Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

[Popcornlassie28]

I am torn with this one. Half of me understands it’s the bride and grooms day and they invite who they wish but then the other half of me does sting a bit.

She has been my best friend for over 13 years. Her Fiancé asked for help picking a ring and told me when he was going to propose. I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

She has said in the past I would be a Bridesmaid (sister MOH) and my girls would be flower girls as they call her Auntie.

Anyways, she informs me I’m not invited to the wedding and only the big party they are hosting on another day.

No falling outs. She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest. However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

I’m so torn on how to feel.

I’m so torn on how to feel.
Do you have the choice how to feel? If you are able to choose, be happy.

The OP updated to say that the mum already knew.

My best friend didn't invite me or any of our friends to her small family wedding. There was some tension between the in-laws and her family. She wanted to keep it low key. She took marriage very seriously. Her attitude was that she was in it for life, she wanted it to work, and she was going to start by focusing on that relationship.

Then there are families where someone is terminally ill and things need to be quiet.

The thing is, if there's something wrong in your friendship, this won't be the only sign. She may really trust you to understand that - wires can get crossed but try not to think of this as a sign of how much she values you. It sounds as if you're a great friend to her and her wedding will come and go.

@BruFord Thank you for the advice- I appreciate it. I agree with you. She wanted to know when I was TTC my youngest and I mean exactly WHEN😂😂🙈

She is very cagey about her own life though so I will just retract information as at times I felt obliged to share and felt the pressure. X

@RampantIvy Thank you! X

Why?

Very small do?

I suspect she felt pressurised into asking you and your children to be members of the wedding party so the only way to let you down is have a family only wedding for the civil ceremony part. Perhaps you took over with all the messaging and they could see how the future planning may look!

In any event step back a little and let her have the wedding she wants and how she wants it. If that means you no longer want to be friends with her then that suggests perhaps you aren't really that good a friend to her too.

No it's not

Her mum and family already knew

I wasn’t invited to my best friends actual wedding ceremony and wedding breakfast, DH and I were invited to a party a couple of weeks later to celebrate with them. It didn’t even occur to me to be offended, they only had family to the ceremony and that was as they wanted it. We had a bloody brilliant time at the party.. I was 8.5 months pregnant and danced til 3am 💃🏼

Yes, one of my SIL’s is similar. I suspect it’s because she always wants to present her life as perfect and if ppl ask too many questions, they might discover that it’s not!
Shes a lovely person, just feels the need to present a certain front, which I don’t fully understand.

It’s okay to take a step back. It will be good for you and good for your friend. It’s okay to stew and feel upset but you don’t have many details yet so just… don’t do anything rash, okay?

Again I completely understand your hurt and I don’t know if I’m a big girl enough to follow my own advice on this.

dh and I never invited our parents or most of our siblings to our "wedding" as we kept it very small, registry office and quick meal after. We never told them until after and they got over it quicker than you did and respected my choice.

You are obviously very important to her and great friends, but part of that friendship is respect and currently you are showing her none.

She wants a small private ceremony as the thought (and probably expensive) of a big wedding getting out of control stresses her. It isn't about you or excluding you. Respect her wishes, tell her you respect and understand why she is doing it, stop judging her for your perceived exclusion, never say how you wish you could be there, just tell her it all sounds great - intimate, perfect for her, and maybe she might be more open about it.

I think your friend is being unfair to you, OP. Whose idea was it for you to be bridesmaid, your children as flower girls, etc?

A friend would have said to you that plans have changed and that these roles aren't needed now. You're not needed for the ceremony - or for any part of the wedding, the ceremony is the important bit, the party is peripheral to that and not important in the scheme of things.

You tell your friend everything, she's guarded with you. I would re-think the friendship, certainly how much information you tell her.

I asked my best friend at the time to be my witness; I wish I hadn't. She's there on the marriage certificate now for all time. The friendship was slipping, I should have discarded it without a backward glance as soon as I had nagging thoughts; I wish I had.

if she has invited anyone other than family, then you know she actively doesn’t want you there. See if you can find out.

Honestly, just leave her be. I am having the same questions over and over and DP and I have decided to elope and have a party after.

wedding talk can be really overwhelming so I would just back off a little - the fact you are not invited doesn’t seem personal to you at all!

YADNBU OP..can't believe some of the responses on here!

If you are best friends and share every aspect of your lives etc etc then you'd be a bloody robot NOT to be upset. That said, you don't know the nuts and bolts of the wedding party, if other friends are invited and not you, I'd be vvv upset, if family only, I'd not have a problem.

I'd ignore what others say about not showing interest 'respect boundaries'🙄ffs if you can't say stuff to a 'best' friend about one of the biggest days of her life then what kind of bloody friend is that, jeez🤦🏼‍♀️

I hope it all works out for the best OP, for both of you🙏🏼

I didn’t invite any friends to my wedding - it was family only. I didn’t talk about it much either. It didn’t even cross my mind anyone would feel hurt that I had a tiny wedding, all my friends just said they were happy for me.

Maybe she didn't like you helping her fiance to choose the ring?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Her idea. I never brought up the topic. In fact, I have never brought up any topics of her wedding with her, I’ve only ever answered questions she has asked or discussed what she has discussed first.

When I say I’m trying to stay interested, it’s in what she has already brought up.

Also with her ring, she went shopping with her fiancé about a year a go and chose three rings she loved and wanted him to choose one of out the three. Her Mum was asked, Dad, sister and me. It wasn’t some seedy conversation between him and I😂 I am very respectful of that.

I agree with you. All the hype has been created by her and then it went flat. No drunken stories, never any drama. She’s the loud one and I’m the quiet one haha.

Thank you!

Bloody hell, it probably does to her. She’s just had to squash those feelings down to not lose a daughter.

I agree with @jenny38

She’s probably always dreamed of a big wedding but when it actually came to looking into it, she’s discovered they actually cost a fortune and they can’t afford it.

You're going to the party without having to wear a usually dreadful bridesmaid dress and stand around a drafty church or naff registry office in high heels for ages. Sounds like a win to me!

I know your friend may have said in the past that she wants you to be her bridesmaid and at her wedding. She is now having a wedding and a party after this.
My feeling is that yes she may have wanted a big wedding but perhaps financially she can't afford it. If she invites any non family member to the wedding she will be expected to invite a lot more on both her and the grooms side.
By keeping it immediate family only she can have a small intimate wedding. Her or the groom could certain family members that have had a falling out, drink to much or just cause trouble so they don't want them their. Also there could be something going on in either families that you may not be aware of.

Rather than getting annoyed with your friend and saying something that you later regret I would say nothing. I would just wait and see what happens. Let her deal with the planning and deciding on who's going to the party. Don't ask her any questions and don't offer to help her out for either event when you're in contact with her.
She can't ring and ask for your help or advice from now unless she asks you to the party. If your not invited to the party she can't expect a present from you either.
It your not invited to the party I would just step back and let her contact you. You can then tell her it was poor form not to invite you to her wedding or party after x number of years friendship.

I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

this stuck out to me .... was the engagement supposed to be a suprise ? Does the mum have history of keeping things private including major things like this ? Has she just realised if she wants to have everything her own way she needs to keep things tight

I didn’t have any friends at my wedding(dh didn’t either) we had an family only wedding day eg parents, siblings and aunts/uncles and select cousins. 40 in total including us.

we hen had friends and extended family at night.

if she is inviting family only then that’s fine but if other friends were invited then I’d be hurt. You need to find this out before feeling hurt about it.

i HAD a friend who I had helped through a turbulent divorce, was there to help her move, checked in on her most days, helped her when she was down and needed support and then she met a new guy who was manipulative, abusive, just horrid, she dropped me like a hot stone and got married in secret after only a few months with some random work colleague as a witness. Friendship ended that day. I felt used.

they are still together but what I hear from others the relationship is still as crap as before.