To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

@dameofdilemma

I completely agree.

Unfortunately, there appears to be conflation in this thread between mail-order brides and any man that marries a woman from Thailand (or other poorer country).

There must be loving couples in the UK that are experiencing horrible racism from their judgemental neighbours and extended peer groups.

A lot of the comments on this thread just seem like schoolyard bullying IMHO.

@Bumpitybumper

Possibly, yes. Different societies have different moral and social beliefs.

There was a recent thread where a poster was unhappy that her mother had told her she should marry a wealthy man, not her (similarly-earning) fiance. The overwhelming consensus was that her mother was right!

A poor person from the UK is nowhere near as poor as someone from one of these countries that can be experiencing poverty in a way that is unimaginable in the western world. This inevitably leads to a level of desperation and economic need that makes them much more vulnerable to exploration. The mail order brides are often looking for a husband to not only support them but their extended family. They don't just want the money but need it. There really is a massive difference!

In my experience, the Taiwanese highly value education, family, family obligations and responsibilities, 'elder wisdom', hard work, money, career prestige, etc.

I'm a white man that's married to a British woman of Chinese heritage. We're both professional people that earn fairly decent money by UK standards. I'm slightly older (3 years). It's a marriage of equals.

I wonder how many posters on this thread would judge us immediately on appearances if they didn't realise my wife was British.

Of course societies and cultures differ, but this is the literal script that men want to hear. The innocent sweet women just looking for an unattractive, boring, poor earning western man because there are no suitable men in her country. She will have sex with you, cook, clean, raise your kids and never challenge you. It's all very convenient isn't it and the term 'modern day slavery' keeps coming to mind for some reason...

Once the woman establishes herself in a country, she can leave him. I know a Russian woman, married a slug, had 2 children, she trained professionally and left, she is now dating someone from work, There was a ridiculous looks difference with her husband, you couldn’t fathom it, until you knew the story. But he had a home and British citizenship, she had nothing but her youth and good looks, with hidden intelligence and ambition.

People are ignoring some essential facts here.

First of all , citizenship is not as easy as come to UK, get married , done. You need to be here for 3 years , pass the language test, pass the life in the UK test, complete the application and pay the (quite high) fees. All this creates a massive power imbalance. They rely on their husband to be cooperative and willing to support them in that application. It becomes a handy threat to weaponise. Even more so if the women have no contacts, low level of english and/or education etc. They are very vulnerable to abuse of all kinds. Sure, they could go back home but even that can be tricky if they have no funds and cultural/societal difficulties of being divorced .

The vast majority of these men don't just want a relationship or love. They want a relationship with an attractive, often much younger woman. They could have relationships in the Uk , but they want "better". They wouldn't want half the women wringing their hands on this thread and defending them. And if no woman at all wants them, maybe we should ask why.

A man (or woman) who goes on holiday to, for example, Thailand and meets and falls in love with someone is different to those who actively pursue a narrow and specific demographic.
It reminds me of when people date online and set their maximum age limit much much younger than they are. It gives me the ick.

*@Bumpitybumper · Today 12:10

For example, what happens if you offered someone from a poorer country the 'opportunity' to be your live in carer and you would pay them £2 an hour? They could make the decision to take the role because it's better than the salary they can achieve back in their home country but this would be illegal due to the UK having NMW laws that are there to stop this kind of exploitation.

Then all you have to do is offer them an extra 19p ph and it wont be illegal if they have the right to work here.
£2.19 an hour is the rate DWP Carers Allowance legally pays my carer if they were to do only the minimum amount of hours - 35.

My carer is in a desperate situation were this is their best current option. I am in a difficult situation were even topping it up a bit and throwing in all sorts of perks is still exploiting someone but my only workable option.

(I was previously in an underage arranged marriage with my Guardian, so have experience of the reality of transactional exploitation, and do my best to make things work for them according to what they want out of it all, as well as me - it's still crap though.)

They wouldn't want half the women wringing their hands on this thread and defending them.

And? Why would that be a problem for the women stating a different opinion to you?

The way you have written that looks like you think these women with different opinions to you are... desperate? That really doesn't appear to be the case on this thread. That statement is a little misogynistic.

They wouldn't want me either. I'm too old and too fat. And that's the point really.

It's absolutely fucking heinous and knocks me sick.

Actually you can get ILR on grounds of domestic abuse without meeting most of the other requirements - financial, life in the UK test, etc. You can even apply for outside the UK. Of course, proof and money/reasonable knowledge.

Personally, I am not 'defending' the man. I have known some to brag about this and I have no respect for them.

Rather, 'judgement' is just a feeling. What action are you going to take? Prevent these women from marrying these men? The UK government has already made it extremely difficult to bring foreign spouses over to the UK and get ILR under normal circumstances.

I know a few couples were the husband is British and they wife is , normally asian, say Thailand. Both of the couples I know well met in London though. As in they girl from Thailand was already working in the UK.

I think there is more to it than 'just exploiting the woman' as they are ugly and no one else would look at them.
Incidentally both these blokes are not unattractive . They are older than their wives though.

Firstly, (and while this is an generalisation, and can't be true for each and everyone, I have heard it from a few of these husbands and wives) the woman are often more traditionally minded. So they are willing to be sahm for example and do the house while their husbands work. Whereas with how rife modern age feminism is in the UK a lot of woman don't want this. They want to be equal and work as well.
If that's not what they man wants, shy blame them? You didn't want him, but now he's not allowed to marry a foreigner?

Secondly I don't see how it's much different from an older man taking a pretty young wife. (Both British)
She likes the fact that he has money and takes care of him and he likes the fact that's she's pretty and at home.
It's not exploitation. They chose it?

I think it's often exploitative in both directions, but equally often, it's mutually beneficial. My own relationship and outside perceptions of it have taught me not to judge. You rarely see the full picture from the outside. However, the bigger the age gap, the more judgemental I will be.

I completely agree.

When I was at school, my friends father would repeatedly "walk in" on us getting changed. We were under the age of 16.

He went on to marry a thai bride.

It's vile.

Only thing that really makes my hairs stand on end is when the older man is keen to be a hands on step-dad....

Why do some posters keep saying this.
You're projecting The British or western idea of attractiveness/relationships and applying it to other nations. The idea that other women in the countries mentioned are poor, educationally and fiscally is bizarre. It's also wholly untrue the majority of these women are being exploited. In fact who is exploiting who?
Certainly eastern european women are not known for being of a soft pliable temperament.
I have a relative who is married to a Russian woman and DP previously dated a Russian women for many yrs. In fact for while I was intimidated by her beauty when i looked at her pictures. I certainly have seen and first hand that dating these women is not for the faint hearted, there is no deference.
Dp met the women on the standard dating apps-Tinder-Bumble, he also worked extensively in Eastern/Northern Europe in the music industry. Plenty of exposure to the nuance's of the many cultures and the women from that area.

I agree with this.
I have a good friend who would probably fall into the category of women described by OP.
Yes, she did find her British partner through a dating site, because where she lived in a small town in Eastern Europe the local men weren’t all that. Plenty of creeps over there too, with younger girlfriends and all.
My friend was looking for a way out, sure, but also for a genuine relationship.
I also know a couple where the woman is from the Philippines and the man is British and older than her, but they seem fond of each other and like a solid partnership.
I just think that in real life it’s more nuanced than ‘creepy old Western man bags himself a beautiful young woman from a poor country’.

Well yeah it’s more disdain at the idea of going abroad to basically buy a wife. It’s not jealousy, it’s thinking “jeez what a sadsack”.

@5128gap

I wouldn’t waste my time explaining it to you

So you think women are actually jealous of this nonsense?

Each to their own.

Both exploitative though , surely?