Christmas plans

[AngryBird6122]

Yes, i know, we are in March!

Just wanted to see what people thought of this.

Dad lives abroad, comes home for Xmas rarely, maybe once every 5 years. I have two young DC who would love to spend it with him. Last year he was umming and aahing about coming home, Dh said we'd love to have you (have never hosted before) so let us know. He decided not to come.

DSis (fave child- seriously!!) told me last week that she was having him for Christmas day this year plus my nan and grandad, and we were welcome to join them in the evening for games (like an evening wedding guest?!) as she knows we like to have dinner on our own (not particularly, it's just everyone normally does their own thing)

Now he hasn't even told me yet that he is here for Xmas, and they have already made plans.

I am pissed off and v upset.

Wanted to see what others thought.

You have my sympathies OP, it is bloody hurtful. One thing I have learned about family members is that you can't change their behaviour or how they feel. Even if you have it out with sister and dad, what would be the outcome? 'Oh! I'm really sorry'? I doubt it. It would all end up somehow that you were being 'over sensitive'. I can only suggest that you create a life for your own family where it's fine if dad or sister want to organise something, but in general terms you have your own plans from here on in.

You have every right to feel how you do.

However, as someone who has been upset by this kind of stuff in the past, this is about more than Christmas.

This is about the relationships you have with your family (dad, maybe even sister) and your connections. It's also probably about you feeling like you have the wrong perception Vs reality. There may have been stuff in the past with your family, or others, that has triggered you like this or others. You feel forgotten, less worthy and upset which has triggered your defense mechanisms and led to a negative reaction of "fuck him!"

In my opinion, there's two ways of playing this maturely:

1. Speak to him - try and think about what you want to say first. What is it you're hurt by exactly? How can you resolve it? Be clear with him. (This conversation needn't be immediate, it can be in a few days/weeks when you're calmer.)

1. Forget it and move on, don't think about it and whatever happens with Christmas nearer to the time, happens. He may tell you then or, he may flake on your sister.

Also, I'd add that going forward, if you know what he's like and it's very consistent behaviour from him then there's nothing wrong with keeping expectations very low. Having higher expectations of people - despite the fact we know they don't have the ability to meet them - sets us up for hurt and disappointment.

Oh, I do feel for you OP. My family has different circumstances, but similar sounding dynamics. No doubt there are many incidents going back decades that have made you feel this way. I completely get your reaction of not wanting to talk to your dad about it and wanting him to be the one to bring it up and make the effort. However, I do think what will help the most (and will probably make you feel better too) is just to tell your dad that you're hurt and be honest about it. Tell him how you're disappointed that after you asked him to come for Xmas last year and he didn't come that he then has decided to go to your sister's and hasn't even arranged it for your family to be included.

I don't know if your dad is anything like mine, but mine is just not a good communicator at all, he just doesn't think and he doesn't know how to say sorry. However, after things have come to a head and I've "flipped out" at him, he tends to "hide" for a bit then I notice he does do little things to try to make it up with me.

More practically - why don't you suggest he comes to yours for Xmas eve so you have that evening and Xmas morning with present opening with your dad before he goes over to your sister's? Stuff your sister - she should know better and no doubt has willingly made up the nonsense about you liking Xmas on your own so that she gets your dad to herself.

I keep thinking about this thread for some reason. It seems like there's so much info missing!

Is your nan your dad's mum or his MIL, @AngryBird6122?

I can't understand her attitude of egging you on to "have it out with him" if she's his mum. You'd think she'd be delighted to spend Christmas with 4 generations of her family under one roof and would be brokering harmony, not shit stirring.

If she's his MIL, maybe it's a different matter. I notice you haven't mentioned your own mum at all.

Yeah. Shoot straight.

Panties in a wad!😂 I’ve heard twist. Wad sounds disgusting!

I don’t really understand what the the problem is.
Last Christmas your father made the decision not to come to this country for Christmas, presumably he had other plans. Next Christmas he is going to spend Christmas with your sister, and you have been invited for some of the day.
Why did your DH invite him last year, rather than you, yourself. Have I misunderstood something maybe?

I think I would say to them all that you would really love to spend the whole day with them all this year as it is such a rare occurrence.

they’re not going to refuse are they?

So she invited him and he's accepted, that doesn't seem odd, you invited him for last Christmas but did you ask her if it was OK?

She's got what 7 for Christmas dinner, maybe she feels having you, if you have a partner and 2 kids is just too much. I wouldn't even have a table big enough for that. Why don't you have a nice Christmas dinner at home and then have a fun evening with everyone, seems fine to me.

@DepartureLounge it's his mum. she was saying have it out with him as in ask him outright, not like start a fight! (i think!)

mum died when i was a child.

@Iwasafool if he had told us he was coming last year then we would have hosted everyone all together, but it was all so up in the air

Honestly I could not get worked up over this PLUS it’s March! Maybe focus on the her and now

@SomethingUniqueThisTime if you don't see the problem then you don't see it. But I think if he is here then my family should be a priority too.

Well I'm not you so there you go. I am aware, it has just come up though. Should I have waited until 1 December to post this thread?

@ChooChoosey and @Koalasparkles thank you for some great advice

Maybe grow up and calm down - Xmas with you sounds very stressy

You sound seriously angry OP

Where did you get that from?!

Does it? What does my Christmas day look like then?

lol... seriously angry and I've just been told to calm down

I did wonder. I'm very sorry.

Ah thank you

So? Are you the thread police? The OP has a dilema and has asked for advice..

And that is my advice - relax

I know! I've read all your posts and you've posted nothing aggressive, you just want some help FFS...