Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

[Popcornlassie28]

I am torn with this one. Half of me understands it’s the bride and grooms day and they invite who they wish but then the other half of me does sting a bit.

She has been my best friend for over 13 years. Her Fiancé asked for help picking a ring and told me when he was going to propose. I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

She has said in the past I would be a Bridesmaid (sister MOH) and my girls would be flower girls as they call her Auntie.

Anyways, she informs me I’m not invited to the wedding and only the big party they are hosting on another day.

No falling outs. She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest. However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

I’m so torn on how to feel.

You're going to the party afterwards which presumably she has paid caterers for so is including you!

The actual ceremony she has decided for whatever reason you are not to be there: Get over it!

It’s a bit odd that her actual wedding will exclude you having said before that she would have you as a bridesmaid. Plenty of people have small weddings and still manage to invite their best friend along. Could be money related. You don’t think she’s just going along with something that doesn’t suit her? Or is she getting married later in life than she’d expected and finds the idea of bridesmaids silly perhaps …

The last few weddings I've been to have been really small with just family (other than best man/Bridesmaid and a couple of friends without their partners).

Are they just having a registery office with a couple of witnesses to get the legal bit done then the big do later where they do all the showy bits ? I know people who have done that.

Why didn't you invite your mum?

It might not have mattered to you but i bet it does to her.

Personally I'd just support her and be a friend

I'd be upset and would think it very strange - surely there will be a best man at the ceremony ?

It wouldn’t bother me, go and enjoy the party.

Just like OP's friend, I favoured a no-frills calm on the day.
If I invited my mum, the inlaws would have to be invited too and they come as a bunch of six. Would be strange my twin brother dropping mum off but without an invite for himself, so...he's in. Someone would be bound to take an immortal offence if children were not included so add a couple of those.
My DH would feel compelled to invite his friend whose wedding he had just attended... And I would have to invite OP for fear of mutiny in our friendship group 😁

Phew, it's stressful just thinking about it!

IMO you see her as a best friend but she doesn't see you as hers. I understand some people want small weddings/ ceremonies and if you were truly best friends you would know that about her and this wouldn't be a surprise. the fact that you don't shows that she's either been hiding that side of herself or she simply doesn't want you in her wedding... both scenarios shows that she is not the friend you thought she was.

The fact her to be groom asked for your help choosing a ring, indicates he thought you were indeed very good friends and would be apart of said wedding which makes it ever more strange.

its not worth losing a friendship over but I would take a step back in terms of your friendship. I probably wouldn't go to the party either but I'm stubborn and have a very F**K you attitude.

If I was a more rational person (which you should be) I'd ignore the fact she's even getting married, I wouldn't ask any further questions or show an interest and await my invite to the reception/party and just attend, smile hand her her gift and move on with my life. You can continue to be friends but I would keep in mind she is not a true friend.

Wow.

I don’t think @QueenCamilla is being at all unreasonable. That’s exactly the reason we just took two unemployed friends to witness opus signing the register. We both have big immediate families and even an ‘siblings and parents’ wedding would have been way bigger than either of us wanted. So we just did it quietly and didn’t tell anyone for about five years, when it got mentioned by accident, because we’d more or less forgotten who knew.

However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

The main thing I'm getting from your post is that your friends are toxic! What sort of adults think like this? It's playground politics.

Why didn’t you invite her.

If the ceremony is just immediate family, parents and siblings, then a big party for wider family and friends, I see no issue .
If she is inviting other friends and excluding you, then it's an issue.
Bide your time and see what unfolds x

Indeed. I just couldn't bear any fuss - we had 2 mates as witnesses at my first and 3 mates at my second. No party, just lunch with these mates afterwards each time.

People who want a big do - crack on. Some of us can't bear the idea, however.

Yes, that’s an eight year throwing a tantrum about not being invited to a soft play party, not the behaviour of adults in a long-standing friendship.

That’s exactly what we did. It was lovely. If I were remarrying, I would do the same.

is it a budget ting? maybe embarrased about not inviting everyone?

I agree get some distance from her. Stop showing interest in her wedding. Don’t buy a lavish gift. And when you get married, do not invite her to the actual wedding.

I’m not inviting a very close friend to my wedding. While I love her, I don’t trust her to behave herself - she always brings the drama, and likes to make everything about herself. It is 1000x worse with booze in the mix. Are there any previous incidents that might have worried the bride?

Me and DP are doing exactly this. Getting married midweek with just parents and siblings, and then having a big party on the Saturday night with everyone.

We mean no offence, but who cares about the actual vows? Surely that's boring for everyone to watch, and all people are interested in is the party, right?

We discussed this, and then said 'oh we could just invite X' but then x leads to z and before you know it you've got a room full of 200 people because if you invite one, someone else will be offended. So we've had to be REALLY small and literally just do immediate family.

One of my best friends got married abroad and had a party here - obviously just went to the party. No friends invited to the wedding. That wasn’t a problem.
I can’t imagine any of my close friends getting married and not inviting me unless it was strictly family only. Sadly no others have got married for various reasons.
If I were you I’d just accept she’s not a good a friend as you thought and just attend the party (assume you have mutuals) and see how it goes from there.

It is because you told her mother before she could tell her.

I think your decision to back off is a good one. Honestly, I’d go silent for a while, no texts or phone calls to her at all. Let her realize that you’re not going to make a fuss about this and wait for her to get in touch.

It might be money-related or it may be that if they invite you, they’ll feel obliged certain other ppl that they don’t want there.

One word of advice about her being pushy and always wanting to know what’s going on in your life. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to. I have a family member like this, rather tight-lipped about her own business but nosy about ours. I ask her lots of questions now. 😂 obviously don’t ask about the wedding, I mean in the future.

She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to discuss it further. You have two choices:

1. Wait and see what happens with the wedding. The likelihood is that it’s a very small family only ceremony as others have suggested; in which case, when it happens, you’ll find out.

2. You can try to force some big confrontation about the issue as your shit-stirring “friends” seem to be hoping to witness. In which case you almost guarantee you’ll be uninvited from the reception and probably ditched as a friend.

Personally I’d rather wait it out and see where I stood before throwing away a long-term friendship. Think about the practicalities a bit. Why would she be inviting you to the party if she’s secretly fuming with you for some reason?