Christmas plans

[AngryBird6122]

Yes, i know, we are in March!

Just wanted to see what people thought of this.

Dad lives abroad, comes home for Xmas rarely, maybe once every 5 years. I have two young DC who would love to spend it with him. Last year he was umming and aahing about coming home, Dh said we'd love to have you (have never hosted before) so let us know. He decided not to come.

DSis (fave child- seriously!!) told me last week that she was having him for Christmas day this year plus my nan and grandad, and we were welcome to join them in the evening for games (like an evening wedding guest?!) as she knows we like to have dinner on our own (not particularly, it's just everyone normally does their own thing)

Now he hasn't even told me yet that he is here for Xmas, and they have already made plans.

I am pissed off and v upset.

Wanted to see what others thought.

@Coconutter24 ah ok. Do you actively want to be with them but can’t or don’t really mind? I know it’s just a day.

I would love to but it just doesn’t happen. I’ve got used to it now so I just tell myself there’s others times. Although I understand how you feel with it being Christmas

I honestly can’t say I’d check with my brother about inviting my mother round for the day/dinner or checking that he knew she would be round. That’s between them.

Technically she has told you, and she believes you enjoy Christmas dinner at home so hadn’t invited you for that but to come join after. She’s not stopping you having dinner with your Dad though, either asking actually you can join or have any other dinner with him while he is visiting.

Maybe your dad doesn’t like your way/style of Christmas but you take that up with him not her.

I haven’t done Christmas with my parents since 2009, hell I’ve only had one dinner with them since then I think. It’s just food.

You sound seriously angry OP. He may think you know, he may assume your sister told you, he may think he is trying to be fair, he may just prefer the way your sister does Christmas as maybe she is a tad more laid back than you. He may prefer not being your young DC 24x7 for his visit. There are many reasons so unless you think he deliberately treats you differently then chill. If he does treat you differently on purpose then it's time to have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel.

I sound seriously angry? Well I'm pissed off and hurt, I don't know about seriously angry 😂

Yes he does treat us differently but cbb to go into it

YANBU, unless perhaps you get on well with your sister but didn’t invite your sister and family for xmas day as well as your dad.

If you’d enjoy spending xmas day at your sister’s I’d be asking her for a full day invitation for your family! If you wouldn’t enjoy that would do as you prefer, and tell your dad you’re hurt by his behaviour.

I think that is very hurtful if true. I would ask him directly and would not rely on your sister's version of events/plans.

I can't believe I am replying to christmas threads already! Only 39 Fridays to go according to dd 😩

@Lambsarehere I know, sorry 😂

If your father has ‘form’ for favouring your sibling, and / or upsetting you, would think twice about encouraging your DC to spend a lot of time with him lest they get similar treatment from him.

So your sister's taking it upon herself to tell him you'd rather not be there for Christmas lunch, and your nan's telling you to "have it out with him"...

Why are you letting everyone else in the family dictate the terms of your relationship with your father? Do you think this might be part of the problem?

I think it's very hurtful . Your dad for knowing you'd asked him about his plans and he didn't say he was going to your sister , and your sister for arranging plans that you're not invited to the main event just a token ' games evening ' , a bit like an unpopular great aunt you feel obligated to .

I also think it strange that given your dad lives abroad how you aren't doing a big family day for everyone.

I definitely feel hurt and sidelined

Would you maybe say to your sister that you would love to join them for the meal to have a family Christmas ? Offer her money and or to bring food/ help cook etc ? My Dad is passed so I know how precious time is with our parents . It being Christmas I would hope she would remember it is supposed to be the season of giving and goodwill etc. Best of luck OP.

I’m going to assume that you’re upset because he always prioritises your sister and assuming you’ve left examples of this out then yanbu.

my ex in-laws had a favourite child and whenever we invited them over for Xmas they’d never reply until they’d discussed it with the favoured one, so I would invite them for xmas and wait for the golden child’s decision before I knew if the in-laws were coming. I used to feel for exh as he knew they preferred his sibling.

Agree you sound like a drama llama

You’re making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face. Have a grown up conversation about it now, so it can be over and done with by Christmas. You can't force your sister to have four more people for lunch. Your Dad can't split himself in two. Evening meet ups are more fun once you are out of the primary school years. You could have a fun extended Christmas, if you view your Dad as an independent adult and your sister as having the right to invite him, without consulting you. I get that there's a back story, but you can't change that.

I’d just let the rest of them do what they want to do. You do your own thring. Just avoid them if possible unless they really want to talk directly to you

My mum lives locally and always favours my sis. I have tried to gain my mothers affection over the years and I have tried my hardest to forge a close loving mother/daughter relationship with her but it wasn’t forthcoming on her part.

If I say invite my mum out for mothers day, her birthday or Christmas and try and plan something nice with or without my sister. Then my mum will either politely decline my invitation or tell me she’ll let me know nearer the time or see how she feels on the day (then I find out my sister took her to X but it was just a last minute thing and she didn’t know anything about it - its her cack handed way of excusing herself and excluding me but it is still hurtful.

In your situation OP in most houses if their is 7 of them already spending Christmas together plus another 4 of you would that make it too crowded in your sisters house to seat everyone comfortably for the day or too stressful for her to cater for or is she just enjoying hogging the limelight and snubbing you into the bargain. If you think its the latter sod them have a lovely family Christmas and try and let them crack on (as for whatever reason your sister sounds like she is hell bent in excluding you with or without your dads knowledge).

We never spend christmas with my mum which is how she seems to like it.

YANBU. I would do as @Whatsnormalhere suggested and send them a message saying you want to spend it together.

If they don’t want to then no, do not visit them in the evening for games, amd don’t send any gifts.

Sorry, that’s awful of your mum. How are things now, have you stopped trying to gain your mum’s favour?

You say you’re annoyed about the lack of communication but you’re refusing to communicate? Seems it could be a theme within your family.

It seems you would like to all be together, so just explain that and explain you were a bit put out not being in the initial conversation.

I think it would be silly not to mention it and leave it to fester. You’d feel resentful all Xmas day too.

@toomanyy - not great but I am more ok with accepting the situation. I don’t put myself out so much anymore, I try to protect myself and my feelings by not wasting too much time thinking too hard about the nice things I could do for my mum and how best to get her and maybe my sister on board with something i.e. if just my mum, my sister and me - rather than inviting my husband and kids and her family along as well, going somewhere nearer, cheaper, less upmarket, with more plain food, going midweek, early on, doing something at our house etc etc etc). Now I know as I have tried over the years that nothing is good enough or will go down well as its me that is offering.

I always end up feeling like my mum is doing me a favour by pretending to consider my offer or offers. So I rarely make them and not for important events and I don’t get caught up in competitive point scoring in terms of visiting and trying to do as much for her or more for her than my sister anymore etc etc. I just now visit once a week at a time that is convenient to me and thats it.

Sorry OP. I would have burst into tears. Definitely tell your Dad how hurt you are.

I don't think your sister's done anything wrong. She invited him over, he said yes and she invited your family for the evening. That actually sounds really nice. Your sister probably doesn't want to cook for an extra 4+ people, she'll have her hands full from nan, grandad and dad at dinner.

I mean. Parents shouldn’t do this kind of favouritism. But you don’t know what was said.

Maybe she told him she would have everyone over. He shouldve verified but you gotta give the benefit of the doubt.

and as for dinner tell her you’d be delighted to spend the whole day together and really don’t mind missing your dinner this year, you can host next year (if you want!, if not then ask what you can bring)

and don’t get your panties in a wad if she alls you too bring the (Turkey, ham, whatever expensive main dish) it’s really expensive and time consuming to host, so just make that the tastiest Turkey ever. I suggest a slow cook in the oven with a reverse sear and a meat thermometer.