Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

[Popcornlassie28]

I am torn with this one. Half of me understands it’s the bride and grooms day and they invite who they wish but then the other half of me does sting a bit.

She has been my best friend for over 13 years. Her Fiancé asked for help picking a ring and told me when he was going to propose. I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

She has said in the past I would be a Bridesmaid (sister MOH) and my girls would be flower girls as they call her Auntie.

Anyways, she informs me I’m not invited to the wedding and only the big party they are hosting on another day.

No falling outs. She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest. However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

I’m so torn on how to feel.

Do you know what is invited? Any other friends?

Is it just family who are going to the wedding ceremony?

She hasn’t stated. If it was just family I would kind of get it? But she’s being shady with it and keeping very tight lipped about who is going.

I didn’t invite my best friend to my wedding. We remain very close.

I think you need to establish if it’s family only. If she has invited other friends, but not you, then that’s a different matter.

She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest

These things are opposites, OP.

She wants a small ceremony with no stress. That is very clearly “just leave it” territory. You obviously don’t “understand it 100%”.

She doesn’t want to chat about it, she doesn’t want to share details, she doesn’t want you to “show interest.” She wants a private ceremony and is getting cold with you because you’re transgressing her boundaries while claiming to be with her.

Just leave the poor lass to it. You can be still be best friends.

some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

Your other friends are shit stirring as you’ve obviously been moaning about it to them.
It’s fine to be hurt you won’t get to share her big day, but if that’s her preference then it is what it is.
Only you can decide if it’s worth losing the friendship over.

Ouch. I feel for you. It does very much depend whom else is invited though. Her coldness could be coming from not knowing how to deal with the guilt because of what she's promised.

If she's that good a friend, can't you have an open chat about it?

I think it is completely reasonable to feel a bit weird about it. Doesn't mean you think you should be invited.

She's entitled to draw her boundaries but presumably she values your friendship and so your feelings. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to talk about it. Maybe you could approach it from an angle of saying up front you're not angling for an invitation but that you would love to hear about what her wedding day will be like because you love her and want to share the joy. She just surly understand that if you've shared everything up to now suddenly not doing feels a bit rejecting.

As an aside I would really not like it if my fiance had planned the proposal etc with my mate and not me, even if it was meant as a lovely surprise.

I didn't invite my mum to my wedding but did invite my neighbours. Cause... Witnesses.

The last time I checked, I still have a mum.
Don't get me wrong, she wasn't pleased about it at the time but it has never mattered since that day.

Did I read that right that you told her mum she was getting engaged, while she was away, hadn't been proposed to yet, and hadn't the once in life chance to ring her mum with the surprise news?

The devil is in the detail here I think. The 'big party' likely is the wedding. When we were looking at venues, some places don't have a legally binding place for ceremonies. If we had chosen one of those options, we would have had to go to a registery office another day. And I don't think I really would have invited anyone to that, just witnesses maybe. Then we would have had a ceremony on the day that would have seemed like the real thing.

The fact she is being a bit cagey about it might show something more to it. But maybe she just doesn't want to go on about it as she knows you have an issue with it.

I thought that too, wtf?

No. We all knew. We was messaging on Facebook and HER MUM said how excited she was and I said I was too. It was only family and I that knew. Jesus.😂

I think it depends if it’s literally a few immediate family members going to the ceremony or lots of other friends but not you. If the latter, I’d be very upset and taking a step back from the friendship.

Oh. Yes, this might be it.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest.

Stop showing interest then.

If it is such a small wedding as another poster mentioned, she might just want you to stop talking about it.
Considering how close you seem to be to the family it could be coming across as guilting, and now that the actual wedding has arrived she may just genuinely want family.
Stop talking about it for a while and see if things get less chilly?

Do you not look the part OP? is she a bridezilla who wants perfect insta photos and nothing else?

YANBU, I would be really upset by this and would want to understand the set-up.

Surely if she is as good a friend as you say, you can be open about your feelings. I can't imagine not being able to talk to my best friend about this.

Families can be difficult at weddings. You know hers but presumably not his so well? A small wedding can be best for the family group. The fact that she doesn't want to talk about it could mean it's not the wedding she wanted, but it's the one she feels will set up her married life best.

Your other friends shouldn't be encouraging you to take offence.

She is probably feeling awkward. See if she wants to talk about the big party instead. If not just get on with your life and your friendship.

She might be embarrassed their budget doesn’t stretch to more invites, I’d remain excited for her big day, weddings are so expensive, small weddings will always upset somebody. It’s part of the reason we went off by ourselves and got married abroad, we just upset everyone but no one felt left out over other people being invited.

@Orders76 Potentially. That’s not how I ever intend to be. She shares everything with me and expects to know every single inch of my life haha. She’s more pushy on that aspect that me, I’m the more relaxed one but I think there is some feeling of guilt of maybe not following through.

Again, I would rather her just say than have a weird energy of awkwardness. I’m going to back off for a while.
Thanks for your comments. X

It’s possible she feels you’re trying to guilt her into inviting you by showing all this interest in exactly who is being invited.

Stop asking her questions about the wedding, it's clear she doesn't want to talk about it.
I didn't invite my best friend to my wedding, we are still best friends. I had family only (no church, bridesmaids etc).