To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

Some of the comments on this thread seem to have the subtext:

'I used to bully/dismiss boring ugly geeks like these. Now they're married to women far more attractive than me and I don't like it. How dare my rejects find happiness abroad? They should die sad and alone.'

Am I wrong?

Its seedy.

Give me the rational argument for affording wealthy privileged men equal concern to the disadvantaged young women they prey on, and I'll do my utmost to see it. Because you're right, I am incapable of seeing the rationale behind framing the men as victims of the women.

I see it as a form of prostitution.
My Mum worked with a lovely Russian lady in the 90s. She came to this country as a mail order bride and was treated abysmally by her, much older, husband.

Maybe it's that their life is just marginally less shit than it was before? If you come from an horribly impoverished background then living with an exploitative sex tourist probably seems like an improvement.

It doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean they're not victims.

Err, yeah. Unless you think abusive men exploiting impoverished women makes them a plucky underdog.

I was pretty horrified on a holiday to Koh Samui a few years ago by the number of older European men walking around with Thai women significantly younger than them.

We had dinner one night in the beach and the couple in front of us was an older English guy (mid to late 60's), his companion a Thai girl (mid to late 20's). They were drinking and laughing, she listened intently and had her hand on his leg.

It looked like they liked each other and i was started to rethink my initial gut reaction until he puckered up and lent over to her and for a split second I saw her look of revulsion, when she pulled away before correcting herself and kissing him back. It was pretty sad to watch after that.

Yes. The problem is capitalism. This also applies to a vast amount of women in this country paid peanuts to scrub toilets, mop floors and wipe old people's arses for rich westerners and respected corporations.

Seems a lot easier to fixate on other people's relationships (with a healthy dose of quasi-racist patronising directed at Asian women throughout this thread) than to recognise that how affluent westerners treat toilet attendants and hotel cleaners is part of the exact same system.

It's gross. Basically buying women and girls isn't it.

Completely agreed.
I'm from a South-East Asian country. And @SpaDaysAreMyFave no matter how 'educated' a woman is, Asians still place a lot of emphasis on material possessions.
Of course someone educated, with a good job etc like me has options. I married my husband for love but money was still important. I wouldn't have looked twice at a lower earner, or someone who takes jobs for 'passion' over money. Of course if anything happened to my husband I would stick with him (I won't dump him for losing his job/becoming disabled etc) but money is important to me and I need someone with the same values.

I agree with the OP's premise, that the men are creepy. But I don't think the women would thank you for reducing their chances. Provided that he gives her money marrying a 'wealthy' person is a way for entire families out of poverty in an environment with little choice. And, if your highest earning potential job is prostitution anyway, having just one punter doesn't seem so bad.

They are not stupid, well aware of their rights especially to assets after divorce. As much as he is taking advantage of her poverty, SHE is taking advantage of his.. well.. lack of erm other personal characteristics.

A lot of poor desperate people would do a lot of things for money. At what point does it count as exploitation?

For example, what happens if you offered someone from a poorer country the 'opportunity' to be your live in carer and you would pay them £2 an hour? They could make the decision to take the role because it's better than the salary they can achieve back in their home country but this would be illegal due to the UK having NMW laws that are there to stop this kind of exploitation.

What happens if a woman wants to sell sex? This is also banned because it is deemed exploitative. Just because someone agrees to something it doesn't mean it isn't intrinsically exploitative.

You can talk about these brides being consenting adults making a free choice all you want but in reality she is extremely vulnerable. There is a very fine line between some of these marriages and modern day slavery. These women are trapped with a man that they almost certainly don't love and they know they can't leave him for a specified amount of time without forsaking their right to stay in the county. She could be under immense financial pressure from her family to make this work and send money back home. It is incredibly naive to assume these women are making a free choice in the way that many western women can. The clue is that the women with the free choice aren't picking these men so they obviously aren't a great choice for women with real options and opportunities.

You're preaching to the choir with me. I'm against exploitation of low paid workers too, and speak out about that and campaign for change where I can. However, there are at least some legislatitive attempts at mitigations when it comes to exploitation in employment (albeit often circumvented and not going far enough) such as NMW and WTR. While the sexual exploitation of women often tends to get hidden behind people's rights to their 'relationships' that are nobody else's business etc.

You're assuming that the only reason a (white?) man would marry a foreign woman is exploitation.

Personality traits that are dismissed in the west (geek, boring, etc) may actually be prized in other cultures - stable, educated, earning potential, etc.

If men, that have been left on the shelf by UK women, find happiness with a woman from another country, good luck to them.

That isn't abuse.

(I do agree that there are some older men that simply want a young, hot wife or pseudo servant, but that isn't everybody that marries a foreign bride.)

I was an attractive but poor single parent, through no fault of my own, and I seduced an ugly rich man whom I went on to marry and have more children. We have been together for 22 years and are very happy. I have a small business and I look after him. He has a large business and showers me with money, gifts and holidays. We are both white/English. I am astounded you thing this only happens in foreign lands, OP.

You're wrong.

People shouldn't be a commodity that can be bought. It's as fundamental as that! I think it speaks volumes that men often think that the objections to this are rooted in jealousy as opposed to concern about human rights and exploitation. Do you think women are also 'jealous' of the men that abuse women trafficked into the country to be sex workers?

No, I don't make that assumption, which you would have realised if you had read my post on the subject.

The one making an assumption and a sweeping statement that, oddly enough, seems to let predators off the hook and put the blame back on Western women, is you.

@Bumpitybumper

I think you're racist to believe that all marriages between British and Thai/Filipino/etc women are exploitative.

🤷‍♂

This is a fallacy that western men fall for. It is literally written on the mail order bride websites that these foreign brides just happen to prize the traits that western women don't. It's complete BS!

Lots of western women like men that are geeks. Lots of women are geeks themselves. They don't generally like men with negative personality traits but you are absolutely kidding yourself if you think that women from other countries are gagging for an old, overweight, boring husband that has no redeeming qualities. The difference is they will pretend to like you because you have money. It is nothing short of a pretence undertaken by someone that is desperate enough to sell her chance of finding genuine love and building a life with a husband she would actually choose.

"This is a fallacy that western men fall for. It is literally written on the mail order bride websites that these foreign brides just happen to prize the traits that western women don't. It's complete BS!"

I lived in Taiwan for two years when i was younger and people absolutely do value different things in relationships.

@peakygold

Are you secretly Melanie Trump posting under a pseudonym?

I don't think all of these marriages are exploitative but I think a heck of a lot are.

The problem is that men are drawn to these countries because they know they can effectively buy a wife. There is a reason why you don't see mail order brides from countries with comparative wealth.

It is ridiculous to say it's racist! The race of the people has nothing to do with it and I have the same objection about eastern European mail order brides too.

Because no woman in the UK has EVER married a man for his money!

🙄

On an individual level, couples may be happy with the arrangement.

On a global level, it's right to be concerned about exploitation - men using agencies to find women whom they can control financially. Women forced to take this route due to abject poverty.

This isn't about wanting a nicer handbag. It's about sending money back to feed extended family in countries with non existent welfare systems.

What's deeply unattractive about these men isn't their looks or their desire for sex. It's their desire for control, to not be challenged and to have the upper hand in every respect.

Let me guess, they favour personality, intelligence and romance more than looks and age. They want to look after their man and home and like a man to be a real man. So different from these career driven nasty western women.....

@dameofdilemma

So a poor woman living in the UK, couldn't marry a wealthy man from another country without being "exploited" ?