AIBU with being angry with the school?

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Back story:

DD, 11, is in year 6 at school and has autism and adhd.

At the beginning of year 6, it transpired that a child in her class had been repeatedly slapping her around the back of the head. The other child was spoken to, told to apologise, and no further action was taken, which I was annoyed with.

On Friday the same child punched DD in the arm. I was on the school premises at the time, and they did not inform me. I only found out when I picked DD up, who was crying.

DD said that the school had told the other child that they must not do it again, but had not received a punishment nor an apology.

I rang the school immediately and asked to speak to the head, who had spoken to both children. Instead, the class teacher called me back and said "the child said she was joking so no further action is required".

I said that this was unacceptable, and I wanted to speak to the head.

It is now 18:02 on Tuesday, and nobody has contacted me despite me calling and emailing. I asked to speak to someone in person when school finished today, and was told nobody was available.

AIBU to think this is completely unacceptable and well within my rights to email the governor 30 minutes ago, or am I just being a Karen at this point? AIBU to expect that an 11 year old be punished for this?

I'm that furious I feel like punching the head to see how she likes it if it's so funny! (Obviously I wouldn't!)

You are not.

You are defending your child

The best thing to do is ask for an appointment with the headteacher asap. Outline your concerns and make it clear what you expect as an outcome of the meeting eg your child not sitting with the other one for starters.

You only complain to the chair of governors if you aren't satisfied with the headteacher's response.

I would quote the school policy in an email and say either they deal with this properly or you will have no option but to report it to the police yourself.

Call it a formal complaint.

I have no idea what your child is like. They have adhd and autism....that could mean they potentially have difficult behaviours at school?? It can make relationships difficult. It can make them impulsive and lash out? I say this because potentially they are not entirely faultless here?
But also because the other child could easily have the same diagnosis but perhaps even more severe.

No behavioural problems at school. She does have social communication difficulties. She was punched because she told the other child she had a lot of mascara on. I do not think it was in a joking way. The child is just claiming that she was joking.

The other child has no additional needs.

My thoughts exactly!

You do sound very aggressive though

I'm disabled and use a wheelchair. Definitely not aggressive! I can be assertive though.

@Thefutureisourownpath she does have a bruise so it was quite hard I would say!

Never, ever minimise another child assaulting your child. Your child deserves you to think better of them. I minimised the bullying. I let the school deal with it (ineffectively) and it has taken years - YEARS - to get my child’s mental health back on track. I just really wish I had gone in hard at the start. Let the assaulter know that MY child would not be assaulted and they’d have to find some other punchbag. You are not being dramatic. You are not being an irritatant, you are protecting your child from years of assault by nipping it in the bud early.

I would take a photo of it to show the HT in case it's faded by the time you have the meeting.

Can disabled people not be aggressive?!

YABU for using the term Karen 🙄 Follow the school complaints policy, it won’t involve going to the governors at this stage.

So the incident happened on Friday and at 18:02 on Tuesday you're already complaining to governors about lack of action? I don't agree with them saying it was a joke so no further action, however I'm not really sure what else they would do for a child being punched in the arm... They will have spoken to the child involved but they will not be telling you the ins and outs of that conversation for confidentiality...

Crikey - have you shown photos of the bruise to the teachers concerned? I am amazed that they are not taking this very seriously indeed.

My daughter was pushed whilst waiting in a queue this week, she was unhurt but was upset. Her teacher was brilliant about it and took it very seriously. The boy in question is neurodiverse and struggles a lot, 9/10 times he is supervised and this wouldn't happen. But no excuses were made and I was happy that it hopefully won't happen again.

See, I mean, it very much depends on the context. I could imagine a scenario where the other child had gone home crying because your child made unwarranted, unwelcome comments about their appearance- which your child has done.

There's a difference between a playful, jokey punch, and 'a punch'- and it is exactly that nuance that an ASD girl would have problems with decoding. Similarly, the slapping in the back of the head (which may well be negative behaviour- but may not fit the definition of bullying).

It might be worth going in, yes, but be prepared for this to be a misinterpretation of the intentions and situation.

I agree with the earlier poster who suggested asking the school how they're going to guarantee your daughter's safety- as a better approach. If something has been done to punish the other child you also won't be told about it.

Please ignore the usual nutter who suggested going to the police.

Please don’t use the misogynistic term Karen, minimises your argument

Her daughter has a bruise though - that's a bit beyond a "jokey" punch

You'd really label a reception child a bully?

Can disabled people not be aggressive?!

What do you think I'd be able to do exactly? How am I a physical threat? I've already explained, I don't shout, I don't swear, I'm very polite to staff at the school. Being abused is not part of their job distraction.

Being aggressive is more than being a physical threat.

@Applesan you're right. I hadn't seen that but when I posted.

OP- on the basis there's a bruise I'd be taking a picture of it and sending it in. That should make things more clear.

I hope things are better for you and your daughter tomorrow. It's a particularly fraught time for Year 6 at the moment.

YANBU to expect a harsher punishment and be taken seriously. But YABVVVU to expect someone to reply to you instantly. Very arrogant and entitled. The head might be in meetings, teachers might have had meetings and then dash off to pick their own kids up. If you want the time and attention that this deserves to be dedicated to the case, you need to give them time to read over and evaluate it properly. Anything done in haste won't be done properly and just a waste of everyone's precious time.

As a classroom teacher, I'd urge you to complain to the headteacher and ask them to clarify how they plan to ensure your child isn't injured again.

Teachers are on their knees, begging for support at the moment and nothing will change until parents kick up a stink.

Your head teacher sounds rubbish. Put pressure on them to deal with incident property.

By the way totally unnecessary use of term Karen. I know plenty of nice ones who are sick of their name being used in this way.

I work with this age group and the word ‘punch’ gets used when actually what happened is that someone accidentally had contact. Honestly, it happens all the time. Try to be calm . Are there any marks that would indicate an actual punch?

I would feel its reasonable to give the head until the end of the week/Monday. If I was you I would send an email tomorrow stating I expect the other child to be spoken to and told clearly to have no physical contact your DD of any sort - jokey or not it is not welcome or necessary and in their interests not to touch DD at all if they don’t want further complaints or allegations of bullying. I would also push to have them separated in class and both of them told to keep away from each other in the playground to minimise the chance of any further incidents.

Obviously you can’t be told about any punishment, and I would not give a toss about an apology - compelled apologies are never sincere.

In a similar situation my daughter was expected to shake hands, participate in a mutual apology (!) and become friends! I very firmly told the head no, my child had been instructed by me not to interact in any way unless necessary inside the classroom - that way the bullying could not be called “joking” and ignored by the school.