Hubby won’t talk to me

[Gramaphone]

We had a row - usual stuff - I don’t feel appreciated, he goes to the pub too much etc etc
he is notoriously bad at communicating. We have been together 15 years. I realised early on he had difficulty in this area so on the few occasions we fell out I would write down my concerns in an email. He could then slowly read it (dyslexic)and respond and then we usually found a middle ground and alls ok again.
but he has got much worse.
i want to talk but he literally cannot do it.
after yesterday s row I wrote my thoughts in an email and sent it. I clearly said in the email we need to actually voice our concerns. I was in bed as I am actually quite poorly with a chest infection atm.
this morning I got up, he took dog out then went off to do something workwise. He returned after lunch. I sat and said we need to talk. Nothing. He was just scrolling on phone. After 30 minutes of silence I got up and turned the WiFi off. It was 1.45. He put the phone down and I waited…… 2.15…. He walked out. Not a word. I can hear him in garage. It’s now 3.30.
I really don’t know what to do??
aibu expecting him to talk or do I just lock him out?? 😂

My guess is it goes more like:

Op: I'm unhappy because of XYZ....
DH: (interrupts) well I disagree that should make you unhappy
OP: <tries to explain>....
DH: (interrupts) I disagree
OP: <tries to explain in a different way>
DH: (doesnt let op finish) well I don't know why that bothers you
OP: I've tried to explain....
DH: (interrupts) well we're going round in circles, I'm going out.

Discussion successfully avoided for a few months.

Rinse/repeat

OP suggests trying to write down her feelings, DH agrees. Works for a bit til he realises shit, she might have a point, he'll now just ignore it all and go into the garage and fuck about with screwdrivers.

A sticker for their star chart? Well they'd probably lke that ! @FineWordsButterNoParsnips Maybe not, but it works to be direct and positive. . You have to meet them on their level. They don't appreciate if we are condescending.

So how would OP approach this?

"Can you stop going to the pub and appreciate me more?"

@Whataretalkingabout I can't relate to what you're writing whatsoever. 'they'? Having to word things a particular way so your shitty husband doesn't get pissed off? Mortifying.

No wonder he goes down the pub

@Megifer Well I think she could be more proactive in general and not wait until she is mad at him. Take it by the reins and propose doing something together, in the kitchen? Make cocktails together ? Use your imagination.

Okay. @FineWordsButterNoParsnips Don't even try to understand.

So instead of trying to discuss his going to the pub being an issue and not appreciating her, to prevent her from getting upset in the future, your wise suggestion is to get him in the kitchen and make some margaritas?

@Megifer yep! I bet it would work too!

So basically forget about it like a good wife, and have cocktails?

Is that before or after op ensures she has a nice meal on the table for him? 🙄

How is that direct in any way?

Positive reinforcement worked really well for training my dog, I wouldn't have sex with a man who needed the same kind of coaxing.

I expect another adult to communicate like a grown up. I think if it's so bad OP feels she needs to email her husband (remember she said that did work well for a while) and he's not prepared to even speak to her then she's flogging a dead horse.

You may not be able to force another adult to speak but the silent treatment certainly makes sure one party doesn't have their concerns heard.

While I think the OP has erred here turning the WiFi off, this attitude is incredibly immature. Adults discuss things and work towards a better understanding of each other. Children sulk and make believe that nothing ever happened. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who felt they could behave however they wanted with no regard to my feelings and then refuse to even discuss it because it was "a new day". Incredibly selfish and invalidating.

This is the kind of nonsense people end up doing when the people who can't handle an adult discussion make it impossible to do anything else. Your partner has done something that upsets or offends you, but flat out refuses to discuss it - won't acknowledge your feelings, defend their actions or explain themselves in any way. When you ask them why they say they "don't like arguing" (it's not an argument it's a discussion), or that the other person "just wants them to agree with them" (if you can't construct a coherent explanation of why you think they're wrong, probably you ought to entertain the notion they might be right?) or that the other person "doesn't let them finish/manipulates them with words". You end up with the option to just put up and shut up, or do something bonkers like emailing your own partner so they can "process" what you've said in their own time and possibly at some point deign to respond one way or another.

In a sensible world, two adults ought to be able to bottom out most disagreements within a half hour discussion. But some people lack the skills to do this or the impetus to try. The OP's partner sounds like one of those. Bloody infuriating.

You again.

Fuck that and having to remind an adult to do things - good grief you ask him to pick up his socks? “They like to help us when we are not negative” and you had the bloody cheek to put HTH at the end of that post.

Raise your bar, you live with another adult. HTH

wtf. You need to grow up.

Most people are glossing over the goes to the pub too much bit. How much is too much OP? Is he drinking too much? Spending money you can't afford? Coming back in a mess or unpleasant? If any of these are the case, I fully see why you want to talk and why he'd want to avoid talking.

Both of you are a mess , submitted my comment too early

He's not a toddler or a dog who needs positive reinforcement

Oh come on! It is 100% childish to stonewall and refuse to talk- probably about him not lifiting a finger around the place.

@Whataretalkingabout I didn't say I didn't understand. I said I cannot relate in any way to your writings, having to pander to a man, ask in a specific way for basic things he should be doing anyway, assume that all men are as shit as yours and choose to give 'advice' on that basis? I'm embarrassed for you.
HTH

^^

Yes turning off the WiFi is not ideal but him ignoring you completely is rude and hostile in its own right. He is training you to not ask questions or have standards with him

I'd probably go to the pub too if my partner communicated by email and turning the WiFi off!

Is his drinking a problem?
How often is often?
If he's an alcoholic you are wasting your time?
If he's not, then you both need to find a better way if communication that this or call it a day.

It sounds beyond immature on both sides.

This relationship is dead in the water. You can’t talk with each other or apparently even email! He spends too long in the pub, you treat him like an errant toddler….
What exactly IS working in this relationship OP?

Or, @Whataretalkingabout , we could just choose men who are actually capable adults.