Christmas plans

[AngryBird6122]

Yes, i know, we are in March!

Just wanted to see what people thought of this.

Dad lives abroad, comes home for Xmas rarely, maybe once every 5 years. I have two young DC who would love to spend it with him. Last year he was umming and aahing about coming home, Dh said we'd love to have you (have never hosted before) so let us know. He decided not to come.

DSis (fave child- seriously!!) told me last week that she was having him for Christmas day this year plus my nan and grandad, and we were welcome to join them in the evening for games (like an evening wedding guest?!) as she knows we like to have dinner on our own (not particularly, it's just everyone normally does their own thing)

Now he hasn't even told me yet that he is here for Xmas, and they have already made plans.

I am pissed off and v upset.

Wanted to see what others thought.

I assume he's not going to be in the country for only one day though OP, so why can't you do a second Christmas day with him another time? We never view Christmas as only one day in our house because no one in my family would want to host more than about 8 people for dinner, so we spread out the fun and see different people different times. Much nicer and less of an anticlimax boxing day!

I can understand your disappointment, and clearly it's hit a nerve about favourite children, but it seems like this year your sister invited first, and I can quite understand why she wouldn't want that many people all day.

It must be hard to live so far from him though.

Are you & your sister not close?

Idk-he declined your offer last year & has accepted your sisters for this.

Having you as well would be 4(?) extra so I can see how she might not want to do that especially (I'm guessing) that you will see him over the Christmas period.

How come you've never hosted before?

Do you ask people & they decline?

Talk to your sister and ask if you + family can come over for the whole of Christmas day.

This is the way it is reading to me, sorry if I'm picking it up wrong. Your dad last year hummed and hawed over coming to the country for Christmas or not. That he doesn't particularly like being here in winter. No firm plans were made and in the end nothing was set or booked.

This year (very early) your sister has got in contact with him to make firm plans to 'lock him in' for Christmas day, so he will book and will come.

It doesn't sound like either of them did it to intentionally piss you off/ upset you.

As usual quite a few of the usual suspects who just enjoy kicking the OP.
YADNBU to feel hurt OP, but I'm not sure how much of the blame lies with your sister. She doesn't know that you asked last year. It does however fall squarely on your father's shoulders.
Knowing that you wanted to host him, he should have given you a chance too!

Of course 'technically' your sister asking first has done nothing wrong, but it's only March! And, if he knew he was coming why did he not tell you, and make plans to see you even if it wasn't Christmas dinner?

I’d arrange to see him on Christmas Eve and get him so plastered he can barely walk.

Hang over central at DSis house the next day.

But I’m a petty vindictive twat so….

My sister has always been the golden child.

In the end I realised that my DM's behaviour in that respect wasn't going to change so I needed to take responsibility for my own responses to the situation instead.

I have disconnected emotionally somewhat from the relationship with my DM and reset my expectations. I no longer try to get her to see how unreasonable her behaviour is or give her opportunities to do the right thing because I recognise that this will never happen. The result is that I no longer keep being hurt.

My mother's world still revolves around my sister but I don't have to engage with that. I politely move conversations on and get on with my own life.

I just wish it hadn't taken me until I was in my 50s before I realised I could do it.

I don't want to seem to be kicking you OP, but do you ever host Christmas at all? From your posts it sounds like you don't, if you've never offered to have your sister round why are you upset that she hasn't invited you round (regardless of whether your dad is there or not), if it's not the norm for either of you it seems odd to be upset about it just because your dad is there. She's even made a point of saying that you normally suit yourselves.

It sounds a bit of an awkward situation, where you seem to be waiting for him to announce he is coming before inviting him to yours, but really would he even come over without solid plans/invite? The way it reads to me is that you'd host, but out of obligation because he's mentioned it rather than because you actually want to, if you want people to visit you , you need to invite them! He mentioned he may come over and you said you'd love to have him, but why not actually invite him rather than wait to see what he's doing? It sounds like a communication issue.

It's too late this year, but I can only assume that your sister has outright asked him to come and the fact that she is also offering to host your grandparents is making it more likely that he'd want to say yes, I think it sounds great going round for games in the evening where you can all be together.

Even the fact that you're going to play this weird game of chicken where you won't mention it because he hasn't mentioned it.. just tell him you've been invited round in the evening and you're really looking forward to all being together!!

With kindness, stop being weird about it!!

Use your words.

Ask your sister if you can chip in and all have Xmas day together.

Don’t be a drama lahma.

This is how I read it too.

why not just speak to your sister and say ‘we’d love to join you for Christmas lunch if you’ll have us’? I don’t think this needs to be a big deal.

I think the “four extra” thing is a bit off when the four are a sister/ daughter and her DH plus grandchildren. Christmas should be about family: who else are they prioritising?

OP just keep it straightforward. Tell your sister you feel a bit left out just coming in the evening, esp as your Dad isn’t always here. Ask what you can contribute and if you can come earlier. She may have thought you wanted to go to DH’s family as well? If your Christmas Day is anything like ours it’s a hassle getting dcs out for lunchtime. But if you would like to, just say so, not in an angry way or it will escalate.

I'm just going to throw another opinion out there.

Does your Dad actually know about these plans? Is there any chance that your sister has made all of these plans without consulting anyone? And because she is the favourite didn't consider you and your family.

If he does know then I wouldn't be annoyed with him but would assume that he thinks you are invited for Christmas Day as well.

I personally would choose to do something else. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day with people who didn't invite me. I would plan for a lovely day with your partner and children or your partners family.

Just see him Boxing Day instead? Your sister probably doesn’t want to cook for everyone that’s why she’s invited you to the evening. People get far too precious over Xmas plans

I’m not sure young DC ‘love’ to spend time with grandparents they hardly know. Some parents project their feelings. Others say things like ‘my mum loves having the kids for the day.’ Mmmm - maybe…

Let it go. People will do what they want and they clearly don’t want you involved. ‘Having it out with them’ will accomplish nothing. Just make your own plans.

With 9 months to go it's entirely posdible that Dad doesn't know, which is why he may not have mentioned it.

Whdn you speak to him next bring it up as in Dsis has said ... Video call woulv be best as you will aee his reaction.

Dsis may be ambushing Christmas.
Fight back.

It doesn't read like your sister did anything wrong. But yes it's shitty of your dad. Maybe he forgot your invite?

If I were you … let their conscience be their guide. Say nothing for now …Take the higher ground.
smile sweetly for now .. sometimes what you don’t say can speak volumes and this will more likely unnerve them … you’d be surprised saying nothing can freak people out
Keep your cool … I know you are extremely hurt.. and you have a right to be. This has worked for me.
Do your utmost to take the higher ground. If you have a “go “.. people have a habit of using that against us … so keep cool .. bide your time. Good luck ..
So disrespectful but bide your time … it will make them feel more awkward ..
Also I will say … life is far too short … do your best to think to that also … words exchanged that hurt can never be taken back .. personal experience sadly and looking at people suddenly gone … take care

My dad lived abroad for 9 years. If he was visiting, he assumed we all knew and would agree plans (3 siblings living in 3 separate parts of the country hours away from each other) between ourselves.

Your annoyance and upset could be misplaced.

Talk to sis, ask if you and Fam can be included in Xmas dinner. Tell her you'll host dad boxing day and 27th so your DC also get to spend quality time vith grandfather

Or be annoyed and petulant.

So reality one, your Dad is irresponsible. You don't have a close knit family.
Reality two. You're peed off because you invited him last year and he declined and sister invited him this year and he accepted.
Reality three. You're now the outrider, not only has your invitation been peed on, your sister is now relegatng you to outfield evening only.
Going to say it - you have a sibling rivalry with your sister.
Your dad sounds like he's been out the picture, pretty much always.
Where is mum?
You're going to have to work out what you want to achieve?
Dad is never going to meet your expectations or wishes. He's never going to stand up and say "I love you the most".
You don't know why he loves your sister more - it might be something fundamental like she looks like his mum, or something trivial like one day he put in extra effort and got a better response from sister.
But you are never going to get the approval you want from dad.
So why not focus on your child?
Does your child get the approval needed from dad?
Plan your own Christmas.
If Dad is over from abroad, he'll be staying a couple of days.
Plan your own Christmas, and decide when a good time to see dad suits you.

Quite. I'd be telling them both that as they love each other's company so much they can fuck right off and adore each other. They might get the message then.

I'm spiteful and would just go book a break away over Christmas and not see any of them... 😂

I think your DSis probably asked him which is why you don’t know and it isn’t some big family discussion. I think YABU for being annoyed about, as you didn’t ask him.

I think what you should do is just say to DSis “we’d really like to come over and join you for Christmas Dinner, as it’s been ages since we spent the day with Dad. Hope that’s ok? Happy to bring something bits, cook a ham or bring some deserts. Let me know nearer to the time what you’d like me to bring”

Like you said you never host so there is probably the assumption that you want to spend it with your own little family.

That’s not spiteful. They’d probably be relieved.

I don’t see why you need to suck it up and be accepting. If you don’t want to go into it with them then l would be boundaried with no “2nd Christmas” nonsense and l wouldn’t bother going round to your sister Christmas Day night. You are getting the leftovers but by the sounds of it are meant to be happy about this. The whole thing sounds unfair to me

Oh dear, I can understand why you are upset OP, especially after your dad dithered about deciding whether to come to you last Christmas, and this year has been able to make his decision 9 months early!

Does your sister genuinely think you prefer to have your dinner alone, or has this been 'told to you' in a way that absolves your sister from inviting you, your DH and children for Christmas lunch?

I might be wrong, but I get the sense that there is a complicated underlying dynamic in your family that we're missing here....