To dislike men who seek out foreign brides

[Hartley99]

There are quite a few documentaries about this on YouTube. The guy is usually ugly or boring or nerdy (usually all three). He claims to be ‘looking for love,’ when in reality, of course, he’s looking for a sexual partner. So he goes online and searches for girls in poor countries - often Thailand or Russia. In almost every case the girl is younger and/or much more attractive than him.

Recently, there was a documentary on channel 4, and I ended up having an argument with someone at work about it. They thought the whole thing was ‘sweet’ and funny and couldn’t see anything wrong. To them it made sense. The guy got to have sex with a girl out of his league, and the girl got to move to a richer country with more opportunities. To me it just seemed revolting. However you spin it, they are taking advantage of her poverty. They know that she wouldn’t look twice at them in any other circumstance. Apparently, after the invasion of Ukraine there was a massive spike in men looking for Ukrainian brides online. I mean that says it all. Or am I being uptight and judgemental?

@grinandslothit

Judging from the comments about men being ugly/boring/geeks, I think those commenters are school bullies that object to seeing people, that they consider to be inferior, finding happiness with somebody abroad and they then justify their feelings by calling it exploitation.

Just to be clear, I do consider the concept of older man shopping for young bride/servant to be creepy. I'm referring more to the men that haven't found love/relationships in the UK and then seek to cast their nets wider. If you read through the thread, there are plenty of posters claiming it's their fault they're unattractive and should basically just suck it up.

Quite frankly, if that's the attitude of a lot of British women, I can see why they'd look to meet somebody abroad.

I know someone very average looking who married a Ukrainian woman 20 years younger. She looked like a model. He had to support her family back home, including paying for surgery for the granny and school fees for her nephew. He was trying to find a husband for his wife's sister so that he didn't go bankrupt. It's a business transaction. He got a trophy wife, and she had her family supported .

I think romance is a higher western ideal but if you've grown up in a society that is very different you may have different aims our of a relationship. Perhaps money/security/healthcare/a safe place for your children to grow up/ regular food on the table/education/opportunity. Romance doesn't give that, so some women may well make an informed decision to choose a relationship that will give them and their children this. So long as it is their choice I have no problem with this. It's like human rights- western rights declarations talk about rights to privacy/self-determination etc. Elsewhere in the world the equivalent documents talk to rights to basic sanitation etc - until you have the basics in terms of survival those other rights are just pointless flimflam

Also, the whole "wealthy man" is a bit of a myth. Again, the majority of them have normal jobs and would by no means be considered wealthy in the UK. They're just wealthier than their brides.

Would you still think it's all ok and hunky dory, poor ,poor men looking for love and a relationships if they were trawling homeless camps instead for sex/wives? Even bog standard Jim with a council flat and on benefits is wealthier than a homeless woman. It's still just a trade bla bla bla.

At what point does it actually become distasteful, immoral and exploitation? How far are we willing to go because the poor ickle men haven't found anyone else (yeah,right!) and they need a relationship?

Yes. I've just considered it. It's total bollocks isn't it ?

The main reason why they don't find "love" in the UK, is because the women they want , don't want them. Let's be realistic here. None of them bring back middle aged, overweight, average looking or unattractive women are they?

So it's either because they're incredibly shallow that they haven't found "love" or because they're actually that bad (behaviour wise) no one will have them. Either way, it doesn't fill me with sympathy.

Maybe we are mean and bullies, I'm willing to actually think about that for a bit, but the men you feel sorry for are exactly the same. They don't want love, they want young and hot.

This is not the same as a man who settles down with a foreign woman.

Look, many people want a relationship but struggle. They offer stability and financial support to a woman and she offers companionship and intimacy with the man.

Is this fairytale perfect? Maybe not but I have come across MANY such unions where both a genuinely happy. The woman could have left for another man who had more bit doesn't because she genuinely cares for her husband.
The families of these men often care deeply for the woman as they see how kind and caring she is towards their family member. The woman is happy with a kind man. She doesn't care that he's not attractive.

We have wealth privilege thinking all unions are supposed to follow some fairy tale storyline
Everyone goes in with their eyes open
Love comes in many forms and I have seen many of these unions where there is great love

It’s basically prostitution. Man gets sex, woman gets financial security.

I just feel sorry for 'brides' , whoever they are (eastern or western) who marry for purely financial reasons but still have to have sex with men that physically (& probably mentally) disgust them.

Give me homelessness over that anyday.

Its not just men and trophy wives either. Plenty of older women come home with their Turkish toy boys...

There's a shock.

They are making a free choice that works for them

It's not a free choice though, is it.

It's unlikely to be the same choice they'd make if there were born in a developed, welfare state, free education country.

And it's unlikely some of the men struggle socially of not for being ND, unattractive or of modest means by western standards.

Life's not fair. We get handed an uneven deck. People make the best of the life they are given

Unless you have actually been confronted with reality of homelessness in a 3rd world country you really wouldn't have a clue

I feel sorry for some (only some) of the men as well. I mean the ones who are lonely and desperate for companionship. Do they really believe that a pretty Thai girl 30 years younger has fallen in love with them? We’re all good at self-deception I guess, especially when we want something to be true. Imagine taking the dog for a walk, or popping into Neros for a coffee, or any of them other little things couples do. The whole time I’d be thinking “this is a sham. We’re playing at being a couple. You don’t really care about me at all.” What the hell would you talk about for a start? I’d also feel so seedy and ashamed. I agree with you that, as a woman, I’d rather be homeless than live like that. But if I was man I’d feel the same. I think I’d rather be lonely but keep my pride and self-respect. Spin it however you like, you are still exploiting a young woman. I couldn’t live with myself. I’d feel the same about visiting sex workers. It’s maybe excusable in a frustrated young man, but for a 50 or 60-year-old to buy sex from a young girl is a deeply unpleasant thing.

"The main reason why they don't find "love" in the UK, is because the women they want , don't want them."

And so what?

Why is it any of your business if they meet somebody that you consider 'too attractive' for them?

I would say with a three year age gap, it would be highly unlikely you'd be judged on appearance to be in the same bracket as men in their 60s with 20s wives, no. I see your point though, it is unfortunate that when certain men behave in exploitative ways to certain women, other men may end up as collateral damage by being judged as the same. But in your shoes I'd be angry at the men who caused this to become a stereotype, not at the women talking about exploitation.

My partners friend, let's call him Tim, is married to a Filipino woman he met while working in the ME.

He'd previously struggled to get a partner.
He also displayed very unpleasant behaviour when his friends got partners (only to the partners, not his friends).

She had a decent enough job there in hotel hospitality/PR type stuff, but obviously nothing like his 6 figure engineer salary.

She was described by one of their group of friends as looking like Miss World, and a distinct contrast to him, as a pale, pasty, overweight and not particularly conventionally attractive guy.

She probably would have been clued in enough to guess his income/potential income, but in any case the attitude of many women in her group of friends was illustrated clearly when my partner (then single) moved there for work, was introduced and her friend asked her what his salary was (which she then reported to Tim who reported it to my partner).

When in an ltr/marriage with Tim, she has instituted "deals" like, he gets to game for a certain no of hours a week if she gets an expensive designer handbag.
My partner said a lot of her focus seems to be on gaining lifestyle items to impress and compete with her friends and family.

I think Tim also helps out her family financially (which is par for the course for lots of families from SE Asia etc).

She is supposedly devoutly religious (Catholic).and when she found out my partner is a Protestant was shocked, declared him not a "proper" Christian, and banned him from a proposed church Christmas ceremony. She/they have also done something a devout Christian would not do, which I won't go into, but is significant.

So I suppose in a case like theirs, it's rather mixed.

She could have continued trying to get promoted and earn well herself in the ME, but getting a 6 figure salary man was easier. She runs their marriage (and all their friends agree she runs it) like a business/trade. She has some rather unpleasant, immoral sides. He's a bit of a dick too, so they kind of suit.

I don't know what her partner etc. choices in life would have been had she not been born in a developing country with poverty.

For the most part however, the advantage taking (of poverty, lack of opportunity, deprivation etc) is definitely on the bride buyers side.

gap is one of the most consistently excellent posters on this site.

I have no clue who you are.

Just saying.

(Also anyone who starts a post "Look darling" is bound to be an absolute zx#@).

Mate, if you had a single coherent point with which to challenge me, you'd be climbing over yourself to put me in my place. You wouldn't need to call me Darling and stupid and pretend to some superior intellect I wouldn't understand to try and do it. You are have waded into a debate taking up a position you haven't really thought through and now you can't explain yourself. That's OK. We'll leave it there.

Are you all only discussing 50+ year old men with much younger women?
It seems like it and that's just not how it is anymore. Well, I would imagine these agencies still exist for some men who can't fathom how to get a partner more organically. Ew. I will add, the kind of men that use these agencies will use sex workers etc from this country too. A man buying a wife will see nothing wrong with buying sex.
The Internet has changed dating beyond comprehension. You are all aware that young western men AND women can chat to other young people from all over the world?
It has being said over and over again on this thread but some women from non western countries have, God forbid, agency over their own lives. The way these amazing women have being described by some on this this thread is so condescending I don't even know how to respond.
So yes, Derek aged 74 buying himself a 21 year old Thai bride is sickening. That's not always the case though is it? There's a ton of individuals who's story is different to that.

Are you trying to compare being born not particularly attractive in a western, developed, welfare state with free education...

.....and being born in a developing, impoverished, non democratic, corrupt, non welfare state with no free education??

Sorry, no comparison.

Because the exploitation and abuse of women (and girls) should be everyone's business.

It's interesting to see that a lot of the comments in support of this are very similar to the ones in support of prostitution/"happy hooker" myth.