DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

Did you pay him maintenance when he became the primary carer?

I did at first, he then told me it was fine, he could support her and that I could keep it, so I djd.

@Longstorylittle how old was she when you stopped making payments?

I don't remember exactly maybe 12 or 13. Obviously I'd have happily continued to pay if he'd wanted it.

OP, I know a man who had an unplanned baby with a lady. He has never officially paid maintenance by private agreement, because he has provided for their housing / paid his share of her expenses / been an active father.

The mother got a decent deal, and he preferred not officially paying child maintenance.

Not sure if this is similar for you, why he didn’t pay maintenance for the first few years.

You are still getting a good deal if you haven’t had to pay him any maintenance for your daughter age 10 onwards.

@Longstorylittle so your daughter was 10/11 when you sent her to live with her dad because of the new baby. A year or two later you stopped making payments for her maintenance, and you wonder why your relationship is like this? You have no right to tell her what to do

I went to uni 40 years ago, and really enjoyed it, as well.as getting my degree.
But.... my only regret in life is that I didn't travel when I was young. I didn't have the funds or the confidence, and my parents would have squashed any such idea. It was head down, get your A levels, degree, good job, mortgage and ever onwards to.... well, death. If I could just have travelled for even a year, I would have learnt so much, developed skills and confidence. This young woman is, admittedly, fortunate but why would you want to stop her? If she ditches the idea of uni, so be it. If she wants to settle down in Thailand, so be it. As long as she can support herself and is happy, then it's all her choice.

YABU
Your ex can't control her spending anyway - your daughter will have had full access to her JISA/CTF from the moment she turned 18

TBH, it's her (dads) money anyway. Plus it sounds like although it's not something you'd chose, she's doing it fairly sensibly and has a decent head on her shoulders.

I'd also kindly say that, having been the non-resident parent for the past 8 years, your opinion is (to her at least) not worth all that much. You said yourself that the relationship is fraught.

I'd say that, all things considered, a fairly hands-off opinion would probably serve you best here. And if she's actually got a history of being fairly sensible, she'll come back to reality in due course.

So during her entire teenage years, she only stayed at your house for a few of weeks a year in the holidays? No overnights during term time at all? Not even at the weekend? Did you see her at all during term time?

@Pookerrod

No she lived several hours away, her dad refused to bring her to me on weekends and I can't drive, had my other kids to think about.

When she lived with me he would come and get her every weekend so clearly it was just what suited him.

The common theme across your replies is that you prioritised your other children. Clearly you never saw her in the same light, due to her dad. Just stay out of it

It's pretty clear your younger children took priority over your daughter - it's a common theme of your posts.

I think you keep trying to blame her father. It’s not his job to bring her to see you. You can learn to drive, and you are prioritising your other children again. It’s good that he came to see her every weekend, it means he wanted to see her as much as he could.

Your daughter will pick up that her father tried to see her as much as possible, and prioritised her, while her mother let her go, and replaced her.

OP, sorry if this is hard for you, but do you think this is how your daughter sees it?
Do you feel you have done right by her?

That sounds very sad and must have been very difficult for you. Her too probably.

Do you think your feelings now about her travelling are more a symptom of feeling so disconnected to her over the years and it’s just now all come to a head? And you’re realising that you don’t really know her any more? Time flies and before you know it, the kids are grown.

So much time has passed and you’ve not been there for her formative years when a girl really needs her mum. I imagine that there are strong feelings on both sides for you and your daughter.

But if you do want a closer relationship with her then I’d just support her and be excited for her adventures. Send her little messages regularly, ask for photos of the view out of her window every now and again. And work on building your relationship when she returns.

I'm not surprised she's 'too busy' to talk to you.

Jesus Christ.

Not uncalled for.

She wouldn't even take her DD to tennis because of this new replacement family.

Her DD is the only one to suffer here.

it's screaming out of sight out of mind.

Perhaps the OP is miffed because she's not contributing to her DDs success.

Awful behaviour from a parent.

Reading your replies it’s very clear why your DD wants nothing to do with you.

Leave her alone to live her life with a dad who made the effort.

This has got to be a windup now.

Other kids to think about!? SHE IS YOUR KID.

You sound horrid. I'm glad she has her dad.
I think her version of events will be very different to yours.

Youve abandoned her. You reap what you sow.

Probably with giving an 18yr old half a million pound is they lose motivation for life; why work hard at Uni to earn decent money when your trust fund will buy your house. In her shoes I’d be doing the same for sure

The best thing you did for your daughter is you chose a good man to be her father. Lucky also that they have so much family money and no other children.

She wants to go to uni and be a physio though? It just doesn't fit OP's ideal

And when your DD went to live with her Dad, you only had one other child. Surely, you could have visited her some weekends - your DH could have driven you perhaps.

@Longstorylittle that would have spurred me on to learn to drive in fairness.

I think what she is doing sounds fine and it sounds like her dad is on the ball with supporting her not to waste the money whilst having opportunities.

Even if she spent a hundred thousand of the money, it sounds like she would have around three to four hunderd thousands left , which in many areas of the country is enough to buy a home and have money left over.

Also, Do you have anything saved for her from when you stopped paying maintenance?

I think you are running the risk of completely burning what small relationship you have if you criticise her plans too much.