AIBU with being angry with the school?

[RMNofTikTok]

Back story:

DD, 11, is in year 6 at school and has autism and adhd.

At the beginning of year 6, it transpired that a child in her class had been repeatedly slapping her around the back of the head. The other child was spoken to, told to apologise, and no further action was taken, which I was annoyed with.

On Friday the same child punched DD in the arm. I was on the school premises at the time, and they did not inform me. I only found out when I picked DD up, who was crying.

DD said that the school had told the other child that they must not do it again, but had not received a punishment nor an apology.

I rang the school immediately and asked to speak to the head, who had spoken to both children. Instead, the class teacher called me back and said "the child said she was joking so no further action is required".

I said that this was unacceptable, and I wanted to speak to the head.

It is now 18:02 on Tuesday, and nobody has contacted me despite me calling and emailing. I asked to speak to someone in person when school finished today, and was told nobody was available.

AIBU to think this is completely unacceptable and well within my rights to email the governor 30 minutes ago, or am I just being a Karen at this point? AIBU to expect that an 11 year old be punished for this?

I'm that furious I feel like punching the head to see how she likes it if it's so funny! (Obviously I wouldn't!)

It’s reasonable to pursue this and want your child to be protected from bullying. But you’re going 0 to 60 wayyyy too fast. This is nowhere near a governor issue yet. Nor is any consequence for the other child your business - you don’t have a right to know details of punishment, if any, that child received. Your concern needs to be solely your own child and how school is keeping them safe.

You start by informally approaching the HT if you’re unhappy with how the class teacher has handled the situation. You give them a reasonable amount of time to respond (which is not instantly), and if you’re still unhappy you make a formal complaint to the HT in writing. You then give them the specified time in the complaints policy to respond - at my school that’s a minimum of two weeks and potentially four if it’s not straightforward. Only once you have received a formal response from the HT, if you are still unhappy, is it appropriate to make a complaint to the governing body, which you should do in accordance with the complaints policy - which probably specifies to email the Clerk or similar, not individual governors.

I’m a school governor, I have occasionally had parents try and get me involved the instant they’re unhappy and all I can do is point them to the process. It is in place for a reason and getting governors involved too early potentially prejudices things further along. Plus it’s simply not a governor role, it’s very much for the HT to address at this point.

It’s reasonable to pursue this and want your child to be protected from bullying. But you’re going 0 to 60 wayyyy too fast.

I appreciate it may seem that way, however I have my reasons based on the schools previous conduct. Unless immense pressure is applied, my daughter will still be at risk. What the school, and the head, has a tendency to do is try and push things down the road in the hope you will forget about it.

I'll give you a specific example. In reception, my daughter was touched in her underwear by another reception child in the classroom on multiple occasions.

It took 3 WEEKS for the head to return my calls. They did not consider the fact that this may have been learned behaviour, and did not view it as a safeguarding risk.

There was allegedly a bar on them being in the same class, until they decided there wasn't, and put the 2 children in the same class the year they went swimming. I found out about this in the July, I did not get to speak to the head until the November, at which point it was too late to move my daughter classrooms as she would be unsettled.

There have been many other incidents which have never been dealt with properly, and I am a little sick and tired of it.

You start by informally approaching the HT if you’re unhappy with how the class teacher has handled the situation.

It was the head that dealt with the incident.

Yes she has a bruise on her arm.

YANBU to be annoyed with the school, their response has been less than satisfactory.
YABU to use the name Karen when you meant the word cow or similar. Note- I don't think you were being a cow in any way. Just have a bit of consideration when throwing around a name to make your point.

So many people have said this, and I will certainly take this on board!

That's ridiculous. They should have separated the children at the very least.

IMO, call it what you like. Your child does not deserve to get hit in the head & punched and made to feel unsafe while at school. When your child is in their care, they should be doing what they can to ensure she's in a safe environment.
They've breached that and you, understably want to know what they're going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

You're allowed to fight for your daughter OP, she deserves an education without fear of abuse ffs! Poor kid!

@RMNofTikTok thank you. That means more than you may realise I hope you get somewhere with the school issue, I really don't think you're being unreasonable about that part at all. Also hope your child is ok too. She will remember you sticking up for her with this.

Being aggressive is more than being a physical threat.

Regardless, I'm not aggressive or violent. Highlighting irrationality does not equal aggression.

I never even considered it may be misogynistic until everyone highlighted it, I really didn't mean to cause offence. Now I know, I won't use it in future!

She was punched because she told the other child she had a lot of mascara on. I do not think it was in a joking way.
So she was saying unwanted nasty things in a non joking way? Why was she commenting on the other girls appearance?
Absolutely in no way does this absolve any violence, but as pp have said, this other girl may have issues with regards to controlling her emotions when she feels people are being derogatory about her?

Have you followed the policy and does the policy specify how many working days for a response?

I work with this year group too. Sometimes the behaviour is copied from TikTok and brought in (the tapping of the back of the head). If it's a tap and amongst friends who are messing around then it's a verbal reminder as not appropriate in class. Anything else then it takes time to investigate and hear from both parties as well as witnesses. Sanctions should follow behaviour policy.

Did HT explain her judgement at all? Other than asking about mascara, was there anything said / happened prior to it? Did HT know your DD was crying at pickup or that she has a.bruise?

In HT defence, they can be involved in lots of child protection or other cases as well as other management decisions, interviews and meetings. I understand you're angry but do give them some reasonable time to respond to your email.

In the meantime, I'd speak to class teacher to ask DD and other child not to be seated together.

So she was saying unwanted nasty things in a non joking way? Why was she commenting on the other girls appearance?

Because she's autistic and has social communication difficulties. This is something that we are currently working very hard on, when it is better to not comment. However this was not intended nastiness, she was being literal and stated what she saw.

Just because your DD has autism, doesn't stop the other child from feeling upset and hurt by her words. Has this happened before with your dd making unkind comments to other children? I'm not saying she deserved to get hit at all, but I am wondering if the comments from the teacher are low-key with you because the other parent has also put in a complaint about your DD.

It was still nastiness though?

Have you followed the policy and does the policy specify how many working days for a response?

Yes I have followed the policy. It states if you wish to make a complaint about the head, then you should complain to the governors. I complained to the school on Friday afternoon. They told me the head would ring me. The class teacher rang me instead. I suggested that as the incident had happened at lunch and had been dealt with by the head, it would be more appropriate for me to speak to the head. The class teacher agreed and said the head would ring me.

The head then emailed me with this nonsense...

I wanted to email following Miss X call to you after school today about X being hit in the arm by another child in the lunch hall. I apologise that I wasn't able to call you directly before the end of the school day. I spoke to X during assembly time at the end of the day and then had to go to a gate duty which is why I asked Miss X to call you with an update about it as soon as she was able to once she had released her children.

i spoke with X and the other child together. They both confirmed that they had been sitting together in the hall at lunchtime and talking together. As X recalled the events, she said that X made a comment to the other child that she looked like she had a lot of mascara on. The other child then laughed and hit X arm with her hand. [name redacted] said that it did hurt a bit at the time and that she asked the other child why she had done that. At that point, it was time for the children to leave the hall and they went back to class. X wrote about this in her communication book during the afternoon and Miss X asked me to support with the conversation between the girls.

During the conversation, both X and the other child agreed that during their conversation in the lunch hall, there was no argument, there was no anger and that it had not been done in an aggressive way. X explained that she didn't understand why the other child had done this when they were just having a normal conversation and touch didn't need to be involved. At no point in our conversation did X mention the word punch.

We talked together to set clear expectations and boundaries that the other child could understand. We confirmed that when X and the other child are having fun and joking conversations, the other child is not to use touch as a way of joking. We confirmed that X only wanted joking and fun to be through conversation and not touch. The other child agreed that she understood this.

We finished the discussion and I walked the girls down to the hall. They were chatting and talking politely and calmly about their weekend plans and they both said they were in ok with the outcome of our conversation.

Please do get in touch if you'd like to discuss this further.

I was not happy with this response, so I responded Friday evening outlining that DD has a bruise, was very upset, and at no point was spoken to without the other girl present so could not express that she was really upset. I highlighted that this was an act of physical violence and the school had failed to ascertain what type of violence was used. I also pointed out the ongoing pattern of behaviour.

I then received another email back this morning, repeating what had been said on Friday, and the head claimed she was not on site today so could not call me. I later found out this was untrue. The head also chose to ignore this matter until today, rather than responding yesterday, despite me calling early afternoon both yesterday and today.

Why were you not happy with this response? Do you think the head is making up the conversation she had with both girls?

For several reasons:

1. my daughter was not spoken to independent of the girl that is bullying her.
2. She has a bruise on her arm from being punched.
3. The same girl smacked her around the back of the head last year and still no action has been taken
4. They are breaching their own behaviour policy
5. They are still seated next to each other in the classroom

It was still nastiness though?

Are you trying to justify violence? Besides, I would be ok with DD being sent to reflect for being nasty.

So has Daisy confirmed this? It wasn't a nasty malicious punch but a jab on the arm in response to a not very nice personal comment made? I thought from your initial post that the other girl had come up and properly out of nowhere thumped your dd.

Just because your DD has autism, doesn't stop the other child from feeling upset and hurt by her words. Has this happened before with your dd making unkind comments to other children? I'm not saying she deserved to get hit at all, but I am wondering if the comments from the teacher are low-key with you because the other parent has also put in a complaint about your DD.

Not that I'm aware of, and as I've said to PP if Dd behaves in an inappropriate manner I would expect her to be sent to reflect, which is kind of like a time out. The only time she has been sent to reflect was for being untruthful to a teacher 3 years ago.

You lost me at "Karen". Do you realise you sound like a complete idiot using that term? Use your words.

No. But you seem surprised that a teen girl has reacted as she has to another teen girl being nasty.
You're saying this is just how she is, but that doesn't mean anything to the girl if she's been upset by the comments.

It wasn't a "jab" on the arm. She has a large bruise. Why are you trying to normalise violence? It's certainly not normal for me!