Self centred people…

[StarbucksQueen1]

I went to a party at the weekend of a friend I have known for about 20 years. She’s recently single and so are a few of her friends, I have been with DH for 16 years and have a child. She’s always been a little bit self absorbed but my god, I didn’t realise how much and how also all of her friends seem the same.. is that because they attract each other?! I actively made conversation with most people, asked questions about work/kids/partners etc but not once did ANYONE ask me anything. I guess I gave information away in those conversations as I’d say ‘Oh my child is 6 for example’ but I was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

Do a lot of people just want to be listened to and want to talk without asking questions or is it about me?! When I got home I just thought wow, that was fun… being talked at but seemingly feeling like no one was interested in me!

I have other groups of friends and they’re not like this at all. It made me think I won’t bother making an effort to go to such parties! The taxi alone cost me £40!!

You can't complain that people are talking about themselves when you have asked them questions about themselves and complain that they didn't ask about you when you have volunteered that information. Maybe they were about to say, " what about you? Do you have kids?" When you interjected that information freely.
Personally I hate when strangers ask personal questions because that is nosey. They then make a judgement of you on your answers rather than getting to know your personality. Or they then ask questions regarding things that are none of their business. For example, as soon as I mention that my son has ASD, the guaranteed next question is "oh so do you get PIP for him? For this reason I am also uncomfortable asking personal questions to strangers.
The best conversations that I have ever had with strangers are nothing to do with either person's personal life but rather topics that you can have a good debate about or find that your opinions align. Getting to know their personal details then come in time if they are someone that you are likely to run into more often.

Bloody social media, that’s what it is. I swear it’s driving us all insane. It’s turning everybody into a flippin narcissist. If you watch vlogs on YouTube, or go on Instagram, or whatever, people present themselves like they’re Hollywood stars. Their ‘life journey’ is now on public display. Couples record their entire relationship - even filming the moment one of them proposes. And their kids are just an extension of themselves/their egos.

Then again, there is a difference between being interested in others and being nosy. Plenty of people will ask you questions about yourself, but that’s only because they’re weighing you up to see if you’re a threat to their ego. Do you earn more than me? Do you have a bigger house? What is your job? Is it more impressive than mine? Can I use your failures to make me feel even better about myself? Or are you going to make me feel worse?

Being interested in someone is totally different. When someone is interested in you they will ask about your favourite books, favourite music, favourite films, favourite art works, best places you’ve visited, things that make you happy or sad, etc. One of the reasons we’re all so lonely is that it’s hard to find friends and lovers who are actually interested in us. Social media is making people more and more interested in themselves instead.

@Hartley99 your last paragraph is very true, being interested in you and what makes you 'tick' isn't the same as being interested about you/what you do/where you work etc. I could talk/listen about passions and interests for hours, I am fairly bored talking about work/kids/holiday destinations unless they are somehow related to the passion/interest/what makes you 'tick' aspect.

I don’t agree with this, I know older generation, parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, colleagues who only talk about themselves. It’s always been this way, I remember in my 20s being at parties with drunk people ‘droning on’ (Pre social media).

I suggest it’s more of an age thing than a generational thing. You’d expect most people to improve their social skills as they get older and have more social interactions. So it may look as though it’s ’young people these days’, when it’s actually just what most people are, and have always been like

So of all the people at the party, you found not one you connected with, are you sure it was all them

They sound insufferable OP. I know exactly what you're talking about. Why anyone assumes their mundane crap is interesting to anyone else is beyond me and yes I'm including myself in that.

Some of the replies here are nuts. Of course you ask questions and answer questions in social settings, that's what a conversation is!

I was recently at a kids party chatting with a few parents when I noticed a mum on her own. I said oh hello you're Sally's mum aren't you and introduced myself. Then I asked her how sally was settling into school, I made a (pretty crap) joke about how in my house, it was me not the child who struggled to adjust.

It was intended as an icebreaker so she could join in with the group. However it seemed to land as an invitation for her to tell me in great detail and earnestness about her daughter's time on earth, her own parenting approach, her husband's job etc. My eyes glazed over. She didn't stop going. We got separated from the rest of the group as they loved toward the snacks table while she had me cornered. Then someone else arrived who she knew and she promptly turned her back and ignored me!

I’m sure you’re right that the world has always contained self-centred people. The world has always been full of jealous people as well. But social media has intensified those feelings. I didn’t mean that social media has made us self-centred, but that it has made us more self-centred. It has taken the traits that make us unpleasant and unhappy (fear of missing out, fear of being left behind by our peers, jealousy, spite, nosiness, self-centredness, feelings of exclusion and inadequacy, the urge to undermine and pull down other people, and so on) and turned the dial up. We can now be overwhelmed by such feelings at 3am while sitting on the loo. People can scroll through their iPhone at any time of the day or night and feel belittled or crushed by someone else’s achievements.

In defence, people then assert themselves more aggressively. They exaggerate and boast. Also, they become more defensive. One of the reasons people never ask questions is because they’re afraid of the answers. They don’t want to hear about your accomplishments because they’re constantly feeling belittled and outdone by what they read on social media.

There is a lot of 1-upmanship everywhere you look for sure. I do think lots of people are simply unaware of how they are interacting with others.

My in-laws are my example - DH and I actually make a point of not telling them anything about what we’ve been up to unless they ask. They never ask… they are in their late 60s. We can sit through a 2 hour lunch, just the 4 of us, and barely say a word.

In comparison, I have friends in their 20s who are super interested in our lives. Maybe it’s because we share interests, so this is genuine, and we have little in common with PILs.

I know what you mean. Some older people who are like that, however, are just depressed. When you’re depressed you become incredibly self-centred and uninterested in others. The fact that your in-laws hardly talk at all also suggests depression.

The distinction between nosiness and genuine interest is an important one. You say your friends are interested. But is it interest or nosiness? With some people, their personal questions put my back up. I know that deep down they have no real interest in me, and are delighted by my failures (because it makes them feel better about themselves). They certainly don’t want to hear about my successes (not that they’re ARE many!). When they act all friendly and ask personal questions I know they are secretly hoping to hear that my son failed his exams, or that my daughter is into drugs or something. I’m sorry to say it, but I think most friends are really frenemies.

The people I really cherish are the ones I know are genuinely interested in me - in what books I’m reading, what paintings I like, what films I enjoy, what hobbies I’ve taken up, how I’m really feeling, etc. In my experience, the majority of people are either indifferent or nosy. Only a minority are genuinely interested in others.

Oh no they aren’t depressed! They talk a lot! We know everything about their lives, their holidays, their neighbours lives etc!

No, the friends I refer to are genuinely interested as we share hobbies and interests. It’s not nosiness, it’s genuine conversation. Then there are the closest friends who are interested in all aspects of my life. That’s a select few.

Yes, as my previous post, most people ask polite questions just out of courtesy rather than genuine interest. Only few close friends and family members are usually really interested in anyone’s lives.

Also, I think that people that are asking a stranger personal questions like employment status, kids etc, are only interested in finding out if that person is worth their time and energy. If that person will be of benefit to them in the long run.
Oh you have a high paid job, we should meet for a coffee and be friends.
Oh you're a scrounger on the social, see ya.
Instead of just making conversation that will enable everyone to enjoy the night out and have a laugh. This way you can judge someone on how they are as a person, ie, well mannered, a good laugh etc, instead of judging them on their social status.

Travel lol. Places they've visited. Which on es they enjoyed.

Where they think is a good place to eat out/ see live music / attend events locally

I don't get some of these responses at all.

I agree, people don't really seem to ask questions and it's funny as both a friend and my Husband have mentioned something similar to me in the last few weeks.

You'll go out, people will start a monologue you'll ask a couple of questions about something they've said, drop a crumb or two about your own life to move things along and not get one question back. I often come away from meeting people for the first time/the first few times knowing a lot about them, and realise they don't know the most basic thing about me.

I realise recently that someone I have known for 5 years has never asked a single question about my job or my Husband. They just aren't interested.

I didn’t talk to every single person but the people in the area I was standing, there were a few.. who are the closest friends of the person who invited me, all seemed the same! When I go somewhere, especially turning up alone I try to make conversation and show an interest in people but it felt unreciprocated! I think maybe this certain group I have outgrown!

That sounds awful! People don’t seem to have those social cues or realise that people don’t want to hear their entire life stories!

Out of interest then, how would you start a conversation with a stranger at a party?

I would never ask about PIP if someone told me their child had ASD.. so rude!

I definitely don’t ask about their job to find out how much they earn, I don’t care about that! I have friends who earn £20k and friends who earn £200k…

"Hi, how do you know the invitee? Have you known them long?"
"Is anybody sitting here? Are you having fun?"
Anything that breaks the ice and see if they seem interested in talking.
To tell you the truth, it's been a long time since having decent conversation with strangers because I don't go out much anymore.
The times that I have had the most fun at parties or nights out have been when the people there don't care who you are or what you do, everyone is just there to have a good time. It's depressing when someone is asking for your life story when you have gone out to forget about how crap your life is. I suppose that's what makes a difference though as it will be different for someone that loves to brag about their life and achievements.

I’m between jobs and don’t have a partner or children. So your questioning wouldn’t have had much to go on.

For me; at parties with strangers I find initial chat about the place/mutual friend works best - you can then delve into more personal topics once you’ve struck up a rapport.

Your comment about your friend being single and having single friends is a bit weird - I’m sure your life is really busy and lovely at the moment, but not everyone has partners and children to talk about or want to talk about and I’m guessing that’s your world right now.

Part of being a good conversationalist is about chatting about things other people are interested in/making people feel comfortable and not just asking questions about things you’re interested in and being bemused when they don’t answer as you see fit

YANBU, I’m finding this more and more. One of the mums at school I’ve known for 18mths now, I’m always asking her about herself/kids/wkend etc and she has never once asked about me or my plans, if I do give any info she instantly turns it back around to being about her. I just find it so rude to show no
interest in people!

That wouldn't work these days unless you are talking to someone with spare time and a disposable income. A lot of people don't go out much or travel so it would be a non-starter. Much safer ground talking about their job or kids.

Same. It's just to get some common ground. Or "do you live locally... Oh you're in X, what's it like to live there, I've only visited briefly, it seemed very nice"

Totally this!

What I was trying to explain is they are single, dating, out every weekend drinking etc… I have a husband and child and do different things so maybe this is the issue! We share a love of music hence why we were friends to start with so I think going out to listen to music together is a fun night out, staying in chatting not so much as maybe we don’t share common interests! However I did make the effort to start conversations and ask questions about them and show an interest in the things they like.. but it wasn’t reciprocated.