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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD wants a second gap year

376 replies

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 00:07

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 22/03/2024 15:50

I wonder if you’re resentful because your daughter has financial resources you’re never going to benefit from, and will never be able to provide for your younger children. Is it your own jealousy, and/or jealousy and resentment you anticipate from your younger children in years to come?

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 22/03/2024 15:51

thebestsre · 22/03/2024 15:46

Now this I agree with @penguinbiscuits@lifebeginsaftercoffee
Stunned at PP assuming that everyone has the money to jet off to the other side of the world. But I guess it's the sentiment rather than the practicalities of the action people were picking up on.

OP said she wouldn't be averse if her ex paid. But it's not fair on the family for her to spend family money on visiting her daughter. And as the daughter who moved to the other side of the world myself it's not my parents' responsibility to visit although they do, as they can afford it with my help.

If I wanted mummy here all the time I'd have just stayed home. LOL.

Edited

To me, it's not about the money. I accept not everyone can afford to fly halfway round the world.

But it's the sentiment - the idea that the other DC are too important to leave, along with the fact that she's only called her DD three times in seven months and well...it says a lot about their relationship, IMO.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 22/03/2024 15:52

InterIgnis · 22/03/2024 15:50

I wonder if you’re resentful because your daughter has financial resources you’re never going to benefit from, and will never be able to provide for your younger children. Is it your own jealousy, and/or jealousy and resentment you anticipate from your younger children in years to come?

Well, OP would have had access to the money, if she had stayed with her original husband.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 15:55

Starting uni 2 years after leaving school won't mean she is that much older than others.

Potentially she has another 40 plus years tk work after uni so now is a good time to travel while she doesn't have commitments or responsibilities.

She seems also to be set up financially already so that's a plus.

Good thing she has had this break to decide law is not the thing for her (solicitor myself who qualified as a mature student at 30).

It sounds like she really has her head screwed on and is living life to the full. Good for her.

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 15:55

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

Conveniently we were never married, never let on for the 2 years we were together that he had any money (I paid for nearly everything). Split with me when DD was 4 months. Never paid maintenance always bought things, clothes, food etc. would never just pay maintenance.
DD moved in with him, and he said school holidays only, but then booked lots of holidays for her. So it was really 10 days in the summer holidays and a couple at Easter and October, DD never wanted to come to mine for Christmas.

I've asked DD to call more, she's always too busy or too tired to talk.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 22/03/2024 15:57

Agree she should live life to the full. She can go to uni any time she wants to. And if she chooses not to go, and set herself up in business running a sloth rescue in South America or whatever, as long as she is happy then that is fine.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 22/03/2024 15:58

Also if I'm spending lots of money on a holiday it will be for my husband and kids too, not to go visit DD who decided to leave!

Very clear to see why she stopped living with you aged 10.

Containerhome · 22/03/2024 15:58

10 years ago I would have agreed with you. But the way of the world now. If my kids had those opportunities I would be kicking them out the door to enjoy! Retirement is over 68 now. Do you really want her to start the mundane life of adult hood for the next 50 years when she has the opportunity to wait. She's in a good position. Let her enjoy.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 16:00

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 09:09

I think she wants to do Physiotherapy with the hope of working with a sports team or similar and still being able to travel - that seems unlikely though.

You seem to think very little of her.

My friend's son finished his physio degree 2 years ago and is a physio for a premier league football club.

Another is on placement at Man Utd which is almost like being at a premier league club too 🤣

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 22/03/2024 16:03

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 15:55

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

Conveniently we were never married, never let on for the 2 years we were together that he had any money (I paid for nearly everything). Split with me when DD was 4 months. Never paid maintenance always bought things, clothes, food etc. would never just pay maintenance.
DD moved in with him, and he said school holidays only, but then booked lots of holidays for her. So it was really 10 days in the summer holidays and a couple at Easter and October, DD never wanted to come to mine for Christmas.

I've asked DD to call more, she's always too busy or too tired to talk.

Ah, that sounds difficult.

Your ex sounds extremely good with guarding his money then (by avoiding marrying you and avoiding paying maintenance - though was this because she lived with him?)

It sounds like your daughter will be well taken cared for if she is their only child/grandchild.

On balance I would be grateful for your daughters fortune and leave it to her/her dad to manage. And lucky that the father (of an unintended pregnancy?) turned out to be wealthy.

The power balance has really tipped away from you and unfortunately I don’t think you have much parental authority anymore. I don’t think you have the right to ask questions about your exes money.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 16:04

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 15:55

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

Conveniently we were never married, never let on for the 2 years we were together that he had any money (I paid for nearly everything). Split with me when DD was 4 months. Never paid maintenance always bought things, clothes, food etc. would never just pay maintenance.
DD moved in with him, and he said school holidays only, but then booked lots of holidays for her. So it was really 10 days in the summer holidays and a couple at Easter and October, DD never wanted to come to mine for Christmas.

I've asked DD to call more, she's always too busy or too tired to talk.

Maybe he had experience of women wanting to be with him for his money?

Why didn't you apply for child maintenance like you could have?

The more you post unfortunately it seems you have carried the ill feelings towards your ex into the relationship you have with the daughter you had with him. If your next child is 9 and she went to live with him at the age of 10 this very much smacks of her feeling like you replaced her.

Sunnydays0101 · 22/03/2024 16:06

It sounds like your DD is having a fantastic experience. Even if your DD doesn’t always have time to phone you and I’m sure it’s not always easy with time differences - you could stay in touch with messages/texts.

Why did your DD go live with her Dad term-time ? Does he have a partner/more children ?

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 16:08

Sunnydays0101 · 22/03/2024 16:06

It sounds like your DD is having a fantastic experience. Even if your DD doesn’t always have time to phone you and I’m sure it’s not always easy with time differences - you could stay in touch with messages/texts.

Why did your DD go live with her Dad term-time ? Does he have a partner/more children ?

DD played tennis as a child, when I had my next child it became difficult to take her to competitions.

Equally her dad lived in catchment for a school that consistently ranks among the best state schools, so made sense.

OP posts:
concernedchild · 22/03/2024 16:09

@Longstorylittle so you got married, had a new family, and replaced your daughter.

Brainded · 22/03/2024 16:10

@concernedchild thats harsh and uncalled for.

Containerhome · 22/03/2024 16:10

@Longstorylittle in the kindest possible way. I think you need to rethink how you speak about and think about your daughter. She sounds like a wonderful girl.

Try and be more positive.

concernedchild · 22/03/2024 16:10

Brainded · 22/03/2024 16:10

@concernedchild thats harsh and uncalled for.

No, looking at her replies it's pretty clear that's what happened.

iwafs · 22/03/2024 16:12

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you. He's been able to use money to essentially buy her.

I think that the way forwards for you is to accept that you have no way of influencing this situation at all (the money, the uni, none of it) and instead work on your relationship with her somehow.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 22/03/2024 16:14

OP, I think deep down you feel a bit guilty that you abandoned your oldest daughter and replaced her with a new family. I also think you feel resentful that she has the love and money of your ex, that you never had, and will have a more comfortable future lifestyle than you will have.

I think you are trying to find reasons to dislike your oldest daughter, as it is easier to assign feelings like “bratty irresponsible teenager” than to acknowledge your own shortcomings as a mother, or your own feelings of jealousy towards your own daughter.

Sunnydays0101 · 22/03/2024 16:14

Goodness! You agreed for you 10 year old to go live with her Dad term-time while you had three more children and then let a situation develop where you didn’t insist on enforcing the agreement that your DD was to live with you during holidays.

Bit late to be showing concern for her now.

IggOrEgg · 22/03/2024 16:14

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 22/03/2024 16:14

OP, I think deep down you feel a bit guilty that you abandoned your oldest daughter and replaced her with a new family. I also think you feel resentful that she has the love and money of your ex, that you never had, and will have a more comfortable future lifestyle than you will have.

I think you are trying to find reasons to dislike your oldest daughter, as it is easier to assign feelings like “bratty irresponsible teenager” than to acknowledge your own shortcomings as a mother, or your own feelings of jealousy towards your own daughter.

Very good post imo, worth thinking about.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 22/03/2024 16:17

Better she does it now and has an amazing time rather than have a mid or quarter life crisis and feel she is overly restricted later in life.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 22/03/2024 16:18

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 16:08

DD played tennis as a child, when I had my next child it became difficult to take her to competitions.

Equally her dad lived in catchment for a school that consistently ranks among the best state schools, so made sense.

Do none of your children get to have hobbies now then?

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 16:19

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose

Not that involve 5 training sessions a week + competitions no

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 22/03/2024 16:21

I think some are being a bit harsh.

They keep talking of opportunities that she has and how good it is. She sounds like she is just on an extended holiday with her bf, travelling from place to place, but probably mixing with a bunch of other similarly wealthy English speaking travellers.

I do understand your concern and I think too long out breaks study and work habits,

But I don’t think you have much leverage here, so I would bite my tongue.

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