nobody has contacted me despite me calling and emailing. I asked to speak to someone in person when school finished today, and was told nobody was available.

AIBU to think this is completely unacceptable and well within my rights to email the governor 30 minutes ago, or am I just being a Karen at this point? AIBU to expect that an 11 year old be punished for this?

I'm that furious I feel like punching the head to see how she likes it if it's so funny! (Obviously I wouldn't!)

Why are you making a complaint about the Head? You haven't even spoken to them yet?

Why are you making a complaint about the Head? You haven't even spoken to them yet?

I've spoken to them via email.

This. While I agree with you about their delayed response, your aggression here is not okay.

Also, please stop using the misogynistic term 'Karen'!

At age 11 the child assaulting your daughter is old enough to have a visit / serious warning from the police. I would report it to the police on their non urgent number 101: say that your daughter is regularly being hit in the head by an 11 yr old, that the assaults are hate crime because they are a result of your autistic child’s perceived disability, and that you want the police to speak to the 11 year old about this assault and hate crime.

If the police tell you to speak to the school say that you have done, that the school are completely helpless to stop this recurring over and over, that this is hate crime and assault by a child over the age of criminal responsibility, and it is a police matter on which you are requesting action. If they refuse (they won’t) ask for details of their complaints policy.

Good for you for standing up for your dd. I'm autistic & was horrifically bullied at school, 40 years later it still affects me. My ds is also autistic & was bullied the same as me, both primary & secondary schools were useless at dealing with the bullying, the primary school denied he was being bullied & blamed his autism saying it made him see things differently & what was normal teasing he saw as bullying. I really wish I had pulled him out of school instead of believing them.

'1) you don’t know the context of the incident. Only what your child has told.' This for me is key. To go from what you have told you, to presuming that a child hitting yours in the arm after a comment about make up is 'battery', is absolutely wild.

You are being dramatic and your posts are coming across unhinged you only know your daughters side

There is calmly dealing with a situation, if you genuinely thought there was a serious issue you would contact the police

Why does your dd sit next to this girl?
Is there perhaps an element that they’re friends/enemies who wind each other up?

You're really going to struggle when your child starts secondary school. You may as well get to know the governors now.

You seem very unhinged. There's actual crimes going on and you think an 11 year hitting someone for calling them names is going to get a 'very serious warning'? Have you any evidence this is a hate crime? It sounds more like retaliation.
They wouldn't even speak to the other parties until they've heard the school's side and the head's email may not give the OP the answer she wanted but it does seem the school have done their due diligence here.

No, she shouldn't have been hit but if the DD is that matter of fact and so indifferent to societal norms that she can blankly insult a peer with no understanding of the issue, why is it suddenly a problem to be direct with the teacher in front of the same child?

If there was a bruise that had hapenned from being hit at home you would be being reported to social services, but somehow it hapenning at school is ok.

Through the first 6 months of year 2 my daughter was repeatedly attacked by the child sitting next to her. When I complained I was told that this child had additional needs and couodnt help it so my daughter should just 'accept it'. After the final straw of her having her head smashed into a table I withdrew her until I got a call from the headteacher. Who was extremely helpful and asked me about the impact on my daughter and then ordered her teacher to move my daughter to sit next to someone she felt safe with. It took a good few months for my daughter to return to the happy child she had been.

Other posters are right in that school has no duty to tell you about the other child's punishment. But they do have a responsibility to protect your daughter from further harm by moving her away from the child who assaulted her. It's basic safeguarding, and I would be asking for a meeting with the head and to see their safeguarding policy.

Legally, it is battery.

'Battery' for what reads to be a hand swipe from the other girl after your daughter said negative things about her appearance?
Neither are good examples of behaviour however I'd thought she'd been completely assaulted. Absolutely get the bruise shown to teachers, but what outcome are you expecting? You seem to be agreeing with those seeking police input and a criminal record?

Unfortunately it's hard to win in these situations. Stay reasonable and you get fobbed off. Time to channel your inner Karen, I think!

I am trying to put all the pieces together.

They were sat together at lunch - presumably this is free choice and you dd wasn’t compelled to sit with the other girl?

You are the only person who used the word punch, your daughte said hit. She mimed a closed fit hit but that isn’t the same thing. You language is very melodramatic - assault and battery etc…when this is one hit on the arm. This is a fairly regular occurrence in schools, which does not need police intervention.

Your daughter acted wrongly, by making unkind personal comments, even if unintentional, the other child relatiated. No-one is saying 2 wrongs make it right but this isn’t one child picking on the other, it is tit for tat. One using verbal and one physical. Both are harmful and damaging.

You have jumped to complaining about the head far too quickly. You haven’t given them time to sort it out and arrange a meeting with you.

Think about what outcomes you want - mainly that after an incident you think you daughter needs to be interviewed separately as she struggles with communication. Youcan’t demand the schools punish the other student for a fairly minor lunchtime disagreement.

I am trying to express this kindly, please read it with that intention but you mention your daughter has autism and ADHD especially communication and reading social situations. Could this also describe you?

This is a very literal reading of battery without any nuance that the law in practise has.

Legally, it is battery

You aren’t really doing yourself any favours with this stance. Not to mention it’s a bit offensive to people who are subject to what we would all think of as battery in a traditional sense.

Using this logic, I’ve been battered many times by the elderly of all people, they can pack quite the punch, not to mention scratch you. They can seem very quiet and mild mannered, and then, bam. No one’s going to fill out a report for a bruise or scratch caused by an unexpectedly feisty elderly patient let alone race off to a police station🙄. I did have a colleague badly bitten by an elderly patient though. Supposedly demented but given they let go immediately once commanded by their super young wife we did wonder whether there was nothing mentally amiss but some really weird sub/dom thing going on. That was worth them filling out the associated paperwork, but for the odd whack resulting in a bruise or a scratch, nope.

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe

Ummm no. I work in law!

No, I don't think police intervention is necessary. If this was an older child I would consider it but not at 11!

You are getting increasingly overwrought.

It really is no big deal for friends to fall out like this. You are far too over invested in this.

Sit back and calm down for everyone's sake.

So where did the bruise come from?

It sounds to me like the Head is minimising this, I've seen it happen. I was picking GS up from school one day, I saw a boy GS had been having problems with run up behind GS and punch him in the back. Head was in the playground, I told him what I saw, GS had run back into school crying. When he came out the Head said, "Were you annoying him?" I was furious. A. GS was standing talking to friends when this boy ran up behind him and punched him. B Even if GS was annoying him he had no right to lay hands on him. The Head and I had a rather heated discussion which parents and children seemed fascinated by but no way am I going to stand there and let my GS be blamed for being physically assaulted. After some months of this boy's behaviour being ignored it was dealt with and GS had no further issues. The thing that was really clear was that if I hadn't witnessed what happened the Head would have written this off as six of one and half a dozen of the other which it clearly wasn't.

Would anyone on here punch a colleague who commented on their mascara? I don't think so and would anyone justify them doing it? Again I don't think so.

She is bruised, that isn't minor. Have a look at the definition of Actual Bodily Harm. An 11 year old should know better and she needs to realise that or she is going to end up in serious trouble. You can't go round punching people and leaving bruises.

This is in the course of work? Comparing someone who chooses a certain career with a child at school is ridiculous.

This is in the course of work? Comparing someone who chooses a certain career with a child at school is ridiculous

It’s certainly not ridiculous in the context I was using it in, which is OP insisting on the ‘legally its battery, and so serious it’s a police matter’ angle. Point I’m making is that not everything is battery/police worthy as OP claims it is. By claiming an arm punch resulting in a bruise is battery is not doing her any favours any more than me claiming an arm punch from an elderly person resulting in a bruise is battery. Theoretically both scenarios ARE battery, but it’s so theoretical that it has zero application to real life where neither of those scenarios are considered battery. It then means you are seen as overreactive and people don’t take you as seriously, which will do OP no favours when trying to resolve this situation.

These are my thoughts. Do you feel that your general worry about your daughter, due to her sen, makes it more difficult for you to take slightly more objective approach when it comes to her relationships with others?

From an outsider's perspective, your child made a nasty comment( albeit unintentionally) and the other showed her annoyance and upset by hitting her on the arm.

I see two children who both, for one reason or another are learning how to deal with social interaction. As you said you are working on helping your daughter with things that she finds particularly difficult, and the other child is learning how to not use certain physical actions to express themselves, especially around your daughter.

You seem to have not seen the connection, and see your daughter as a neutral element. Both girls are learning, and while I could appreciate the anxiety if the other child were particularly violent( see how the school specified she used her hand, rather than something like hit her with a metal water bottle) I feel that the way the school handled it was spot on.

It was a little tit for tat and they both had the chance to talk it through with a teacher.

Are you or have you an only child? I'm just asking because this sort of thing, where one sibling hits out because of something the other has said, and probably misinterpreted, or one physically does something innocuous and the other goes off on one thinking that it was an intentional slight.