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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious and scared doesn't cover it.

111 replies

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:05

I go to a community exercise group and the people there (in general) are very nice and friendly (including the class leader who is a very lovely person who makes everyone feel good about themselves).
It is a council funded group that has a safeguarding nominated person who I bravely talked about this to.
Anyway... there is a man in the group who I didn't know but do moreso now because I got chatting to him on the bus there one day. I am trying to get a disability bus pass for my neurological issue and he was reassuring me that I would and it was easier than before we share one disability so he knows how to get a bus pass for this specific one(I have tried in the past and got nowhere.. it's hard to get the bus company to agree and I've now sent more comprehensive evidence along.) After the group finished that time he told me that it was best for me to eat food soon because it isn't good for me (neurological issue that makes me forget and sometimes not want to eat) and that we should chat about and organise getting the bus pass over food. I was a bit hesitant and said that I didn't want to eat and he said just somewhere quick but I said I don't want to eat fast food today so we ended up agreeing to go to Wetherspoons.
We went to Wetherspoons to eat and nothing about the bus ticket was talked about. There was alot of awkward silences because I didn't want to fill them in and wanted him to realise what a tit he was being.
He asked me very direct questions which I was very assertive and clear about (I've had to work on that because I'm a survivor of child sex abuse).
He asked me if I was wearing nice clothes and makeup for him, if I had a boyfriend and if I wanted one.
He asked for my phone number and if I would come back to his place to play some music (he saw my face and was manipulative* *and said 'not like thatttt..'.)
I was very clear and said no to all of those questions because I was absolutely not interested.
I hardly know him and he even made reference to that fat when we were chatting.
Anyway, I ate my meal and left by walking out whilst he had his phone out waiting for my phone number that I'd said no to. 😵
I told the safeguarding person the week after who talked to him about it whilst shielding me and making me feel safe.
He hasn't talked to me or tried to get my attention until we went to the pub on our last day as a group (not a usual occurance).
He tried on and off to get my attention when I was with these nice people by saying my name and I just ignored him and he then doubled his efforts so I blew up.
He told me to calm down when I let rip on to him by telling everyone he won't leave me alone. I then got no response (I think he couldn't comprehend in his misogynistic mind that I couldn't be interested despite the safeguarder having a word).
I was so angry and told everyone in front of me exactly what he'd said that time. He said 'No I didn'ttt!!'.
I ended up telling him 'it's not me.. it's YOU!!'
I'm worried he made me look like a crazy woman. I hate his misogynistic guts.
Ps. I don't know what the safeguarder told him but she made sure that I could leave that time at a separate time to him (that one time).
I hate his guts 😡
Ps. I live in supported housing and when at Wetherspoons he tried to tell me that I should live alone.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 22/03/2024 14:09

It sounds like you did the right thing by talking about this to the safeguarding person. Do you have other people in your life for support too, like family and friends?

Changingplace · 22/03/2024 14:10

I hope you’re ok, he should take no for an answer and you don’t owe him anything.

Original poster
AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:17

Do you know what's worse???
I get this crap when I'm walking on the street ALOT.
I dare say no to them and they don't like it.
I think it's because I wear tight clothes and have a large bum and probably show vulnerability that I'm not generally aware of.
I have been threatened with RAPE in broad daylight and shitty comments like asking if I go to the gym.
My male friend who is someone I talk about this alot says that social media influencers that tell men to not take no for an answer. He's not advocating their behaviour by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:18

I would love to smash some jaws btw, but I am a very small woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:23

Yes @comedycentral I do thanks for asking xxx

OP posts:
Holidaytime2024 · 22/03/2024 14:25

I feel you've massively overreacted. You could have said no to going to Whetherspoons. He obviously likes you but that's not a crime. You've had history of other people doing things and it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions because of this. I think you've been a bit harsh with him really.

EmilyTjP · 22/03/2024 14:26

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:18

I would love to smash some jaws btw, but I am a very small woman.

This isn’t a normal reaction.

EmilyTjP · 22/03/2024 14:28

Holidaytime2024 · 22/03/2024 14:25

I feel you've massively overreacted. You could have said no to going to Whetherspoons. He obviously likes you but that's not a crime. You've had history of other people doing things and it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions because of this. I think you've been a bit harsh with him really.

I agree.

I think because of your history you are massively overreacting.
People are allowed to make conversation. You’ve said no so that should be it and he shouldn’t hassle you.
But to imply people shouldn’t ask any questions of you isn’t normal.

rumred · 22/03/2024 14:30

He wouldn't take no for an answer, he ignored/discounted what you said. He is the problem. Many men think they have a divine right to your attention. I'm sorry it upset you so much but sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back

DDivaStar · 22/03/2024 14:32

Unfortunately you seem to be giving mixed signals.

You chatted on the bus
Shared health info
Went for food

Then 'blew up' when he tried to talk to you.

Its not clear if either you or the safeguarded have actually asked him to leave you alone.

Original poster
AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:33

I in no way flirted with him. I thought we were going to talk about a bus pass.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 22/03/2024 14:34

I think you handled it correctly and can see why you blew up. Now everyone there knows your boundaries.

He was told to leave you alone. Instead of backing off, he tried again. He can’t complain.

I would say it’s not surprising he has pushed back and that he is allowed to defend himself in public. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have spoken up.

So it’s ok for you to complain and it’s ok for him to defend himself. I’d let it lie now.

Original poster
AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:35

I would have thought that the safeguarder would have told him to leave me alone or similar.

OP posts:
Holidaytime2024 · 22/03/2024 14:38

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:33

I in no way flirted with him. I thought we were going to talk about a bus pass.

Nobody said you did. Do you read too much into things normally? This is a 'you' problem I feel and nothing about him.

Dinoswearunderpants · 22/03/2024 14:41

This is all very odd behaviour, for both you and him.

Sounds like you need some serious assistance. All the best.

KreedKafer · 22/03/2024 14:42

Holidaytime2024 · 22/03/2024 14:25

I feel you've massively overreacted. You could have said no to going to Whetherspoons. He obviously likes you but that's not a crime. You've had history of other people doing things and it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions because of this. I think you've been a bit harsh with him really.

She went to Wetherspoon's because he said he would help the OP with her bus pass application. He then did not do that at all, and started asking her if she was trying to look nice for him and did he want a boyfriend.

She said a clear 'no' and then asked her to go back to his, and pushed her for her number, and refused to take no for an answer. She was bothered by this and walked out of the pub because she was uncomfortable.

This isn't the behaviour of someone who 'just likes you' and is 'just asking questions'. It's someone who gets you to the pub under false pretences and persists in pestering you long after you've repeatedly made it clear you're not interested.

And did you miss the part where the safeguarding lead at the club had a word with the man, told him that the OP wasn't interested and asked him to leave the OP alone? But he didn't. He then started trying to get her attention by calling her name at her over and over again when she was chatting to other people.

None of that is OK. I don't have any past issues like the OP does, and I would think this man was a fucking creep.

catmomma67 · 22/03/2024 14:43

Im getting mixed messages from this. It is not a crime for someone to like you and try to get to know you. from what i have read, this is all the man has done, apart from trying to get your attention.

Im not sure what you expected of the 'safeguarder'. they may have spoken to the person and told them their advances were not welcome, but the actions hardly warrant a telling off or a removing from the club/group.

i do think you have over-reacted, and i do wonder if you yourself have also mis-read the situation because of past experiences.

Clarinet1 · 22/03/2024 14:44

I can understand that you may react more strongly to this attention because of your history but it does sound to me as though this guy is being over-persistent. I would continue to give him a wide berth and, if he gives you any more trouble, speak to the safeguarding person again.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 22/03/2024 14:45

You said things like this happen to you a lot in the street. Really or are you just misunderstanding situations?

hedgehoglurker · 22/03/2024 14:45

If you agreed to go for a meal with him, to discuss the bus pass, but despite lots of awkward silences, you never brought up the bus pass, do you think he got the wrong idea and thought it was a date?

KreedKafer · 22/03/2024 14:46

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:35

I would have thought that the safeguarder would have told him to leave me alone or similar.

I thought you said the safeguarder did do that? Or do you actually not know if they spoke to him at all? If they didn't speak to him, then that puts a different slant on his behaviour at the event.

I do still think he sounds like a creep, but you also need to be clear on what was or wasn't said to him by the safeguarder.

pikkumyy77 · 22/03/2024 14:50

I think its obvious that OP is a vulnerable adult, with a trauma history, living in supportive housing because of some level of disability. She is therefore quite right to be careful of potential predators and from her description this man targeted her in a very predatory snd concerning manner.

Please don’t criticize her for giving “mixed signals”—it is quite hard to figure out where the line is with predators who start small and then start pushing boundaries.

WarshipRocinante · 22/03/2024 14:50

Your behaviour is very odd. Do you have someone you can speak to as you are clearly vulnerable and maybe need a little bit more help.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/03/2024 14:50

nothing about the bus ticket was talked about. There was alot of awkward silences because I didn't want to fill them in and wanted him to realise what a tit he was being

Why didn't you talk about the bus ticket instead of having this unlikely fantasy that he'd realise he was a tit? He's too much but you've behaved strangely yourself and I don't know how much this amounts to a safeguarding issue unless your disability makes you particularly vulnerable and unable to tell someone you don't want to go to Wetherspoons with them.

SlowlyLurking · 22/03/2024 14:51

OP, I don't think he's done anything wrong here. You walked out of the pub when he asked for your number and you didn't want to give it giving a harsh boundary. He has not tried to contact you since. The safe guarder has spoken about unwanted advances to him and maybe at the pub he was trying to get your attention to apologise to you. The safeguarder wouldn't have kicked him out of the club or told him to never speak to you again so I don't really understand why you blew up.

It's fine for you to have boundaries but I think there's mixed signals here. He was inappropriate, you let him know that and you didn't bring up the bus pass either.