Christmas plans

[AngryBird6122]

Yes, i know, we are in March!

Just wanted to see what people thought of this.

Dad lives abroad, comes home for Xmas rarely, maybe once every 5 years. I have two young DC who would love to spend it with him. Last year he was umming and aahing about coming home, Dh said we'd love to have you (have never hosted before) so let us know. He decided not to come.

DSis (fave child- seriously!!) told me last week that she was having him for Christmas day this year plus my nan and grandad, and we were welcome to join them in the evening for games (like an evening wedding guest?!) as she knows we like to have dinner on our own (not particularly, it's just everyone normally does their own thing)

Now he hasn't even told me yet that he is here for Xmas, and they have already made plans.

I am pissed off and v upset.

Wanted to see what others thought.

I did thanks
And most of this could have been avoided if OP asked her Dad if he was coming for Xmas or invited everyone last year.

No, I didn't even know he was thinking about coming back.

Yes she did, as obviously he has told her he will be in the uk!

She usually spend with in laws. she only ever spends it with our side of the family if dad is here.

No, nothing to do with it. It's a long flight and he prefers the weather there at that time. Plus he's not a massive christmas person.

Yes, like I said he was thinking about coming but in the end decided not to.

I would have invited everyone last year if my dad had been here. My sister spends with in laws usually unless here is here.

Why would I ask him if he is coming? The standard is that he doesn't, so unless he tells us he is, we assume he isn't...........

Can’t you just speak to your sister and say you’d love to host so you can all spend Christmas together? Or do something Boxing Day with your dad Boxing Day?

Yes, I could potentially do both those things. But I am not going to bend over backwards for two family members who have made their plans without me! I mean, I can't really do anything at the moment as he hasn't even told me he is coming!

I'd want to do some fact checking before going off the deep end. Like, firstly, does he know he's spending Christmas with your sister and has it actually been agreed? Or has she just invited him and is running with the version of events in which he turns up, even though he's been as non-committal with her as he was with you last year?

Secondly, does he know you haven't been invited to spend the day there? Or is he assuming you have been, and by the time he finds out you won't be there after all, your sister will have refined her best "they like to spend the day doing their own thing" speech.

There is a lack of communication going on here and an undertone of simmering resentment, both of which I feel your sister is taking full advantage of.

@DepartureLounge

Yes, he does know as I asked my nan about it and she said it was arranged.

That I don't know (if he knows whether we will be there or not) but that's partly why I am annoyed. Lack of communication! He may think we have been invited but as far as I know, he knows it's just the 7 of them.

So you don't really know what he knows and what he doesn't know, but for whatever reason you don't want to get in touch and ask him? Feels like there's quite a backstory to that.

I'm not judging because my own family is/was a bit like this, but I know from bitter experience that when you allow one family member to be the only one who's talking to all parties, you can't really be surprised when you later find out that they controlled the narrative to their own satisfaction.

If you want to understand what's driving (what you suppose to be) his decision, I think you need to just get on the phone and ask. Only then will you really know if yabu or yanbu to be upset.

@DepartureLounge I get where you’re coming from. But still, he could have reached out and communicated he was here over Xmas, regardless of what he does and doesn’t know about the day itself

No she hasn’t really it’s only like if you were to ask him first and if he accepted would you be thinking you’d taken your Dsis chance to spend Xmas with her dad or would you care?

@Coconutter24 No, because I would have made sure we all discussed it rather than solely making plans with him. It would never have happened the other way round.

Can you give him a call and tell him you've heard he's home, how about Christmas eve teatime drinks and food at yours?
Then off to your sister's on the day for couple hours, all good?

It just seems odd that it needs to be a big family discussion that’s all. My mum went to my SILs last year, they just did that no big family discussion it just happened and no one was upset they’d made plans

Send a message or call to say you’d like to spent it all together as your Dad is here and suggest going out for lunch if she doesn’t want the pressure of cooking for you all. Just be co lately upfront, she can hardly say no sorry

But he takes them away every summer so is this evening it out by him staying at theirs for Christmas?

Do you only ever get the opportunity to spend it with your mum once every 5 years or so though?

evening what out? he spends time with my sister in the summer as well and he took my nephew away for a week in the summer when he was younger. What is there to even out?

Hello no! He can let me know he's coming home if he wants to...

@Whatsnormalhere I think I may do that

But maybe he thinks you know! Maybe he assumes your sister invited you at the same time and has no idea she didn't. Is it really reasonable to have expected that he would call you specially, just to announce plans that in any normal family you would already be aware of? Perhaps he thinks he'll mention it to you next time you speak, seeing as you say you speak to each other a lot. Or perhaps he's put it out of his head for now, what with it being 9 months away fgs (and I still think he may back out between now and then, given what happened last year).

I feel like you're deliberately choosing to be upset here, and I can see that your sister appears to have sidelined you, which is thoughtless at best but fixable if you want to fix it. But I don't understand why you're so angry with your father.

That said, it's pretty obvious there's a load of history to this that you haven't explained. You're entitled to keep that private ofc but it's hard for people to give an opinion without the whole picture. On the face of it yabu to be upset he hasn't talked to you about Christmas, when you think you talking to him about it would be "bending over backwards".

But the assumption is that he’s not here! It’s on him to let us know if he’s going to be around at Christmas.

anyway you’re right that there is a load but no point going into it all 😓

My nan also thinks this is shit and that I should have it out with him (her words) but im not going to. DH also pissed off. It’s not just me. Starting to feel like I’m seeing something in nothing reading comments on here!

The last Christmas I spent with my mum was 2009 so yeh less often than 5 years

Why is that then? If you don't mind me asking of course

Of course I don’t, it’s down to distance, having a big family and some years mum just wants to spend it at home with my dad just the two of them