Fawning/obsessing over people you don't know

[Sparklybutold]

Why? Just why? I don't need to name names as it's bloody everywhere!

Of course it's sad when ANYONE is unwell or experiences something stressful, but why do strangers become so occupied with it?

Even as a teen I never understood the fan base that pop bands etc would get, sure I enjoyed the music, but would always look on with bemusement at the obsession. When I see people screaming, crying at people, they don't know, I just do not get it.

Especially when these same people are able to access resources the majority of us could only dream of! At the same time, millions of people suffer/die because of the same issue, but are simply born to the 'wrong' family. So to then adorn the people who have everything with more adoration/concern - is beyond crazy to me.

So, am I being a grumpy git? (Likely) or do you also think for god sakes get a grip!

To provide another perspective- I think it's far too easy nowadays to become obsessive about famous people/public figures/celebs/whatever.

People who become unhealthily absorbed with the lives of famous people are usually struggling with something in their own lives, particularly loneliness. I agree it's not a healthy way of dealing with those feelings, but with it becoming harder to connect with others IRL, plus the wealth of information online about (insert any famous person), it's probably a substitute for something missing.

One of my relatives goes through phases where she gets very over-invested in certain celebrity dramas. I find it really tedious, however, she is quite lonely as a person and I think it's a weird coping mechanism.

I'm sad PoW has cancer, in the same way it's upsetting if anyone has to deal with cancer. However, she'll be getting great care, which is unfortunately not the case for many people in the UK right now.

💯%

I have worked in many places and see the huge disparities between the haves and have nots. So to then see the outpouring to someone very fortunate feels nauseatingly grotesque.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Thank you x

It has been very difficult. In the case of genuine big name celebrities, of course there are PR teams etc to protect remaining family but in our case I was the only one to do everything as he was an only child and his parents are elderly. Of course I did have support and assistance. I also had a funeral that felt like a three ring circus attended by between 500 and 1000 people, a fraction of whom I actually knew.

I also had people who should have known better badgering me for special consideration while I was wrangling seating for extended family and close friends in a Chapel that only seated 50. We had to livestream the whole thing to those outside. Well, we didn't have to, but it was the path of least resistance to ppreserve my sanity.

I spent the service swigging neat vodka behind a veil and praying for my own death, frankly.

But it is what it is.

Or is this just another way to have a pop at an establishment that you object to?

SecretSoul - that’s it, I think.

That sounds horrific to me, MistressoftheDarkSide, an absolute ordeal that you shouldn't have had to go through on top of losing your husband.

Having to deal with requests from people who really ought to have known better, who ought to have put your comfort and feelings about their own selfish wants, must have added such additional stress. I hope the vodka blunted the works just a little but still, that's appalling. You are and were the principal and your role and dignity should have been respected absolutely.

I won't presume that your grief has diminished but I hope you have friends who will focus on you; your grief; your pain, without needing to refer to their own secondary and frankly far less important, feelings of loss.

I'm not articulate here but it is from the heart and meant with very much kindness to you.

I think it makes people feel superior, they pick a side and then laud it over people, shaming them for not being as virtuous as they are. That is why you often seen two camps, the team A or team B situation. Most people agree the truth is always somewhere in the middle, it's messy and not always straightforward. Yet people will pick a side as though it's as simple as good vs evil.

Also, the famous saying never meet your hero's is true on quite a few occasions. These celebrities etc curate a wholesome image thatbdoenst offend anyone. People then build this up in their heads about how amazing and lovely and gracious they are. But they don't really know that person, what they see is just one version. How often have we seen shocking news come out about someone famous doing something as awful as hitting their wife, having sex with underage kids, domestic violence and so on..and everytime peolle are shocked and comments on how they can't believe it.

Ir even aomething mold like had an affair or getting divorced, and comments on and on about how they looked so happy all the time, wel it's not really shocking if you really knew the person and they didn't always show themselves having a perfect life to the public.

Thank you again @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I'm muddling through, always muddling....

Thank you for understanding.

I think it does illustrate the way society has become very self absorbed quite neatly though. I'm obviously not immune to being selfish from time to time, but I would hope I could avoid being so crass and thoughtless as some I've encountered, especially in such difficult circumstances.

I know it's old fashioned, but whatever happened to etiquette?

@MistressoftheDarkSide I'm so sorry, that sounds awful - having to manage the expectations of complete strangers while you have your actual life on fire like that. Your DP sounds wondeful. I hope as time goes on that people get a grip and you are given the space you need to grieve in your own way.

A similar thing happened to a local musician a few years back and I always really felt for his wife. He had a bit of a cult following in the scene and was only 32 - all the reporting emphasised that he was a member of this band, instead of the fact that he was her husband, and it always struck me as missplaced.

The worst thing about the Diana thing was that they were so obsessed with their own ridiculous hysteria that they completely ignored the welfare of her children. There is footage of people wailing at William and Harry, and they have said they found that hugely upsetting. There is also a clip of some stupid idiot telling Prince Philip to ' look after the boys', and he snaps back ' that's what we have been doing ' clearly angry. It's one thing, even on social media to get hysterical as some kind of release when the people involved can ignore it, but to turn up and cry in the faces of two children who have lost their mother. Well, take a look at yourself. Also people who buy presents to give to the Wales children on Christmas day. Children who materially have everything they could possibly want. I obviously wouldn't wish the upset they currently have on any child, but there are children with nothing who would have appreciated those gifts far more.

@VampireWeekday

Thank you x

One of my close friends with whom I canspeak freely commented it was a bit of a case of "spot the grieving widow" as so many were upset. I suppose it's inevitable when someone is well known though. I totally empathise with the other widow you mention.

On the one hand it is wonderful to know how much your husband was lived and appreciated- but it's also really hard to appreciate because yes they're dead and your life is on fire (mine's completely incinerated but that's another story).

There are many paradoxes in widowhood I find x

That is it exactly, MistressoftheDarkSide and also VampireWeekday - etiquette has been replaced by 'my feelings matter', across the board, expecting everybody else - including the person actually bereaved - to accommodate those when that person is at their lowest ebb.

When a celebrity dies and there is a thread started here there is always somebody 'in floods', someone who is 'broken' and they are posters who never knew the person who has died, had no part in their lives yet they feel entitled to appropriate grief. I find that completely incongruous to decency and actually disrespectful.

Yes, the families of the deceased may never read the thread but anybody who has been in the position of having their genuine grief overtaken and dismissed by mawkish posturing, remembers and suffers again.

Social media has so much to answer for; it has encouraged and fostered a 'look at meeee' crowd and validated it.

I was listening to a podcast by a lady with BPD who said that because she had a weak sense of self, she would attach herself to strong, loud, domineering people. She had also been caught up in various cults. Now she’s obviously an extreme example, but I think quite a lot of people are like that. Either they have very low self-esteem or a very weak sense of self/individuality (or both). Because of that, they are in search of a better or bigger identity. And so they attach themselves to pop stars, celebrities, and so on. It’s like they live vicariously through them.

Actually, I think people do this in all kinds of ways. I know people who fanatically follow the local football team, for example. But I’m not sure they even like football. It’s just something to belong to. People who get involved in religious cults or extreme politics are can be like this as well. My ex was a big macho guy who played rugby. Underneath the tough exterior, however, he really had no personality and was incredibly dull. He needed to lose himself in the team. I sometimes think people who join the armed forces can be like this. My cousin’s husband had been a fitness instructor in he army and was strikingly handsome and fit. But, like my ex, he didn’t really have a personality. There was nothing there. He had no opinions and was totally dominated by his wife. Pop stars, fan clubs, football teams, cults, religions, the armed forces, etc, give people an identity.

There is something so sexy and cool about loners and outsiders. I mean people who know who they are and don’t need to live vicariously or join or belong to anything bigger than themselves. Anyway, I might be talking nonsense here! I’m rambling.

It's really quite odd. I've also noticed this odd behaviour is also especially reserved for posh people/celebs. Maybe the Brit obsession and respect for class etc

I’m sorry to hear about your experience, your story resonated with own when my father passed away many many years ago when I was 19.

He was a very well known and loved man in the small town where we lived. Other people’s grief, feelings and memories seemed to intrude into my families ability to deal with our own loss.
Sometimes I just wanted to scream at them he was my Dad, the image you have of him is not who he really was! They were kind and well-meaning I suppose, but at the end of the day they could go home and get on with their lives whilst ours would never be the same.

I wonder whether this is why I find these public grief/concern events so frustrating.

@SomethingUniqueThisTime

I am so sorry you too have experienced this x I suspect many people have but it is so frowned upon to be anything other than "grace under fire". The wanting to let loose and scream at the "well meaning" is utterly understandable. But would be seen as very bad form. So into the pillow it has to go.

And it does interfere with the grieving process. Mine is now "problematic" apparently and no-one knows quite what to do with me.

It's OK though - I have a cat x

Femmefatality
I've also noticed this odd behaviour is also especially reserved for posh people/celebs

Which ‘posh’ people, apart from the royal family?