Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

[Popcornlassie28]

I am torn with this one. Half of me understands it’s the bride and grooms day and they invite who they wish but then the other half of me does sting a bit.

She has been my best friend for over 13 years. Her Fiancé asked for help picking a ring and told me when he was going to propose. I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

She has said in the past I would be a Bridesmaid (sister MOH) and my girls would be flower girls as they call her Auntie.

Anyways, she informs me I’m not invited to the wedding and only the big party they are hosting on another day.

No falling outs. She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest. However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

I’m so torn on how to feel.

What’s ‘wow’ about it? Some people just don’t want a big ceremony 🤷‍♀️ I have no interest in getting married but if I did I’d have a tiny ceremony, even the idea of saying vows in front of lots of people gives me anxiety!

Can NO ONE actually read the OP’s posts?

Don't you need at least one non family member for each side though?
Witnesses
Groomsman and maid of honour (I know this isn't a legal thing but it's pretty standard to have one person standing up with the groom and bride)

Is she having only family?

Who are the witnesses?

I think the exact opposite is true.
I would sooner see the vows- the actual getting married bit - than go to a party.

Are you assuming this is happening conveniently nearby, and in the context of some form of ceremony, though?

Because in our case, the entire ceremony was less than ten minutes, no rings, no music, no vows (from what I remember we just said we were free to marry and were marrying X), in jeans, and family and friends would have had to fly in from another country to witness this pretty underwhelming event.

Which was exactly as we wanted it, I should say, but was exactly why we didn’t invite anyone. It would have immediately turned into some kind of bigger deal than we wanted if even only our immediate families all had to take time off, get on a flight and pay for accommodation in London.

If you're not important enough to be invited to the wedding, you won't be missed at the reception.

I'd be giving it a miss.

I have to say that isn't true.

We had a small.wedding as my mum insisted on paying for our wedding venue. She had been a single.parent since I was 4 working 2- 3 jobs to make ends meet and wouldn't take no for an answer when we said we would pay for it ourselves. So we happily had a small day wedding due to that fact.

It also saved the hassle of inviting all our friends during the day aswell as their plus ones which would have been 40 extra people. 20 0f whom we didnt know as they were plus ones.

I think it sounds like the issue is with her and not with you. If she has gone from enthusiastic to cagey, it could be that she's having money issues and can't afford her ideal wedding, so doesn't want to get carried away with wedding chat. It could even be that she's going to surprise everyone by the party being the wedding.

Unless you find out that everyone except you is invited, please don't take it personally- whatever is going on, she'll tell you when she's ready.

I wonder if she's upset you told her mum before she told her mum she was engaged. Honestly just step back. She's allowed to invite who she wants.

Whats the point of the party without the wedding vows. Your choice but I disagree. A wedding is about the vows!

I don’t understand why you can’t just accept what she says, she’s having a very small wedding but a big party and what’s you at the latter. Why the drama over it.

I imagine she is doing a family only wedding. She's doing better than me by having a party, me and dp are planning to 'elope' (I use the '' as eloping to me sounds more like a surprise shotgun option so when you have 2 kids and own a home together, I'm not sure elopement is the right phrase 🤣) and not having a party after. I have pretty bad social anxiety and having a wedding fills me with absolute dread. It's the only reason we aren't married already.

She didn't tell her mum first. It is in the OP's updates.

If they are having a party on a different day I would assume a small registry office wedding or a wedding abroad and then inviting everyone to the party.

If she is only having family /witness fair enough her choice

If she is having friends as well then different

But you are invited to the party /celebration after

There is no requirement for witnesses to be non-family members.

Why don’t you say to her that although you aren’t going, you will still love to help her so if she needs you, you are there for her in any way she needs. Done. Is she having a hen do or does she want anything like that - she shouldn’t miss out on things unless she wants too. Just be her friends and stick with it

I think you need to keep in your head very clearly that it's THEIR day and they can do it how they want. Several of my close friends have got married without inviting me. It's absolutely fine.
If you think it's a deliberate snub to you, or that she's trying to push you out of her life, that's a different issue. But is there actually any evidence to support that?
To use a bit of a cliche...don't make this about you! Enjoy the party and your friend's happy event.

No. Bad idea. The friend doesn't want to talk about it, so I think the OP should leave the subject well alone.

Family only, I'd have no problem with that. I just don't think that's the case here, why be so tight lipped?

Ignore the other friends for one thing. They're shit stirring without knowing the full facts either.

Sounds like a big change of plan not related to you- family stress or financial maybe or she just doesn't want the big wedding anymore. Try not to take things personally.

I would be hurt to be excluded if numerous other friends were there but fine if just family so give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it's just family for now. Don't ask about the wedding. Doesn't sound like she current wants to talk about it for whatever reason. I imagine things will become clear but maybe not yet. In a few weeks you could ask very generally how things are with the wedding.

There were no vows at either of my register office ceremonies. Unless you class "I call upon these persons present to witness that I Vicky Eadie take you (insert relevant name) as my lawfully wedded husband".

The second do was a civil partnership and the registrar had written some beautiful words but there was no 'vowing' involved.

She's supposedly not just one of 20 odd friends, though. And her mate is being sketchy about who is and isn't invited on the day so it's not a case of 'family only'.

As I said, it's up to the bride who she invites but it's up to OP if she attends.

I wouldn't be.

It’s not talking about. It’s offering help should she need it. If you are pleasant in your approach- just throwing it out there and leave it at that then there is no need for her friend to be upset. I think her friend is getting agitated because there is more to it than meets the eye hence why simply offering help and leaving it at that might be nice. The truth will out as they say.

And doesn't want you to show interest. Leave her alone!