Self centred people…

[StarbucksQueen1]

I went to a party at the weekend of a friend I have known for about 20 years. She’s recently single and so are a few of her friends, I have been with DH for 16 years and have a child. She’s always been a little bit self absorbed but my god, I didn’t realise how much and how also all of her friends seem the same.. is that because they attract each other?! I actively made conversation with most people, asked questions about work/kids/partners etc but not once did ANYONE ask me anything. I guess I gave information away in those conversations as I’d say ‘Oh my child is 6 for example’ but I was shocked at how bad people are at making conversation!

Do a lot of people just want to be listened to and want to talk without asking questions or is it about me?! When I got home I just thought wow, that was fun… being talked at but seemingly feeling like no one was interested in me!

I have other groups of friends and they’re not like this at all. It made me think I won’t bother making an effort to go to such parties! The taxi alone cost me £40!!

This is such a “perspective” question. I don’t go in for small talk or chat about things like kids / jobs / partners / holidays, because it’s interminably dull (to me) and - as someone with a few odd conversation killers in my life that these questions tend to bring out - I think it’s quite problematic for some people.

I don’t monologue at people about myself though - I try to direct conversations into non-personal topics and make space for other people to contribute naturally and in an open-ended manner, so they can lead onto topics they’re comfortable with. I don’t always get it right, but it’s usually a successful strategy.

I’ve had friends who thought they were great at conversation, but really were just firing questions at their opponent to try and pigeon-hole them into a hierarchy of their own devising.

I also know people who monologue at you endless, and don’t seem to have any social skills at all.

It’s hard to know where you (or any theoretical person) sits on that spectrum unless you witness it, because people rarely realise they’re interrogators or monologuers.

In my experience, the more middle class the group, the more likely there will be people who reciprocate in conversations/ask questions. Not saying this to be a snob, it’s just how I’ve experienced this.

I've noticed things get a lot worse since the internet, social media etc have really taken hold. There seem to be a whole generation of people who seem unable to hold an actual conversation and, worse, maintain any sort of eye contact now because they live their entire life in a digital space. It's having a huge impact on how we engage with others.

I'd also add that I think part of the reason discussions can often get so heated (to put it mildly!) on this very board is because people no longer know how to talk to one other properly.

It is perfectly possible to have a 'lively' debate without taking things the wrong way, getting defensive, argumentative, then descending into name calling and insults. But so few people seem able to do that.

I agree OP .. I think people generally have very poor conversation skills and are self obsessed. I am good at social stuff - talking and listening is part of my job - I can make conversation with anyone . However I frequently find I end up knowing the whole life story of a person and they ask me nothing in return! No interest !
I went to a family occasion at the weekend and it was the same - lots of talk about their kids , their work , their opinions on what's happening in the world .. with no interest in anything I said .
Tedious people .

I hadn’t thought about this but the people who are more interested and ask more questions and have a better conversation are middle class!

What would you ask to open a conversation with someone you don’t know? Not being sarcy…I’m interested as I’d go for the old faithfuls too and didn’t realise I was so boring 😂

Agree! There are so many totally self absorbed people out there who are happy dominating a conversation and don’t realise it’s a meant to be a shared kind of thing. I’m shocked at how rude some of the responses to your post are too. You sound a friendly, interested, normal person.

People that quote “well you’re a delight” tend to have issues, sorry but that’s just what I’ve found. And that’s how you’re coming across now to people trying to make conversations on this thread. People that say things you don’t want to hear, so you kick off. I would advise counselling, this is a you issue OP.

I dont think it's a case of not asking about those things, it's just more at a party, loud music, dancing, drinks. It's not always going to be the ideal setting for conversations like that.

These self absorbed people do my nut in. Thankfully they are few and far between, but it looks like there are quite a few in this thread. Just avoid them in future. They are unbelievably boring.

I know people like this and actively avoid them now.

I noticed I would find myself rushing through the odd squeezed in sentence, as it obviously wasn't welcome 😔
It's mortifying how people could be so self obsessed. Is it some sort of defect?

In all walks of life you bump into them.
Infact only yesterday a woman in the gym started monologuing at me.
Every time I mentioned something similar to add, she remained steadfastly silent, completely ignored me and then continued to monologue.
I wish I had walked away saying, "It was nice listening to you talking at me Luv" 🤐

My sister in law is exactly as you say. In the rare times we visit (because she's a nightmare) she's full of herself and latest dramas. Doesn't ask anything about us, doesn't refer to me by name, just 'your brothers girlfriend'
She's also a mlm bot and so called 'influencer'. Just tops it off nicely.

Needless to say she has no friends.

That's harsh, 'stuck up'
How lovely you are,

I have started seeing it as a bit of a game where I work. I call it "equality of information" - I think about what I know about people: where they live, what their interests are, what their partner does, what ages their children are, and what they do for a living, and whether they know the same about me. Quite a lot of the nicest people, I know all the above about them but they know practically nothing about me as they never ask, or if I do say something they just turn the conversation to themselves.

Eg: Me: DS has got a new job!
Expected response: Fantastic! What is it?
Actual response: My DS got a new job six months ago. He's doing so well his manager said . . .

Your friend sounds self absorbed based on what you have said here, however I don't think you can make the same conclusion about the others. They may not enjoy small talk, but replied to you out of politeness. Maybe you didn't pick up the cues that they didn't want to engage in a conversation but you kept on asking them questions anyway? It doesn't automatically mean they were all self absorbed.

Ive recently reduced contact with a friend of over 20years. She’s always been prone to being self centred and bringing everything back to her, but I have got to the point now that i think ‘i dont need this anymore’.
For example, she would ask to meet for a coffee and then spend the next hour or two talking about herself, her work dramas, her life dramas, while i would just sit there.

If she does ask you a question, she’ll inevitably bring it back round to herself again. I’m far happier having little to do with her now. I’ve noticed that a lot if her ‘best’ friends have cut her off over the years. I wonder if its for the same reason.

My friends and family members have become like this over recent years. They’ll phone me and it’s almost as if they’re just updating their status on Facebook (I’m not on FB) but they’ll phone just to give me a wall of what’s going on for them, I’ll get the occasional how are you, after they’ve talked about themselves for ages to which I generally just reply “I’m fine” now, because I’ve come to realise they genuinely don’t care! When I say I’m fine they just continue on with their monologue. I’ve known these people a long time and with the exception of one or two, they were never this self centred, it seems to be a fairly recent thing. It’s quite breathtaking when you start to notice it!

Yep OP I find this too. Doesn't matter what the topic of conversation is - dull or 'topic de jour,' the self absorbed ones will talk at you straight for 20 minutes, you manage to get a opinion in and they quickly flip it back to them again. We were friends with a family like this years ago and they would ask about us at the beginning and then once they felt that was out of the way, would just talk about themselves the rest of the time, barely stopping for breath. We weren't dull and had plenty to contribute, but couldn't get a word in without being talked over. Awful.

It is boring talking about everyday life stuff though. My life is pretty dull, I don't like talking about it with other people. It's also boring when people talk about their own lives, because really no-one else wants to know, it's just small talk.

At a party I would rather have an interesting conversation with someone about a film, or TV programme, or politics, or an article etc, than their lives. If I learn absolutely nothing about them, nor they me, that's fine - better to have a chat that makes you think.

I would say maybe these arent your kind of people. They obvipusly enjoy each others company a certain way that you find odd. I think you are perfectly reasonable in your thoughts but you were just with the wrong people if you feel like that. I personally dispise small talk and talk about schools or property or reality shows for example I would literally run away from that conversation but I know others love a chat about those subjects. Just dont go to their parties anymore, find your own tribe who likes to talk about what you like. Literally no point wasting time doing things you dont enjoy.

Everyone is different. Unless I know a person well I don't want to hear about their kids. And who wants to hear about somebodys work unless perhaps you work in the same field. YABU. Those folk you met just have different interests from you. Doesn't mean they're wrong and you're right.

OMG
Just this
I find this happens a lot more as youget older. I don't know whether people are worse as we get older or whether I just notice it more.
I am in a couple of clubs and we socialise. 6/7 of us often have a drink. There are 2 of them who tell very long drawn out stories when I ask a question (a bit dull too especially a long work story on a sat night ) and ask nothing about anyone else. It's mind boggling. I don't even think anybody would be that interested in a story I had to tell for that long. To top it all off my mum does it. She will ask me one random question and I say "fine" and don't elaborate because when I do I can see she isn't listening and as soon as she gets a chance then goes off on one talking about herself.
I have vowed never to do that to my children EVER.

I weirdly had a conversation about this with a good friend a few days ago. we were talking about meeting new people/networking and how difficult it was to make conversation with some people. I said something like my method is to keep asking questions until I find some common ground, but so many people these days don’t seem to reciprocate. It’s like ‘I just asked you a question …now it’s your turn to ask me a question! That’s how conversation works when someone you don’t know! do people not really understand this? Do you really think I am that interested in you? And why aren’t you interested in other people?! it can be so exasperating

There seem to be more people around like this, or maybe it’s that my tolerance has shrunk.
I don’t want to sit through tedious lengthy monologues from people who have zero interest in me. Just this week I had a zoom catch up of a hour and a half , only a couple of minutes with me talking, the rest all about her. She lives alone and has issues going on, but it was exhausting and I’m not a counsellor .

This! Literally everything you said and I’ve genuinely also vowed never to do this to my children too.. I agree, maybe I just noticed it more as I got older but word for word of your post I totally relate to and it’s actually really sad, you articulated it so well.