Hubby won’t talk to me

[Gramaphone]

We had a row - usual stuff - I don’t feel appreciated, he goes to the pub too much etc etc
he is notoriously bad at communicating. We have been together 15 years. I realised early on he had difficulty in this area so on the few occasions we fell out I would write down my concerns in an email. He could then slowly read it (dyslexic)and respond and then we usually found a middle ground and alls ok again.
but he has got much worse.
i want to talk but he literally cannot do it.
after yesterday s row I wrote my thoughts in an email and sent it. I clearly said in the email we need to actually voice our concerns. I was in bed as I am actually quite poorly with a chest infection atm.
this morning I got up, he took dog out then went off to do something workwise. He returned after lunch. I sat and said we need to talk. Nothing. He was just scrolling on phone. After 30 minutes of silence I got up and turned the WiFi off. It was 1.45. He put the phone down and I waited…… 2.15…. He walked out. Not a word. I can hear him in garage. It’s now 3.30.
I really don’t know what to do??
aibu expecting him to talk or do I just lock him out?? 😂

Emailing to communicate with your husband isn't ideal, neither is turning the wifi off, stonewalling or locking someone out of the house. None of these things are going to get you where you want to be.

Accept that you both have issues with communicating effectively with each other and get professional help.

I totally understand your frustration. My STBEH is very good at writing emails to say what he wants to say but can not use his actual voice at times when it really needs to be done. If he had I probably wouldn't be divorcing him, though it's not because he won't speak full stop but because he did actually say something unacceptable.

Thanks for the replies…..

hmmm…. Bit of a bumper crop of LTB!

He really does find it difficult to talk. So writing things down has helped in the past. Not my thing, I prefer to talk but he struggles.

yes I turned off the WiFi which was maybe a bit harsh!

the pub - he goes a couple of times a week generally but we had family over last week so he was out every night, hence the row.

"Sending an email to a dyslexic person is a constructive way to resolve an issue." Said nobody, ever.

OP, you are both as bad as each other. If you want to remain in this relationship, I wish you luck but if I were in your shoes, I would get out and find someone compatible.

Same here with knobs on.😒
No way would I tolerate that attitude in a relationship. My last marriage ended largely because of this controlling behaviour from exH.😡

Why did you turn off the wifi, @Gramaphone ?

It's seems bad you both can't move on from petty arguments. But if you are unhappy then he must know that. But what can he say, in reality if he doesn't know how to change or he is not willing to. The emails sound a bit demanding.
Though I can see why you resorted to that.
Can you talk to him about other more mundane stuff? Could he be depressed?
If he's always been this way it'll be a challenge to change him. So I guess think about if you want to be there long term.

Turning off the wifi is something I do to my teen certainly not to an adult.

You turned the WiFi off, and you’re asking whether you should lock him out of the house? Have you heard yourself? 🤯

What good is turning the Wi-Fi off? it's a phone! It will have mobile data!

Emailing your own husband about an issue probably winds him up even more. More so if written in the heat of the moment.

Why are you sending him long emails when he is dyslexic and struggles to read?

I’m thinking the shit sandwich feedback model:

Darling, I really liked how you sat next to me at breakfast. To make that even better, you could talk to me instead of reading your phone next time. But overall, great work! High five!

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else? "If a partner sent me a progress report setting out their concerns and my areas for improvement I’d end the “relationship” so bloody quick their head would spin. ". I don't see anywhere that she has sent him areas for improvement?

Turning off the WiFi is a bum move, but if a guy refuses to communicate, then an email is a non confrontational way of letting someone know your feelings. Mumsnet is a strange place at present.

My OH is similar, I can't voice my feelings as it's " starting an argument" and he walks away, so he ends up getting his own way and I feel silenced.

I feel like OPs only way of being able to speak to him is through emailing him. She's said they're having relationship problems and he refused to acknowledge or speak to her about it. I don't even buy his "communication issues" I don't think I believe in them anymore except in exceptional circumstances. I genuinely think it's a man's way to escape accountability and force women to deal with their bullshit without being able to call them out on it, as they'll just shutdown on you and stonewall you.

I’m going against the grain here but I think if he’s stonewalling her maybe emailing him is the only way she can get her point across?

No it’s not ideal but the guy won’t have an adult conversation. Short of fucking him off what is she supposed to do? I have occasionally emailed people (friends rather than partners) after an argument when I felt I wasn’t being heard. Writing something in black and white has more impact than arguing about it verbally. Turning off the WiFi was childish though.

It all sounds highly dysfunctional tbh and I can’t help thinking you would be happier out of it OP.

No it’s not ideal but the guy won’t have an adult conversation. Short of fucking him off what is she supposed to do?

I think if you're at a point in your relationship where the only way you can communicate with them is via e-mail, then you may as well fuck them off, to be honest.

Well that seems to be the direction this is heading in. They sound very incompatible and he sounds like a complete child.

Silence = control.

Being forced to write emails to get him to talk to you about issues you have = control.

He sounds controlling, even turning off the wifi didn't work (epic move by the way). When you are forced to take such drastic measures to get attention I think it's time to move on.

😧@Flyinghighhighinthesky

I find the silent treatment and ignoring really abusive to be honest.

You're never going to find a way around this, he's just going to get worse.

Agree.

I find the silent treatment and ignoring really abusive to be honest.

I agree, but I also think that some rehashing the same arguments over and over again can also be abusive.

I'm not saying the OP does that, but I do think that ignoring someone can be a valid response sometimes - it can be better than getting into a toxic argument.

I could have written something similar myself OP so you have my sympathy. My husband just never wants to talk about anything that might upset the status quo because his life is good and mine is crap and mine is made worse by his attitude.

It’s only just dawning on me after 20 years together that it’s never going to change. That makes me sad and scared at the same time. Some people might think that makes me weak but with chronic illnesses, it’s hard to be as strong as I used to be.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe.

Woman says that her husband will not communicate verbally with her, so she has got into the habit of sending an email which he digests in his own time and presumably they then apologise to one another then go back to normal.

Some snidey people interpret this as sending a progress report and being a bully for wanting her husband to engage and trying to get him to in the only way her has been known to do so.

Was turning off the wifi childish? Maybe. Was sitting there ignoring his wife who'd just said she wanted to talk childish? Maybe. Don't most adults have phones that will switch automatically to 4G anyway?!

If he doesn't want to talk or "rehash old arguments" then he needs to put his big boy pants on and tell her that. Don't think @Gramaphone is psychic, and quite frankly, I don't see how her sending an email is controlling but him giving her the silent treatment isn't? Except he is trying to silence her so nothing has to change, and she is trying to make him talk to improve their relationship.

15 years is a long time with a person who won't talk to you. Is it worth soldiering on?

I don't understand why you're together because you are incompatible as life partners. You both have opposing social communication styles and don't seem to share the same values. You need to separate becauuse it is a toxic set up that you have there.