A wedding question

[askingaquestionaboutthis]

Hi,

Partner of 9 years has finally (😂) started to make some noises about us getting married. He has floated the idea of a beach wedding in somewhere abroad (initial idea is Santorini) with just nearest and dearest (parents and bridesmaids etc) and our children there, followed by a party back home to celebrate where we can invite wider family and friends. He seems to think this would work out cheaper than a UK wedding. What are people's thoughts on the financial aspect of abroad versus home, and also just general pros and cons of each I might not have considered?

Thank you!

I'd be asking him if the reason he wants a destination holiday is so it makes it almost impossible for his family to be there. Unless they've been abusive, that's not very kind of him!
I was invited to my niece's/goddaughters wedding abroad and couldn't go because a) I couldn't afford to and b) it was in term time and I worked in a school. I was gutted.
For that reason, I'd swing towards a uk wedding.

@Changingplace
I suspect he'd be disappointed if his best mate wasn't there, but I don't think it'd be a deal breaker. I'd need to discuss that with him though. He's definitely not bothered about his parents, he's expecting them to not come and I think he's secretly relieved about that - they don't have a good relationship for very good reasons.

I think you need to factor in that a lot can change in three years, so anything you plan now might not be reality by the time the wedding rolls around - additional children could be born to any of the guests, relationships can break up, people’s income can change for the worse. So I’d be wary of asking anyone to commit to something, and budget accordingly, this far out.

In your circumstances, I’d take all your children, and go somewhere beautiful in the UK for a couple of days this summer to get married - a small country house hotel, a register office (there are lots in beautiful buildings) - and then save and plan for a big celebration party in this country with everyone else, once you’ve had your lovely marriage, focused just on your immediate family. When you’ve been together as long as you have and already have children, nobody will be expecting the fairy tale, down the aisle, starting out in the world together type wedding, surely?

20 days in Santorini would be enough to put me off. There's not a huge amount there. Have you considered less touristy destinations which might work out cheaper for everyone too?

You can have a massive registry office wedding and a hotel after. It's quite nice. Just get oh with it. I've seen too many people in financial mess because they didn't get married. People die. More often than you think. You think it won't happen to you. But there's a high chance it will

@rainbowstardrops
They have been abusive yes. His entire childhood.

No its not mine was a wedding ceremony that was about us but the rest of the day was just an excuse for family to bond

Why did you “wait” 9 years if you wanted to be married you could’ve asked him?

why are you asking about weather and costs etc when you’re still waiting on him to propose?

I’ll ‘wait’ on tetchy reply…

@MyMotherMyDogAndClowns

It's not so much others' expectations, it's that my partner and I want that.

FYI, I'm now ignoring completely any goady comments, I just cannot be arsed.

I'll only be responding to helpful comments worded respectfully,

A wedding can cost a lot but on the other end of the scale far, far less. It depends what you want and I agree I think a smaller venue UK wedding would be cheaper and less stressful to navigate than a wedding abroad. Trying to get everyone to get the same week off work might be difficult. It depends where they all work. Flights, hotels, transport to and from the airports.

We have been to weddings where we have been roped into collecting the fucking flowers from the church to move them to the venue afterwards,. Had we not been asked to put them in the boot of our car I would never have noticed them. No one really gives a shit about your table centre pieces, your chair covers or ribbons which match the bridesmaids or the colour theme of the wedding. These are all things that some people feel they need to add to their wedding that add to the cost. Dh's mate's wife is a wedding planner and she says people get very caught up in the minutia and forget it is a one day party.

Rubbish I'd did mine for just under £8000

@RainStreakedWindows
We actually haven't considered anywhere else as yet, these discussions are brand new.

Do you have any specific suggestions? ☺️

Fair enough. I'd pay it all for her if it were my sister as she'd be saving to take the kids to Disney or something she wants to do

Three years is a ridiculous engagement for anybody. When you've been together 9 years and have kids even more so. Just have the wedding you can afford in the least stressful way for everybody.

But by insisting on it because you want it, you’re expecting that the universe will order it so that everything else falls in with your plans. I’m pointing out that things are rarely so simple.

It sounds as though for you, having a wedding is more important than being married, so you just need to be prepared that the wedding bit won’t go exactly as you’re picturing it, or you’re in for potential disappointment.

I have no desire to get married, but if I did, and my partner had held out for 9 years then agreed, but for 3 years hence, alarm bells would be going off.
@askingaquestionaboutthis Have you made proper legal arrangements for the protection of you and your children?

Someone mentioned centre pieces and chair covers ... I can honestly hand on my heart say, I'm not arsed about either 😂

I want to marry the man I love in front of my family and closest friends. I'm bothered about my dress, hair and make up because I want to feel beautiful for the day (what bride doesn't). But the other details I honestly don't care. I've been to many weddings over the years and I can't say I've ever given a shit or noticed what's on the centre of any of the tables (even at both my sisters weddings!) 😂

If you want 80 guests at a fashionable venue on a Saturday in the summer, 4 bridesmaids, 4 groomsmen, suits and dresses, £2k wedding dress, photographer, videographer, lots of fresh flowers, DJ/band, photobooth, decor etc etc. yes you’ll struggle to do it for less than £20k.

It can be done for a whole lot less. I work in the wedding industry so I see both ends of the spending. Go off peak, weekday, less guests, nice but not trendy venue, and you can do it all in for £10k and still have a great day.

But you don't have to get married in a Register Office in the UK any moreso than you do abroad? Plenty of places that could host a reception are also licensed to hold a ceremony there too.

Totally agree that the wedding ceremony should be wholly about the couple and their marriage, the party and celebrations not so much if you want other people to enjoy it too, otherwise you risk entering Bride and Groomzilla territory.

Then do it in the UK. It can still be far away from his parents

I've only been to one of the destination weddings I was invited to because it was somewhere I wanted to go to and the bride and groom massively subsided the cost.
Wedding venues in the UK can be costly if you go for a package and include lots of expense and additions.
We had a local registry office for a handful of people and then a big party in a building we hired - paid for everything and a hot/cold buffet plus dancing and face painting for kids and it was around £2 or 3k in total, wasn't expensive for a wedding with a lot of guests. Then we got the beach part by going on holiday (with DD as she was quite little still).
You can have a really good wedding without it breaking the bank but you have to swerve the wedding industry to do so.

@RandomButtons
Midweek I know is cheaper, but then I'm expecting guests to take annual leave ... so it's the same issue surely? Cheaper for them yes, but placing an expectation on them, which I'm being told is "selfish" and "all about me" 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations (soon hopefully)!

If going for abroad I would suggest somewhere you have been before, that was a special holiday. It is a big risk to base the location on others opinions. Your opinion could be very different

For thos country would you consider a church wedding? Personally I think this is a lovely way to marry. For a reception I would try to consider venues that are not typically wedding venues. Specifics difficult without a location

Weddings are all about you but are also a surefire way to ruffle feathers!