Being called Mrs *-*

[LorlieS]

I'm married and a Ms My Last Name - His Last Name (hubby also double-barrelled when we married).
So why do so many people insist on addressing me as a Mrs?! AIBU to be annoyed by this?

But isn’t the answer obvious? There aren’t any rules, so clearly people will just do what they like.

It gets asked with alarming regularity on here.

Wow! Yes you’re correct and it’s astounding that we just go through life accepting this as ‘norm’… then the comment after yours is someone suggesting the Ms title is ‘silly’ and it’s strange not to want to be a ‘Mrs’ once married.
Yes it’s sad and although I took on Mrs as a title and will likely keep it after divorce I will definitely bring my DD up not be anyone’s property!

@Growlybear83 "Im genuinely interested to know what happens when two people with double barrelled surnames marry - do they end up with a quad barrelled name?"

You may not know this, but this is a regular "gotcha" produced by people who are convinced that the "traditional" ways are the only ways. Which is why I can be a little irritating. The answer is, of course, whatever they want to do. Including, I suppose, quadruple names! My own hyphenated children intend (so far) to keep their own names. But they could drop half the hyphen and add a new bit. Make up a whole new family name. The world is their lovsrer.

It's clearly something that has passed me by in my time on Mumsnet because it's not a question I've seen asked before. the many references in this thread to double barrelled surnames made we wonder what people do, and whether there was a convention that some people followed or if people all just did their own thing. I asked a question in a non goady way, but some of the previous responses to that have been quite snippy. I don't know anyone with a double barrelled surname and so had no-one I could ask. As I've said more than once in response to the very first post, I think it's extremely rude for anyone to get someone's name wrong (deliberately or mistakenly) once they know how someone wishes to be addressed. I feel strongly about the title I use but would never attempt to impose my views on anyone else and respect everyone's right to use whatever title they wish. By the same token, I expect the same respect to be afforded to me.

Sorry, I presumed you were one of the ‘ha- bet you never thought of that! Your grandchildren will be FORCED to have 6 surnames because of your silliness!’ people.

We have a double barreled name because

1. I wanted to keep my name because I like it, it’s unusual and it identifies me as one of a large family locally (we are the only family with this name in the area).

2. neither of us wanted to be mrs my surname only because that’s my mum

3. we wanted to have the same name

DS can do what he likes when he grows up, he doesn’t have an opinion either way at the moment.

@CurlewKate You may not know this, but this is a regular "gotcha" produced by people who are convinced that the "traditional" ways are the only ways

Another one I’ve come across is the idea that double-barrelled names are cruel to children because they’ll have three names to learn to write rather than two. My kids can’t be alone in being better able to write their three names than some of their adult relatives seem to be…

Mine also manages with (shock horror) his 2 middle names.

Oh and another one: “if you can’t agree on one surname then maybe you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place”…

My dad forgot which names they had chosen for my sister and so gave her 4 names plus surname. It doesn’t fit on passport forms. She managed. 😂

Another point about hyphenated names (I don't say double barrelled because that was a term invented as a piss take!) is that people always have a choice. We always told our hyphenated children that if they wanted drop one for daily use at any point they were completely free to do so.

I got into a really frustrating argument on Twitter once with someone who said double-barrelled names were “self-indulgent” because surnames were all about protecting a legacy and double-barrelled names only ever worked for one generation. I pointed out that in his ideal system (women just take their husband’s name) only the man’s “legacy” apparently mattered, and that if they had girls, their surname only existed for a generation too. He said he didn’t respect anyone who was “finicky” about surnames enough to bother arguing with them.

There’s a lot of talk on this thread about raising our daughters not to take this sort of nonsense - and rightly so! - but I really hope people are also raising their sons not to dish it out.

I've found this which suggests that Mrs was a form of Mistress - a respectful title rather than male property
https://www.etymonline.com/word/Mrs.

I was reminded of this thread earlier when I received a package from my oldest friend addressed to “ZebraDanios, Esquire” 😁

Yes, Mrs never signified "Mr's". I guess that's a modern-day rationalisation.

But regardless, Mrs still denotes marital status in a way that Mr does not. No thanks.

That's absolutely fine. I think that we should be allowed to choose - and I certainly went by "Ms [Maiden Name] for a while."

I now find myself feeling upset when people call me "Miss" or "Ms" because it feels like people expunging my marriage. I don't complain about it. In the scheme of things, it doesn't matter, but it gives me a twinge. Partly that's because my husband's adult kids started to refer to my husband of 24 years as my "partner" after his funeral and I found myself being treated like some kind of junior wife.

Their mother had been with her fourth man for less than a year by then, but after my husband died they stopped referring to the new chap as their mother's "friend" and began calling him "partner". I was also told how "devastated" their mother had been by my husband's death. *

Any time someone calls me "Miss" or "Ms", I feel somewhat erased. That's entirely my problem and I totally understand your point.

*Paradoxically, the tradition in many parts of Scotland is that gravestones have a surviving wife's maiden name inscribed and that's what I have on my husband's memorial: "Beloved husband of [Weary AuldWumman]." Many folk just put the wife's forename on the memorial these days.

Just let them know it's Ms.

I like being Mrs- gay people fought for a long time to be able to marry, I want everyone to know!

@Notlikeamother Does this not apply to gay men, too?

People do make assumptions about things because otherwise communication would be a real slog. Like they are also assuming you are a woman clearly but perhaps you would rather they ask if you actually are a woman first?

@DonnaBanana Clearly I'm a woman. But not clearly a married one? Or not.

I’ve never met one who wants to go by Mrs, no.

@Notlikeamother So you're saying you want to be known as "Mrs" to show you're married? But men don't reflect that in their titles, do they? Gay or otherwise.
And the title "Mrs" obviously doesn't disclose your sexuality so not quite sure of your comments re this?

Nope. Poor men 🤷‍♀️