DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

Law is a long old slog. Now is the perfect time for her to travel, see the world, grow up a bit, have fun.

She’ll be spending very little in Asia and South America and it sounds like she’ll be working in Australia.

And even if she does blow some cash, it doesn’t matter, it’s a good learning experience for her to manage her funds.

I’ll certainly be encouraging my kids to take gap years. They are so valuable and so much easier to travel, care-free when you’re young.

OP with all due respect you are at risk of damaging your relationship with her.

His reply was factual and clear. And it isn't any of your business. You sound so negative and perhaps a bit jealous. So what if she has a dream to travel and be a physiotherapist? So what if she doesn't achieve it?
She doesn't need you sitting in the corner with a 'I told you so attitude' looking down on her.

You can't control what your adult children choose to do with their career. So stop trying to.

And also the whole 'I have 3 other children there's no way I'd travel across the world without them to see her' she is your other child!! She should be just as important.

Sorry to be harsh. But your attitude stinks of jealousy and favouritism. To your other 3 children.

@Longstorylittle at the end of the day your ex husband is right. This money has come from him and his family. She's travelling and earning money, why shouldn't she? It sounds more like you're jealous that your daughter is doing something you haven't done

She is an adult. If she chooses to spend all her money on 2 years travelling so be it. If she comes back without the money to get through Uni our put a huge deposit on a house then she will have to deal with it. Don't give her a penny if she pleads poverty. Bottom line is that it is her money and her life but it is also choices and choices have consequences.

I took 2 years out before uni and was so glad I did. I also changed what I wanted to do at uni which again I am so glad about as I really had no idea when I was still at school. By the time I went to uni I had got going out and drinking out my system a bit and so was focused on studies so did very well and did lots of extra research etc which has been great for my career. There were loads of people my age and older. I was also so glad that I was able to travel while I was young and didn't have to worry about work etc. she sounds very sensible and it's an amazing opportunity. She will learn so much and be much more ready for uni or whatever she decides to do next.

Sounds like the money is being very well managed by the daughters dad

Sounds more like OP doesn't like her ex, or her daughter

Why do you think it’s unlikely? I have 2 friends who have done this early in their careers. One in rugby, one in cricket. I envied the one in cricket, she just followed the summer around the globe!
They are both now married with kids and have their own practices which has worked really well around family life. I’d say they have much better quality of lives than my friends who went into law.

YABVU

She sounds like an amazing young woman.

She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven.

You should feel very proud of her.

You only get one chance to be young and most people would give anything to travel and see the world like she’s doing.

She’s got the rest of her life to settle down with a steady job and kids.

You should be encouraging her!
I can’t help feel that you are jealous of her/of your ex.

I’d also count your lucky stars that she’s met an Irish boy. My biggest fear about my kids going travelling is that they fall in love with an Aussie and end up settling the other side of the world!

Just read all the threads on what people regret in their lives. Along with not having more sex when they were young(!) a big one is that people wished they'd travelled more before they got tied down.

Send her off and wish her the best.

I'm glad you're not my mum.

Sounds amazing. Her dad's response sounds reasonable. I think your only option is to be totally nice and supportive and happy for her.

I do understand your concerns but she doesn't have the restrictions of life and money most of us have had so she can just enjoy it. She's also 19 and if you try to suggest anything else, she'll do the opposite lol.

'So far she's set to spend less than £15,000 this year and next year she'd be earning in Australia so even less.'

She's spent £15k already in cheap Thailand in 3 months? How is she going to spend less in Australia which is insanely expensive? Hostels in Bondi cost around $80 a night; the cheapest I've stayed at was $50 four years ago.

How is she going to get a job? It'll be mostly waitressing; reminds me of Ronan Keatings daughter getting a barista job in Coogee - and packing it in short after! It's hard work, when you haven't worked for a while.

I'm only making a point that she's spending a fair bit considering she's in Thailand. In Australia her costs will explode, but like others said it's not your money so nothing you can do.

She been gone 7 months, and is on route to spend 15k, not that she already has.

Also she hasn't only been in Thailand, she's been to Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, Singapore. She's currently heading to Indonesia. Shes paid out for group tours occasionally when wanting to hike or similar.
Then over Christmas she and this Irish lad got a hotel to have some proper rest.

Sounds good to me then.

What about your other comment OP, how you won't leave your 3 children to travel to your daughter. She's your child too?

My mum leaves her kids in the UK to travel to me in Australia.

I'd be very hurt if she had said what you said.

By her kids I obviously mean my siblings

@Longstorylittle sounds more like she's spent a reasonable amount and her dad is extrapolating it to the whole year. Your daughter sounds amazing and I feel sorry for her that her mum holds such negative feelings towards her

So what even if she spends loads?
She's been allocated a set amount and her dad is managing the rest.
If she manages to run out all she has to do is turn around and come home. Simples.

Also @Longstorylittle How do you know all this detail about where she's been? That's much more than erm 'obligatory talk'.

My kids are 9, 6 and 3. They need me at home, their dad works long hours so couldn't do childcare alone.
Also if I'm spending lots of money on a holiday it will be for my husband and kids too, not to go visit DD who decided to leave!

@thebestsre

She posts on instagram and TikTok a lot. We've called 3 times in 7 months, each less than 15 minutes.

This update is so sad, your poor daughter!

Now this I agree with @penguinbiscuits@lifebeginsaftercoffee
Stunned at PP assuming that everyone has the money to jet off to the other side of the world. But I guess it's the sentiment rather than the practicalities of the action people were picking up on.

OP said she wouldn't be averse if her ex paid. But it's not fair on the family for her to spend family money on visiting her daughter. And as the daughter who moved to the other side of the world myself it's not my parents' responsibility to visit although they do, as they can afford it with my help.

If I wanted mummy here all the time I'd have just stayed home. LOL.

Oh wow she's so lucky. I'd be so happy for her. After she starts to work/study again she'll never get this opportunity again. She should defo make the most of it