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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Furious and scared doesn't cover it.

111 replies

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:05

I go to a community exercise group and the people there (in general) are very nice and friendly (including the class leader who is a very lovely person who makes everyone feel good about themselves).
It is a council funded group that has a safeguarding nominated person who I bravely talked about this to.
Anyway... there is a man in the group who I didn't know but do moreso now because I got chatting to him on the bus there one day. I am trying to get a disability bus pass for my neurological issue and he was reassuring me that I would and it was easier than before we share one disability so he knows how to get a bus pass for this specific one(I have tried in the past and got nowhere.. it's hard to get the bus company to agree and I've now sent more comprehensive evidence along.) After the group finished that time he told me that it was best for me to eat food soon because it isn't good for me (neurological issue that makes me forget and sometimes not want to eat) and that we should chat about and organise getting the bus pass over food. I was a bit hesitant and said that I didn't want to eat and he said just somewhere quick but I said I don't want to eat fast food today so we ended up agreeing to go to Wetherspoons.
We went to Wetherspoons to eat and nothing about the bus ticket was talked about. There was alot of awkward silences because I didn't want to fill them in and wanted him to realise what a tit he was being.
He asked me very direct questions which I was very assertive and clear about (I've had to work on that because I'm a survivor of child sex abuse).
He asked me if I was wearing nice clothes and makeup for him, if I had a boyfriend and if I wanted one.
He asked for my phone number and if I would come back to his place to play some music (he saw my face and was manipulative* *and said 'not like thatttt..'.)
I was very clear and said no to all of those questions because I was absolutely not interested.
I hardly know him and he even made reference to that fat when we were chatting.
Anyway, I ate my meal and left by walking out whilst he had his phone out waiting for my phone number that I'd said no to. 😵
I told the safeguarding person the week after who talked to him about it whilst shielding me and making me feel safe.
He hasn't talked to me or tried to get my attention until we went to the pub on our last day as a group (not a usual occurance).
He tried on and off to get my attention when I was with these nice people by saying my name and I just ignored him and he then doubled his efforts so I blew up.
He told me to calm down when I let rip on to him by telling everyone he won't leave me alone. I then got no response (I think he couldn't comprehend in his misogynistic mind that I couldn't be interested despite the safeguarder having a word).
I was so angry and told everyone in front of me exactly what he'd said that time. He said 'No I didn'ttt!!'.
I ended up telling him 'it's not me.. it's YOU!!'
I'm worried he made me look like a crazy woman. I hate his misogynistic guts.
Ps. I don't know what the safeguarder told him but she made sure that I could leave that time at a separate time to him (that one time).
I hate his guts 😡
Ps. I live in supported housing and when at Wetherspoons he tried to tell me that I should live alone.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 22/03/2024 16:08

Holidaytime2024 · 22/03/2024 14:25

I feel you've massively overreacted. You could have said no to going to Whetherspoons. He obviously likes you but that's not a crime. You've had history of other people doing things and it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions because of this. I think you've been a bit harsh with him really.

This.

"Furious and scared" is a massive over reaction.
In truth, talking to the safeguarding officer would seem to be an overreaction.

As others have suggested, it is possible you over react to situations because of your past history, and I can understand why that would happen.

Potentially you, or him, or maybe both of you struggle a little with reading social situations (you have mentioned neurological conditions), but you have behaved very poorly here and potentially embarrassed yourself and also him.

He didn't "make you look like a crazy woman". You did that yourself.
I feel he is the one who has been mistreated here.

Cherry8809 · 22/03/2024 16:09

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:18

I would love to smash some jaws btw, but I am a very small woman.

What a fucking weird thing to say.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/03/2024 16:11

pikkumyy77 · 22/03/2024 14:50

I think its obvious that OP is a vulnerable adult, with a trauma history, living in supportive housing because of some level of disability. She is therefore quite right to be careful of potential predators and from her description this man targeted her in a very predatory snd concerning manner.

Please don’t criticize her for giving “mixed signals”—it is quite hard to figure out where the line is with predators who start small and then start pushing boundaries.

This

The only thing OP did "wrong" was go to a Weatherspoons - after extreme persistence from him - thinking he was going to help her. It was then on HIM to bring the bus pass up.

MrsJellybee · 22/03/2024 16:13

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/03/2024 15:28

"Furious and scared doesn't cover it" is an extreme reaction OP, especially when you go on to describe what is essentially being chatted up.

"a safeguarding nominated person who I bravely talked about this to" 🎖️

I know others have agreed that this man is obviously a dangerous criminal, but I think you come across, through your own words, as slightly unhinged.

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for this comment towards a vulnerable person.

Op, you have made it quite clear you aren’t interested in this man. Good for you. Is there anyone you can speak to privately in person about your anger over this? You have a right to feel angry, but might need help in how to process and release it. I wish you all the best.

pizzaHeart · 22/03/2024 16:13

Your local council usually issues disabled bus passes. Call them or just pop in. They will have forms and explain about supporting documents.

Maddy70 · 22/03/2024 16:13

He asked you for lunch. You accepted ... he clearly fancies you. You have rejected him all done.

Why is this a safeguarding issue?

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2024 16:15

Maddy70 · 22/03/2024 16:13

He asked you for lunch. You accepted ... he clearly fancies you. You have rejected him all done.

Why is this a safeguarding issue?

I go to a community exercise group and the people there (in general) are very nice and friendly (including the class leader who is a very lovely person who makes everyone feel good about themselves).
It is a council funded group that has a safeguarding nominated person who I bravely talked about this to.

I think this first paragraph explains a lot

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/03/2024 16:16

I think coercing her to go to lunch under the guise of helping her, and then trying to chat her up, even if he is a vulnerable adult himself, could be considered maybe not a safeguarding issue but definitely something a safeguarding professional with responsibility for the group, would want to know about to nip in the bud

therealcookiemonster · 22/03/2024 16:17

LunaMay · 22/03/2024 15:50

Why is he a predator and not just misunderstanding and misreading signals due to his own disability? It goes both ways, yes?

exactly this
while I sympathise with OP, I think she needs help to address her trauma as that can lead to even normal social interactions being triggering

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/03/2024 16:18

I used to help run a community group for adults with visual impairments and this is something I would absolutely mention to the supervisor if I got wind

Firecarrier · 22/03/2024 16:19

Without us being there nobody can really say whether he was really unreasonable - flirtatious yes - but does he have a learning difficulty or condition which means he struggles?

It sounded massively over the top and abusive of you to enbarass him when you admitted he hasn't even spoken to you for ages, and this was in a public place so what do you think he might do?

Im very sorry for your trauma but you sound incredibly angry over very little - so yes, in this instance I would say you were unreasonable.

I would be interested to know what everyone's reaction was to your outburst in the pub.

IggOrEgg · 22/03/2024 16:21

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:18

I would love to smash some jaws btw, but I am a very small woman.

This and your post about your ‘large bum’, are very strange comments indeed.
To be honest, I feel like this is all rather dramatic all round.

betterangels · 22/03/2024 16:21

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 22/03/2024 15:55

This especially with the anger levels re wanting to smash people's jaws.

Yes, that's not normal.

TeabySea · 22/03/2024 16:22

catmomma67 · 22/03/2024 14:43

Im getting mixed messages from this. It is not a crime for someone to like you and try to get to know you. from what i have read, this is all the man has done, apart from trying to get your attention.

Im not sure what you expected of the 'safeguarder'. they may have spoken to the person and told them their advances were not welcome, but the actions hardly warrant a telling off or a removing from the club/group.

i do think you have over-reacted, and i do wonder if you yourself have also mis-read the situation because of past experiences.

I see no mixed messages.
He told OP he'd discuss the bus pass issue with her, and suggested they do so over food. That's why she went. To discuss the bus pass.
Then he started asking her if she'd dressed up for him and if she had a boyfriend. Nothing to do with the bus pass.
He asked her to go back to his place. She said no. He tried to get her number. She said no.

I think OP has been perfectly clear.

IncompleteSenten · 22/03/2024 16:27

Is he also a vulnerable adult who lives in supported accomodation?

Hopefully you won't see him again now the group is finished but you should talk to your support worker and make sure that you aren't put in this situation again. Also they should liaise with his support worker because he may need to be talked to in more detail.

F1ymetothetoon · 22/03/2024 16:30

AngryLikeHades · 22/03/2024 14:18

I would love to smash some jaws btw, but I am a very small woman.

Fucking hell Scary Mary 😲

kitsuneghost · 22/03/2024 16:30

So man invites you to pub. You go and he tries to flirt with you
And your thought is straight to safeguarding

I think this is all a bit dramatic
How do you normally meet boyfriends / partners if asking for a phone number gets you reported and further flirting causes so much rage.

PossumintheHouse · 22/03/2024 16:32

I think there's been a massive case of miscommunication between you both, and an overreaction from yourself.

You mention that you both have the same neurological issue. Is it possible that this man has misinterpreted that you might like him as more than just a friend, hence inviting you to Wetherspoons to talk about things other than the bus pass?

You don't feel the same way about him and you've rightfully set some boundaries, but it sounds like he hasn't quite fully understood the signs. In the nicest way, you might have over-reacted and displayed a bit of extreme behaviour.

Sorry OP, but from what you've described, it seems a bit much for you to say you 'hate his guts' and the 'want to smash some jaws' is uncalled for.

mydamnfootstuckinthedoor · 22/03/2024 16:37

I think you have massively over-reacted by reporting him for - what? Trying to get your attention in a group situation? You agreed to go to Wetherspoons with him. Then you left when he asked for your number after you'd already declined to give it. So far, fair enough. He doesn't bother you again until you are all out in a group, at which time you ignore him when he tries to get your attention. Then you "blew up"? Because he tried to get your attention? Then you report him as a safeguarding that? It does sound as if you have some issues that need to be addressed.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/03/2024 16:37

Honestly, this happens to loads of women all the time. I dropped out of a hobby group I really enjoyed because the tutor was becoming a pest. I don't think you're being unreasonable and I wish I'd had the guts to call him out in public the way you did with this guy.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/03/2024 16:40

You also gave him too much info and too much time. When sitting and eating with him why finish the meal? Why not walk out? Why did you go at all since he was pestering you and you already felt uncomfortable?
Regardless, you were pushed to the limit and blew. He sounds like an idiot to say the least. You don't owe any pleasantries.

Turfwars · 22/03/2024 16:43

Maybe you over reacted or have gotten overly annoyed at his persistence but honestly he had it coming.

It was only when I reached the invisibility of middle age that I realised I'd been batting off unwanted shit like this for decades. When I joined a business class. When I joined a gym. Waiting for a fucking bus. Doing the family grocery shop. Fucking creeps everywhere hitting up on women just going about their daily business insinuating that they do stuff especially to get hit on. Incessant, like a distant fire alarm that has gone on so long you tune it out and only realise the relief when it's stopped.

There are some that deliberately hone in on a clearly vulnerable woman and do their Nice Guy shit. This guy was one of them and they are often very quick to be nasty to women who turn them down, nicely or not. It's probably not the first time he's creeped on a new joiner to the group. So I can't get too butt hurt about a creep who got an over-reaction and got yelled at. It's probably long overdue. And if it isn't, then he can take it as a lesson on how to observe and respect a woman's boundaries and signals and behave accordingly.

Turfwars · 22/03/2024 16:46

F1ymetothetoon · 22/03/2024 16:30

Fucking hell Scary Mary 😲

Pfft... many men demonstrate the same energy and often far worse towards a woman for just existing.

Itsonlymashadow · 22/03/2024 16:46

What did you actually report him for?

You chatted on the bus, he invited you for food and you accepted, you didn’t enjoy being out with him and found him unappealing, he asked for your number and you said no and left.

Up until that point he sounds like a person you don’t want to spend time with. But you reported him to the safeguard lead, but we don’t know if he had been told he must leave you alone. So he was trying to get his the attention of a friend (as he sees it). And you ‘let rip’:

I suspect there some learning difficulties involved here, which makes it more likely he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable at all. And may account for your response. Both behaviours are concerning.

But it sounds like you are trying to get him removed from this group. Which, if he has learning disabilities, could be hugely detrimental.

Corksoles · 22/03/2024 16:47

You did great. I can't believe all the men-pleasing responses. She should have not gone to the pub? Are you kidding? Women have to hide at home lest any man gets a flash of her ankles and thinks she's in love with him? No, it's not on us to avoid social situations, or simper politely when men interrupt.