Self centred people…

[StarbucksQueen1]

I went to a party at the weekend of a friend I have known for about 20 years. She’s recently single and so are a few of her friends, I have been with DH for 16 years and have a child. She’s always been a little bit self absorbed but my god, I didn’t realise how much and how also all of her friends seem the same.. is that because they attract each other?! I actively made conversation with most people, asked questions about work/kids/partners etc but not once did ANYONE ask me anything. I guess I gave information away in those conversations as I’d say ‘Oh my child is 6 for example’ but I was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

Do a lot of people just want to be listened to and want to talk without asking questions or is it about me?! When I got home I just thought wow, that was fun… being talked at but seemingly feeling like no one was interested in me!

I have other groups of friends and they’re not like this at all. It made me think I won’t bother making an effort to go to such parties! The taxi alone cost me £40!!

YABU

Questions should be considered in relation to the previous talking point. You sound as though you went through a quick fire round of speed dating questions. I detest someone I don’t know asking so many questions, yes you get to know people but that knowing is built over time. I don’t want to share the in’s and out’s of my life with a stranger. If I wanted to share something about me then I would offer that, see what the answer given is and if it appears the person I’m talking to wishes to go that conversation path then there is a talking point. If someone wants to talk at me fine as it is not always a case of being self-centred, you just haven’t found a common subject to talk about yet.

I have to ask a lot of probing questions for my job. If I started questioning people with the ins and outs of their personal life I would feel like I have ulterior motive.

I could not reply directly to your comment where you said in response to someone ‘Sorry if work, kids, partners etc are how you get to know someone! The reason I told them about my child was I was shocked she had children as she looked so young yet had an 18 year old and I said wow mine is 6’ … This comment screams ‘wow you must have been a teen/very young Mum’. It is not a compliment in the context of how you related it to yourself. FYI, no, it is not something I feel sensitive to myself.

Are they all teachers?
I've had exactly the same happen with a bunch of teachers.

This is normal but doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

I assume you're quite young? When you get to menopause you get covered in some magic 'don't give a fuck dust' and you no longer tolerate being the one who asks the questions and keeps the conversation going. You move until you find someone you connect with and can have an interesting conversation. You also become very comfortable with silence. It's fab 🙂

So you ask what they like to do/where they like to go which gives them the opportunity to say that they don't go out and they can then offer the information of the reason why wether that's finances or kids or anxiety. It's a non personal question that offers them the chance to Share as much or as little information as they are comfortable with. Asking directly about what job they do assumes that they have a job and makes them feel judged if they don't have a job because the assumption insinuates that they are expected by the person asking the question to have a job. This then changes the power dynamics in the conversation because the person being asked may feel pitied or insignificant or judged.
If people ask me about my personal life, it would be a depressing evening and I would then be accused of being someone that puts a downer on what should be a fun night. If I am asked what I like to do, I can answer with art, music etc.

Yeah, no doubt the WC pub we'll be going to this afternoon to watch Liverpool play will be silent because of the lack of conversational skills. Do you go to pubs, or bus stops up north? Constant conversations, even though we aren't MC. We no longer drink alcohol, so pop into weatherspoons for refillable coffee, again there's no lack of conversation. Under what circumstances are you taking your findings from? I don't know if being 34+ helps.

I find it bananas that people are accusing OP of firing loads of questions or behaving like she was speed dating. I can only imagine that the idiots making those accusations are the exact same people who stand droning on about themselves in detailed monologues without making a single enquiry to the other person.

Funnily enough I was wondering this. I intended to ask OP if this group of people knew each other through work and if so what type of work.

Teachers are the world's worst conversationalists imo. They lose the art as they are accustomed to monologuing into a vacuum.

People who have to use powers of persuasion can be very pleasant to talk to; salespeople in particular (if they're good at their job) have tapped into the universal truth that people crave attention.

The art of two way conversation seems to be dead - we find this more and more with similar experiences to yours. People seem to just turn conversations to be about themselves.

If that was in response to my comment regarding firing questions similar to speed dating, I cannot understand how you have compared that to then being the person who drones on about themselves?! If someone feels that they are being are asked multiple questions about their personal life then they clearly are not giving detailed responses about themselves … if they were droning on about themselves then how can so many questions be asked in a short period of time?! You can respond to people using open questions about general topics rather than multiple closed questions about their personal life when first meeting them.

Surely they must've gone out socially or travelled somewhere at some point though? If they are at a party then not social recluses

As for the kids question , Maybe that's an age thing. I'm 52 so majority of my age group don't have young kids anymore and are past that kind of chat. Would ever dream of telling someone my " kids" are 32 29 and 20 in a social setting. Can't imagine why anyone would care

@StarbucksQueen1 I agree with you. I'm a good listener, pick up on conversational threads etc.

Was recently at lunch with a friend and his new-ish partner. We've met several times before but this was the first time in a small group. There was talk about a recent skiing holiday and I asked where new gf had gone... on and on and on went the answer, with nothing reciprocal like "have you been to Austria?" no I haven't because I hate skiiing It was like that the whole time. I feel like I got to know quite a lot about her but she knows nothing about me because I had no chance to speak.

Ditto a question I asked someone (in context) about their dog...

You sound lovely and normal OP. Conversation is a two way exchange of questions and answers. I think a lot of people are just lazy and self absorbed. I’ve also experienced the other side where someone asks lots of questions to size you up, which is also self absorbed.

Funnily enough yes 😆

Yes they are teachers???

You are totally misunderstanding! When I say the questions mentioned I didn’t mean I said them non stop in a bloody row! I mean these are the type of things asked throughout the night! Also if you don’t want to give any information away about yourself to someone then to me that’s a bit odd.. what kind of ulterior motive would one have at a party with mutual friends?! To me you sound paranoid in trying to steal your personal information!

and really? Ffs! I was complimenting her as she looks young now… not wow you must have been a teen mum! Why so negative?!

Two of them are!

I find the most self centred of people are women who only want to talk about their children. It’s incredibly boring. I have a large circle of friends and most are childfree (we are former military if that makes any difference). One friend has two adult children and it’s all she talks about, on and on. She can’t see us all glazing over.

The world is full of them. I hold social media responsible in the main,

Lots of posts mention asking more general questions or not asking about work/kids etc. Is anyone willing to share a list of possible openers etc.

Maybe this is what you mean by they aren’t your ‘tribe’? Because honestly, not everyone wants to talk about work and kids at a party.

You sound socially fine, OP! No idea why so many posters on MN enjoy jumping in and being unpleasant for the sake of it.

I went to an event recently where I didn't know anyone - my conversations mostly did start with jobs/kids/holidays etc but then went off in interesting directions as we identified things in common from that and went on to discuss them in more depth.

It wasn’t all I spoke about… I used that as an example!! I was merely saying no one asked me anything work, baby, tattoo, anal sex related at all…. I threw in the anal sex bit just to show I’m not a total bore btw.

I think if you hadn’t mentioned those fairly dull topics in the OP it may have given a different spin. TBH it sounds like lots of drunken nights I had in my 20s where no one listens to each other and are really just having conversations with themselves.

It’s nothing new and I’m sure they are normal/nice people. Not everyone is looking to make new friends so they probably just don’t care about people they don’t really know.

I agree. Go anywhere on Merseyside and you’ll be chatting away within two minutes to a complete stranger like they’re your best friend. Hospital waiting room, on a train, pub toilets, waiting at the bar. It’s one of the reasons I love it here.

My DH is from Merseyside and he said the same!