AIBU with being angry with the school?

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Back story:

DD, 11, is in year 6 at school and has autism and adhd.

At the beginning of year 6, it transpired that a child in her class had been repeatedly slapping her around the back of the head. The other child was spoken to, told to apologise, and no further action was taken, which I was annoyed with.

On Friday the same child punched DD in the arm. I was on the school premises at the time, and they did not inform me. I only found out when I picked DD up, who was crying.

DD said that the school had told the other child that they must not do it again, but had not received a punishment nor an apology.

I rang the school immediately and asked to speak to the head, who had spoken to both children. Instead, the class teacher called me back and said "the child said she was joking so no further action is required".

I said that this was unacceptable, and I wanted to speak to the head.

It is now 18:02 on Tuesday, and nobody has contacted me despite me calling and emailing. I asked to speak to someone in person when school finished today, and was told nobody was available.

AIBU to think this is completely unacceptable and well within my rights to email the governor 30 minutes ago, or am I just being a Karen at this point? AIBU to expect that an 11 year old be punished for this?

I'm that furious I feel like punching the head to see how she likes it if it's so funny! (Obviously I wouldn't!)

@WhereIsBebèsChambre again, do you think it's normal to punch someone because they've said something you don't like?

Double check your schools policies on bullying and the complaints procedure. I’d imagine you have to log a formal complaint with the head teacher first.

There was a situation in my dd school like this. Now I never had any intention of actually calling the police but i did say I would. The other child had bullied countless kids even poking with a safety pin. When she shoved my dd I said being she's over 10 it is assault and I can involve the police. Suddenly the school couldn't do enough for the 7 girls who had been targets.

That's not the issue though. You implied there was no way you could possibly be perceived as "aggressive" because you're disabled. For context, I am also disabled. This does not mean I am incapable of coming across as aggressive.

Where has the 'punch' come from? The school report says The other child then laughed and hit X arm with her hand it's not quite sounding like a vicious punch? No am not condoning violence at all, but the schools description sounds different than what I expected of a violent attack.

How does your DD feel about the other child? Does she want to sit with her?

I'm not condoning the punch, that clearly needs to be dealt with but sometimes girls this age do have a love hate relationship.

The school shouldn't tell you what punishment the other child has had, so focus on your dd. How are they protecting her?

It's not appropriate for governors yet. You need to speak your the head. Explain you aren't happy with their response and you like a meeting. Then explain your concerns as you've outlined above.

What on earth is wrong with this response?! It's a great response and I think the school have dealt with it very well.

On Friday the same child punched DD in the arm. I was on the school premises at the time, and they did not inform me

Why would there be an expectation that a parent is called if a child is punched on the arm? I’m not saying it’s right, it’s not acceptable if it wasn’t a jokey punch on the arm that is pretty universal, but it seems an overreaction to think a parent would be called to see their child in that situation. I certainly would have been gobsmacked if a school had of called me for any of mine to say they had been punched on the arm (unless it was an injury that needed first aid and an x-ray). Stuff like an ice pack, I’d just expect the school to do and I’d get a note about the incident. Anything else seems quite dramatic.

DD told me she was punched, and the bruise would also suggest that. The problem is, she told the head she had been hit, and they didn't ask her how. Given she had social communication difficulties, I would expect them to unpick it a bit more, particularly without the other child present.

I wouldn't expect to have to go into the school, no. However I would expect them to notify me. This agreement is specifically in place because of her additional needs and the fact that they were previously not recording incidents.

^^ This! 👏🏻

You're overreacting and being melodramatic. This was not an assault. The school has responded proportionately.

You do need to give them some time to find out what happened. It happened Friday, it's only Tuesday. Have you any idea how ram packed SLT are on a daily basis and extra things take extra time. Email the teacher, ask for a meeting. No need to go straight to the headteacher.

It is the very definition of assault. It's not even common assault, it's battery. If it was an older child I would have contacted the police already, however I would not subject an 11 year old to that.

It was the head teacher that dealt with the incident, not the class teacher. If it had been the class teacher I would be emailing the class teacher.

This. What outcome are you expecting?

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

A robust action plan of how they intend to ensure the bullying is terminated and how they are going to safeguard DD from future violence on their premises.

Ironically before DD went to bed today she told me that the same child assaulted another child today by scratching her forearm, I know the mother of the child that was scratched so it will be interesting to see if there are any disparities in how it is handled.

The incident in reception the way you put it is shocking. But you will have no idea what went on behind the scenes - they’re not at liberty to talk about the other child’s safeguarding or the possibility of it being learnt behaviour and there’s every chance that it was pursued as a safeguarding incident, referrals made etc but that it was never shared with you.

I’m not saying the HT was in the right, I certainly would have expected a conversation about the underwear incident much sooner than three weeks, but only as it pertained to your own child. Your perception that incidents aren’t dealt with may in part at least be because you aren’t being told what action is being taken behind the scenes - other children’s punishments, safeguarding, why they’re suddenly back in the same class etc won’t be shared with you.

@Pogointospring it's exactly as I told it. In the classroom during free play the other child used to put a blanket over them both and touch and scratch her in her underwear. I found out because she developed recurring UTIs and probed her. Then she told me what had been happening but she was scared of getting the boy in trouble. Clearly he shouldn't have been in trouble at just 4 years old.

I do appreciate your comments re not knowing outcomes. However in this instance the school deemed it "explorative play" using the traffic light system, which I disagreed with. I found out near the end of the school year so agreed with the school they would be separated until they both finished the school. I do get what you mean about confidentiality though!

Governor here. We are volunteers and if you want all the governors to discuss this it can take at least a couple of weeks to arrange a meeting as they have their own lives. Then to formulate a response

Tbh I think the principals response and how she has handle the situation is a perfectly fine.

I would try and be more calm and tell the school that you would like dc moved away from this other child.

You slag off a girls make up, she was going to get a reaction - I would be assessing if your dc needs more 1:1 adult supervision to help navigate social and communication situations

@Hankunamatata she's just been granted an EHCP, which I'm really pleased about! She generally isn't rude, it's more an issue of other children being rude to her and she misses the social cues. However I'm not claiming she's completely innocent in all situations by any means!

There are some depressing comments on here about how an autistic child might misinterpret jokey behaviour as bullying, or brought the punch on themself by their own 'difficult behaviour'. Particularly so when the OPs DD has a bruise as proof of what actually happened.

My autistic child has been bullied and due to her social difficulties has struggled to explain what was happening - resulting in it not being taken seriously. I think it is quite common.

I think it's very poor that your child wasn't given the chance to tell her side of the story without the other girl present. It's no wonder she just agreed with what the head and other girl said. The fact she has a bruise shows that your daughter was right and it was a real and hard punch. I can't believe she still has to sit next to this girl!

@ispendmytimecompletingforms I don't think anyone else picked up that she has to communicate with her own teacher through a communication book because she quite often goes mute. When we got home I was trying to understand what happened, so I asked her to show me and she made a fist and a punching action but told me she was "hit".

1. you don’t know the context of the incident. Only what your child has told.

2. you don’t know whether the other child has SEN impact going behaviour. M

3. schools shouldn’t punish on parents instruction or just to punish.

4. any implantation of the behaviour policy is confidential.

It is so tough when they struggle so much to communicate and advocate for themselves. We've had similar when it's very hard to work out the details of what has gone on. My DD knew what was going on was wrong but struggled to articulate it/give details that the school wanted to have to believe her/take action.

At the very least the two girls should be sat separately and told to stay away from each other while they work out the details. I hope you get a better response from the head when she sees a photo of the bruise.