Self centred people…

[StarbucksQueen1]

I went to a party at the weekend of a friend I have known for about 20 years. She’s recently single and so are a few of her friends, I have been with DH for 16 years and have a child. She’s always been a little bit self absorbed but my god, I didn’t realise how much and how also all of her friends seem the same.. is that because they attract each other?! I actively made conversation with most people, asked questions about work/kids/partners etc but not once did ANYONE ask me anything. I guess I gave information away in those conversations as I’d say ‘Oh my child is 6 for example’ but I was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

Do a lot of people just want to be listened to and want to talk without asking questions or is it about me?! When I got home I just thought wow, that was fun… being talked at but seemingly feeling like no one was interested in me!

I have other groups of friends and they’re not like this at all. It made me think I won’t bother making an effort to go to such parties! The taxi alone cost me £40!!

Omg blaming Covid again. It was ONE year out of your life. And everyone still using this excuse and milking it.

I know exactly what you mean. Yesterday I went to London to meet a very old friend (we have been close friends for over 30 years but live in different countries) and she talked at me for seven hours flat. When I mentioned that I was very worried about losing my (highly specialised professional) job due to budget restraints and restructuring, she said, oh dear, and launched a monologue about her career plans. Back on the train, I was reeling from her total self-absorption and lack of interest in anything that goes on my life. She was basically waiting for me to stop talking so she could continue her monologues.
I am seriously considering the friendship while she sends hourly cheery updates on her lunch choices, medical appointments or random thoughts, completely oblivious to how utterly self-absorbed she comes across.

I think some of this is from the endless self-promotion that is social media - some people are only really interested in talking about and promoting themselves.

I went away recently with a group of old friends who I rarely see in person - I've definitely become less close with one of them as on socials/ WhatsApp groups she is very broadcast only and usually only talks about herself/ her family and rarely engages with other people. I was hoping in person she might be slighly more self aware, but she talked about herself pretty much constantly all weekend as well.

It's not just parties; there are people I actively avoid because their only topic of conversation is themselves. Tedious doesn't cover it.

I have ALWAYS found this OP.
I've come away from parties like that and thought, 'I now know chapter and verse of x,y,z's life yet they didn't ask a single thing about me'. I can't even say it's because I volunteered the information throughout - I usually can't get a word in edgeways! (Despite being a chatter-box).

People have definitely lost the art of conversation. When I meet someone these days who knows how to fully engage in backwards/forwards conversation, I'm shocked!

I think people just have different conversational styles?

For some people this is driven by them talking about their lives and interests and others prefer to invite others to talk by asking questions.

Superficially yes it’s selfish but I think some people are just wired like that and that’s what their idea of a conversation is.

I know what you mean: some people lack the gene that makes them interested in other people and find it hard not to talk about themselves. And that can be tedious.

But personally I would find conversational tennis with everyone taking turns to ask questions about their kids and jobs quite stilted and boring: I would rather talk to someone with strong opinions and talk over them if I had to than be forcedly polite and feign interest in dull facts about someone.

You have to read the room a bit: the most socially successful people are those who mirror what others are doing as opposed to being fixed in their ideas of how people “should” talk.

I think some people - whether or not they want to talk about themselves - just aren't that interested in other people or making smalltalk, and don't bother to try and disguise the fact.

But what do you do? Someone asks you if you had a good weekend, you tell them an anecdote about something funny/interesting/annoying that happened to you then what? Do you not ask them about their weekend?
If it’s someone new you don’t need to ask nosy questions just general chit chat.

was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

I'm not sure that waiting to be asked a specific question is necessarily the basis of good conversation

Clearly, in some circumstances where conversation is not flowing well, a few well timed questions can get it going again. I love a party and would be disappointed if the conversation was limited to asking people questions.

Was the conversation interesting to the majority and just not to you. That can happen or you may have got stuck with boring, self centred monologuers.

As it happens, I would never ask a stranger whether they had children because , well, not everyone does and some people have very sad things to deal with.

I know a few people like this. They know nothing about what’s going on in my life, and haven’t for a few years. But I know every detail about their life because they monologue at me. I ask questions, and am asked nothing in return. All are prolific Facebook users. I feel like they talk at me in almost in-person status updates and photo reels of their life. I think social media has changed people. I don’t use Facebook or insta or anything anymore. The people who I know who have never used social media haven’t changed at all, but everyone I know who do use it are very different - some enjoy leaving people out of things, more spiteful, seem to enjoy it if something goes wrong for others, can’t hide their annoyance if something goes right for people, and yes, the monologues about themselves. This is not the people they were before social media.

A lot of people don't know how to have an interesting back and forth conversation.

I tend to talk about more general things and let people volunteer personal information. I wouldn't ask a stranger about their work, children or partner as a conversation opener because they can be tricky subjects for some people e.g. if they don't have any for unhappy reasons. I'd be more likely to talk about a film or news story and be interested in their views on it.

I agree.

If I'm going to have a conversation with a stranger I'm not telling them what I do or don't do and where I live and how old my kid is and where he goes to school.

I'd much prefer to discuss a topic de jour, current affairs or even the weather depending on how it all felt.

Am glad you agree! I mean I don’t just talk about the three things mentioned that was just an example! When you don’t know someone surely they’re the basics of getting to know them?! I mean I wasn’t saying it in a prying way, just interested!

I wasn’t waiting to be asked a specific question before chipping in! I just found it odd how people seemed to lack the ability to show interest in people other than themselves!

I’ll bear that in mind! I wasn’t asking for specific door numbers etc! Just if someone mentioned a child I’d say ‘how old?’ Then talk about mine!

True. This fact, and some of the advice on this thread, seems to have passed by the OP.

Exactly. It's not just 'asking questions', it's showing that you're engaging with the other person and what they're saying.
IMO anyone who describes it as just 'asking questions' is perfectly highlighting OP's point.

Like, in your example, I've had situations where I'll start by asking about their weekend, they go into full detail about what they did. Don't ask anything back. So I ask if they have any holiday plans and, again, they'll tell me what they're doing and then... nothing. And so on, and so on.

What really amuses me is, later, I might chat to someone who knows how to have a conversation. Earlier person comes along and new person says: 'Jumping was just telling me how they...' Earlier person says: 'Oh, you never told me that!'

I think to myself: 'YOU NEVER ASKED!' 😂

Clearly I’m so boring then!

This entirely! I’m not just firing incessant questions! I ensure the conversation is flowing and I am interested in what they’re saying they just don’t ask anything back! The main person is my friend from when I was younger who has got increasingly worse at this… I was having an operation she knew about, quite a scary one and she text me at midnight about who she was sleeping with! Really weird!

@Jumpingthruhoops I have someone at work like this. At lunchtime I can be sitting reading my book and she will ask me a question like “how are your daughter’s wedding plans going?” Then before I can answer will say oh I’ve been invited to a wedding this year and go into intricate detail about this person (who I don’t know) and their plans. I’ve started just turning back to my book when she does this now.
If I’m talking to someone else she will butt in with a story about one of her friends who has done x y z or whatever you were talking about. So annoying! I’ve started just saying oh that’s nice and then carrying on talking to the other person.

I suspect she was bursting to tell SOMEONE her wedding story and thought: 'Daffy's daughter is getting married, I'll tell her!' So asked you about that just to find a 'way in'.

It can be poor social skills rather than self-absorption, and people have got much worse recently. I felt really self-conscious socialising after Covid and have made myself get out there but it can be exhausting. It's lovely when you get someone who is a good listener and a nice back and forth conversation. I've got pretty good at asking people about themselves now but it is still something where I have to tell myself "I'm talking about myself too much - ask them something" and actually consciously do. When I was younger I was definitely shy and easily embarrassed about asking people questions (or speaking at all sometimes) and could come across as uninterested, self-absorbed or rude but it was shyness and lacking social skills.

There is someone at my work who does that too! Stands at my door, asks me something but doesn’t let me reply before she talks about herself! I just let her chat on and nod!!!

There's lacking in conversational skills, then there's simply bad manners. What you've described is bad manners. Or, even if not intended, will come across to others as bad manners.