DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

She could of leant to drive. I would of if my daughter just moved hours away.

Yep, or OP could have taken the train, or the bus, or learnt to drive herself. Or even taken her youngest child with her if needed.

Sounds like she couldn't be arsed, really.

Completely agree with your ex

I am divorced and have a 10 yr old dd. I would swim oceans, walk over hot coals....... to be with her.

She wouldn't be leaving in the first place though.

OP, you really really don't have a right to any input. She doesn't want your input just as you didn't much care that age 10, she left to live hours away from you.

Look closely in the mirror, and not at your dd and her father.

OP, if you really wanted to see your daughter, you would have made it happen. Learn to drive/Train/bus/DH drive as others have suggested. You can bring a baby with you.

When your daughter was <10, you didn’t expect to drive her over to see her father, right? So he shouldn’t have to do the same. The fact that he was willing to drive hours every weekend to see her, when she was little, I’d really admirable.

I wouldn’t expect her to want a daughter-mother relationship with you. You weren’t there for her when she needed you. You could still try for a supportive aunt/friend role though.

She wanted to live with her dad?? How could I stop that? He's just as much her parent as I am and just as entitled to being the resident parent!!

Do you realise how badly you're coming across? This is appalling. I'm surprised the young woman allows you any contact with her at all.

But you could have visited her - just like he did when you were the resident parent.

But you never bothered.

@Longstorylittle but then when she moved away you went months without seeing her! Clearly you think you're right so why are you still arguing it?

Mothers and fathers are not the same.

• Usually children (especially girls) choose to live with their mother, if their parents are separated. She chose to live with her father for a reason, and it suggests he was a better parent to her than you.
• When she was living with you, her father still came to see her EVERY week, at a lot of effort, and maybe all of his spare time outside of work.
• When she was living with her father, you didn’t go to see her, or maintain enough contact with her, to have a relationship, and that was during critical formative years where a girl needs her mother.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

What do you mean mothers and fathers aren't the same ... that's BS!! Both are parents!

I think you're conflating two things:

1. Your poor relationship with your DD, and I see you and her dad as having had equal input to that. It sounds as if he lured her with Disney Dad money vibes, but equally you didn't exactly fight to keep her in your life.

2. What your DD chooses to do with her life. It sounds as if it makes financial sense, she's growing up and seeing the world and when she does settle for a course of learning and work, it will be because it's what she wants. My middle DS went straight to studying law at uni after A levels, hated it, dropped out. He's now working in games testing and design. My cousin did her degree in her mid 20s and didn't stand out at all - and my oldest had several properly mature students on her degree course.

So let it go, let your DD choose to map out her life, stop judging her and maybe you can rebuild the relationship a little.

Both are parents, but children nearly always live with their mother in the case of single parents.

Children tend to only live with their father, for exceptional reasons.

If we’re going along the line of both parents are the same, you’re a deadbeat, that’s what you’d be called as a dad, you didn’t pay, you didn’t fight to get access on weekends, holidays etc.

this isn’t your money and this is a daughter you really haven’t seen that much growing up, this is really not your business at this point in terms of what she does on her gap year.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

There were no exceptional reasons.

He had no other children so was able to devote the time and resources to her that I wasn't.

I'm not a bad mum, not being able to spend hundreds a month on tennis training and getting up at 5am to go to competitions doesn't make me a bad mum, loads of parents can't do that! He was in the minority being able to do that.
He had both his parents at his back supporting him with DD and lived close to one of the best tennis training centres in the country, while also being in catchment for a fantastic school. DD wanted that, she didn't love one of us more than the other.
Equally she's an only child, she was never going to work well with siblings, even to this day she barely recognises them, never asks about them and if asked would say she doesn't have siblings. She is a partially selfish and self centred kid.

If I'd been taking my newborn on 2 trains every weekend to see her I'd have been told I wasn't prioritising my younger children, even then she was competing a lot so I couldn't have seen her anyway.

Equally she's an only child, she was never going to work well with siblings, even to this day she barely recognises them, never asks about them and if asked would say she doesn't have siblings. She is a partially selfish and self centred kid.

Fucking hell. I wonder why!

My dd has a very involved father. Pays for her private school and absolutely everything she needs. She loves being with him.

But it is mummy she lives with and wants to return home to.

If she turned around now and wanted to live with him, there would be a huge reason why.

Uni will still be there when shes 90... how many get the chance to be worldly like this. I can only think your jealous because theres no other reason to think she should be tied down at this age.

My kids won't have the money to do this but I FULLY encourage them to find who THEY are in their teens not waste it on uni and being locked in menial jobs chasing 'promotions'.

I went to uni in my 20s, I spent 3 years traveling the uk (no money to travel further) and than started my family before going to uni. I wouldn't change it for the world and honestly no one even noticed I was older than my 18/19 year old counterparts (people often didn't even believe me because in reality 5 years makes no huge difference) and certainly no one cared.

Seriously, OP? You never went to see her when she was living with her dad and you wonder why she doesn't want a relationship with your new family? I'm beginning to think you cannot be for real. You were not there for you during her teen years - how is it selfish of her to have little interest in you? She owes you nothing.

DD wanting to live with her dad isn't a reflection of my parenting. She was a daddy's girl from day 1, that's ok. My younger DD is also a daddy's girl but both my boys prefer me. It's ok for kids to preference one parent!

Perhaps you are not as you should be towards your daughters.

Absolutely.

But it's not normal for the "other" parent not to bother seeing them for weeks on end, now matter how much want to try and justify it.

'It's been his goal for a decade to damage my relationship with DD!'

Wow this 1000% is the kind of shit my narcissistic deadbeat father says.

Its everyone elses fault he never made time or effort... its because everyone else 'damage his relationship' but the truth is the was no relationship to damage because he simply never bothered to build one.

He is old and alone now and genuinely claims he doesn't know why all the people he walked out on, abandoned and couldn't find time for in life don't care for him.

I agree with you that a child should live with either parent, it shouldn't automatically be they should live with their mum.

I do however think that it is non resident parents responsibility (whether that be mum or dad) to ensure their relationship is maintained with their child, even if this is difficult and I think you massively dropped the ball on this in not making more effort.