Self centred people…

[StarbucksQueen1]

I went to a party at the weekend of a friend I have known for about 20 years. She’s recently single and so are a few of her friends, I have been with DH for 16 years and have a child. She’s always been a little bit self absorbed but my god, I didn’t realise how much and how also all of her friends seem the same.. is that because they attract each other?! I actively made conversation with most people, asked questions about work/kids/partners etc but not once did ANYONE ask me anything. I guess I gave information away in those conversations as I’d say ‘Oh my child is 6 for example’ but I was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

Do a lot of people just want to be listened to and want to talk without asking questions or is it about me?! When I got home I just thought wow, that was fun… being talked at but seemingly feeling like no one was interested in me!

I have other groups of friends and they’re not like this at all. It made me think I won’t bother making an effort to go to such parties! The taxi alone cost me £40!!

I see it a lot too. I try to show interest and care, people don’t reciprocate.

Yeah, noticed this too

A lot of the time I'm just listening to people offload

I'm like a therapist but without the fee

I noticed I would find myself rushing through the odd squeezed in sentence, as it obviously wasn't welcome 😔

^

This, and the glazing over, looking in the distance of the person you're talking to

You know, when you get a word in edge ways

I guess it depends on the type of party and what conversations were happening. If work/partners/kids aren’t the priority of that sticker group then it’s probably just not top of their list for discussion.

I know lots of people who I don’t really know what they do, makes of their partners, kids etc. We have other things in common so that’s what we talk about. I definitely think good conversations can be had without either party talking about themselves.

However, it’s known that people overwhelmingly like to talk about themselves. And in fact, those that are asking about your life are often not particularly interested, they just want you to ask the same question. Or they are playing the social game (knowing that people like talking about themselves) and want others to like them.

So while you might think that your other friendship groups are super interested in your life. The consensus is that most of them actually aren’t, other than your very closest of friends.

Sounds like you had set ideas of what you wanted to talk about and didn't contribute when the conversation flowed in a different direction.

I disagree entirely with the posters who are saying that you should have gone with the flow/not asked ‘boring’ questions - total bullshit and reflects that they themselves are probably monologuing bores.

OP YANBU. Some people have no manners or interest in others and that is the most boring thing of all - someone droning on endlessly about themselves with no interest in anyone else. So selfish and tedious.

I also agree with this. It’s all about social skills. Everyone is self absorbed to a degree, but some have learned how to interact socially more than others

This post wins the award for irony.

Conversation is about flow. Sometimes it's there and sometimes its difficult to fire up. Hard to know who's to blame really.

@KeinLiebeslied54321 Why? I am agreeing with the OP, responding with an opinion, like everyone else here.

You are obviously feeling a little defensive I should imagine.

I’ve noticed this too OP and I think there’s two issues.

The skill of communication and carrying out a two-way conversation has been affected by people living more isolated and online lives. This has been exacerbated by covid.

Plus some people are just narcissistic and only like to talk about themselves. I work with a woman who talks incessantly about herself, standing really close to people and tapping them on the arm when their eyes wander in boredom.

Everyone jokes about ‘having to do your half hour with this woman’ each time they go into the office and she repeats the story of her week to every person she sees without asking anyone about their week. She’s not a nasty person and I honestly think she’s clueless about how selfish and self absorbed she is.

I don't think it's necessarily to do with class at all, some folk just enjoy conversation more, can go with the flow, can relax, are interested in a variety of topics. Calling others self centred because you didn't happen to like the conversation is in itself self centred, is it not? Of course there are some self absorbed folk out there, but we don't know that was the case here.

Why on earth would you 'imagine' I'm 'obviously' 'feeling a little defensive' exactly?
Your post criticises OPs companions yet ignores OPs potential shortcomings here.
Perhaps she could have down more to join in with them instead of directing the conversation to her idea of good topics?
Either way, it sounds like they're not the friend group for her.

It’s just my experience you don’t need to agree. I guess those who have climbed career ladders etc have developed skills to help them interact and socialise well.

I actually agree with you about the irony of the post. The OP has said others are self obsessed while being upset she didn’t have a platform to talk about herself.

It’s true that most people enjoy talking about themselves (OP included). I happen to think good conversations don’t need to include specific details of people’s lives. There are plenty of other interesting things to talk about.

@KeinLiebeslied54321 So your little quip about it being ironic was just a meaningless little jab then. Of course.

Honestly, when people drone on about themselves and never show any interest in the other person, it’s very tedious. It’s fine to talk about your own stuff, just show an interest in others every now and then.

As someone who did 'climb a career ladder' (regularly interacting with Professors, Post-Docs, PhD students and other highly educated people) and having a group of varinglly educated friends, I can honestly say that while many of the more 'educated' (possessing qualifications, career driven) had good networking skills, their actual conversational skills are/were no better than the working class folk I know/knew (those I grew up with, worked with, chat to at random locations).
I completely agree with your last paragraph.

I explained why it was ironic.
Maybe the others felt like OP was trying to drone on about herself/her kids/her job?

I think most socially aware people know that a conversation starter is just that- an opener, which should lead to a more interesting chat. It's rarely intended to be the sole focus of the entire interaction. And although I'm not keen on them myself, work/partner/kids are fairly standard openers.

If you don't like the opening question, you should be able to gracefully turn it to something else. And even if you're not that socially capable, you should at least have the good manners to ask a reciprocal question before making your excuses.

But that’s not what the OP was saying at all - that’s a complete reach. She was observing that they droned on about themselves and showed zero interest in anyone else. It’s about reciprocity. It’s really not that hard to visualise surely? You must have met people like that?

We know what OP is saying, the point is that we only have OPs perspective on this. There's always at least two versions of events.

She didn’t actually say they were droning on about themselves. Just that they didn’t ask her specific questions. Lots of people do ‘drone on’ about themselves, always have. It’s certainly nothing new or generational as others have suggested.

I don’t think we know what kind of party or group this is really. Maybe they just found the OP rather dull asking them about work while they are at a party? When Alcohol is involved, there is often a lot of droning on. Yes it’s boring, but it’s nothing new.

I think you’re right OP (and it all sounds eye wateringly boring) but people are often not interested in people who are not like them. I have known plenty of people who talk only about their children for example.

I think it’s made me realise this isn’t ’my Tribe!’ I guess they want to talk about different stuff or just themselves and to me that’s bloody boring! When you go home from a night out thinking wow I know so much about all these people, did they ask anything about me? No! I did of course offer information mid conversation like ‘oh we are going on holiday there this year’ or ‘oh I’d love another tattoo soon as well’ but it’s a bit strange feeling like you have to do all the work!!

I recently learned about builders and maintainers in terms of communication styles. If everyone else was chatting happily and you were the only one struggling then I reckon you're a maintainer in a room full of builders.

Dh and I are often shocked at how many people are so seemingly uninterested in conversation. Sometimes it's self absorption but actually, I think more often it is either poor social skills and /or a disinterest in meeting someone new.

A lot of people at a party like this just really don't want to chat to other people. They are not interested.