Being called Mrs *-*

[LorlieS]

I'm married and a Ms My Last Name - His Last Name (hubby also double-barrelled when we married).
So why do so many people insist on addressing me as a Mrs?! AIBU to be annoyed by this?

Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean they’re doing anything wrong. These people aren’t referring to you as a frog, instead of a human. Or calling you Jemima when your name is Alice. You ARE a married woman and therefore they use the word that has been used for many many years to refer to a married woman. It’s factual.

Would you say the same to someone that called someone Mr or Mrs, when they choose to use their professional title, like Doctor, Reverend or Professor? 'you are a man/married woman, it's factual'?

I don't think they do? Maybe just in my own circles, but I don't know anyone who uses Mrs!

I was about to say neither do I - but actually, whilst I suspect none of my friends or colleagues would choose to be Mrs, I’ve no idea. The OP works in a school so it’s something she contends with every day; but does anybody else actually address anybody else by their title? On the rare occasions I send anything in the post it’s just first names and surnames, and I can’t think of another instance in which I’d need to know or use a friend’s honorific.

As I understand it, Mrs means “wife of” so it’s only correct to use the title Mrs if you take your husband’s surname. I didn’t so I can’t call myself Mrs Mylastname: she would be the wife of my dad or my brother.

I guess it’s more complicated with double-barrelled surnames - if you both do it, then calling yourself Mrs X-Y isn’t wrong, but OP cannot call herself Mrs X-Y correctly unless that’s also her husband’s surname.

(I am a teacher, incidentally, and when pupils who don’t know me ask whether I am Miss or Mrs, I tell them they can call me Lady, Admiral
or Right Honourable for all I care. But it does really irk me when people who know me call me (or our kids, who are double-barrelled) by DH’s surname, especially when they’ve been gently corrected a few times…)

I love Admiral and Right Honourable 😁

If only real life was like this Mumsnet thread, so we could have a kind of roster of everyone who cares about this stuff so we could avoid

Why would you assume that’s mind blowing for me? Spoiler - it’s not!

Thank you.

I think the point being made here is that you don't need all that to be a teacher but you do to be a doctor etc

@ZebraDanios I'm not a Mrs.

@RampantIvy Both of my earnings and earning capacity far outstrip those of my husband's so this isn't true in our circumstance.

I have to agree that English titles for women are very misogynistic. In other languages, all women over a certain age are Madame, Frau, Signora etc, irrespective of marital status and it really annoys me that English isn’t the same. Having said that, people are used to using Miss or Mrs and I think you need to accept they’re not going to remember to call you Ms - they don’t mean to be rude, it’s just what comes naturally.

@Devonshiregal My marital status is exactly none of their business; they are making an assumption.

I never said you were (I did read your original post!) - I was countering the poster who said Mrs was the correct title for a married woman, as it’s incorrect to call someone Mrs Anysurnameexceptthatofherhusband.

this

Are they making a correct assumption about your marital status because you wear the hallmarks of being married? A name change, a ring?

And people make assumptions about my race all the time.

I’m ok with it.

Because frankly it’s too exhausting, too excluding, too much of a “how dare you assume” position for me.

I prefer to make friendships, gently correct, explain why I believe and feel the way I do about my mixed race.

I am not waiting to point out people’s ‘ignorance’ of race. I’m there to surprise them with a different view, if and when they do make assumptions.

Could you try doing the same @LorlieS ? Could you actually try and assume that people don’t have bad intent, they’re not all “ignorant”, and that a little bit of friendly explaining and advocating your position, goes a long long way?

Although I don’t know why I wrote any of this , because @LorlieS throughout this thread has taken up the position of professional victim.

Wait for someone to make the mistake, seethe, rail at the injustice of it all, make threads on Mumsnet.

This is fascinating! I had no idea about any of it. Love finding out stuff like this. Thank you.

OP, I do fear you’re fighting a losing battle, although that’s not to say you shouldn’t keep fighting it… When I was teaching (many moons ago now), we had a staff list, with photos, on display. ALL female staff were listed as Ms. (Without exception, and we weren’t given a choice; I’ve used Ms for as long as I can remember learning of its existence, so I was very happy with this. Not sure what some of the others made of it though…) Despite this, I was invariably MISSSS to the kids and Mrs to (most) of the parents. I do think teaching’s a tricky one. In most cases, I’d be quite annoyed if someone repeatedly got it wrong, but as a teacher, you have to remain professional; I doubt they’re doing it deliberately so can you remind yourself it’s their prejudices (that’s not really the right word, but I can’t think of the correct one!) showing and let it go?

Being Miss/Ms/Mrs doesn’t define me so I really don’t care which firm of title anyone uses. As for assumptions, people make all sorts of assumptions all the time, every day. I can’t be bothered to be upset or offended by them. Life is too short & there are far more important battles to be fought.

That’s harsh. I’m a Ms. Does that mean you’d avoid me? I wouldn’t avoid someone just because we think differently on certain things. (I mean, I might if we thought differently about everything but I think it’s actually quite good to have friends who think differently sometimes. Stops us all living in a complete echo chamber.)

I strongly agree with you @LorlieS and will admit I have a right bee in my bonnet about why men's titles give no indication of their marital status yet women's do 😡Surely if men and women are to be treated equal then this should've been the first thing to change? Why can't we just have Mr for men and Ms for women? Why don't men also have equivalent titles depending on their marital status to make things fair? Fuck tradition 😡

(Told you I have a bee in my bonnet about this 😆)

Only in conversation though surely, not officially? I know it’s common for female teachers to be referred to as ‘Miss’ in the classroom, but surely on timetables etc. you are Mrs/Ms/Miss/Dr Longma? So the students and parents should know your actual title and use it in writing or if they’re talking about you to someone else.

So “Miss I’ve forgotten my homework again!” but “Mrs Longma gave me a detention because I forgot my homework again.”

I had two female teachers at secondary school who were Ma’am or Madam rather than Miss, which is actually on the same level as ‘Sir’!

I’m really not bothered if I am referred to as Miss/ Mrs /Ms, in fact I am divorced and still trying to decide which I’d rather be known as. If it bugs you in the way that being called “Elizabeth” when I introduce myself as “Liz” then I understand your frustration.
However I really cannot stand this uppity attitude from teachers about being called by title and surname! At work I often attend multi agency meetings where the doctors, police officers, prison officers, probation staff, nurses, social workers etc introduce themselves as John, Jane, Ben, Amy etc and the teachers introduce themselves as Mrs Smith or Mr Brown. It’s very odd.