…to not want The Biter in my son’s nursery class?

[sellotape12]

My 2 year old has been in baby room since he was 12 months with a boisterous kid who’s prone to biting. He also pushes and snatches, which I know they all do… but my kid and this kid seem to wind each other up. When DS sees him in the playground he mimics the shouting and pushing.

DS recently moved up to the toddler room and seems so much happier. He’s doing sweet little things and being kind. The nursery has two toddler rooms, Green and Blue and DS is in Blue. A few weeks ago we politely and discreetly asked the nursery if there’s any way the other child might go into the Green room when he’s ready.

We just found out the biter will be going into Blue room too. I appreciate he’s just an innocent toddler and they’re all as bad as each other to some extent but I also feel a bit sad that he’s going to bring out the worst in my son! Am I awful?
AIBU to want my son and a boisterous biting toddler to be in separate classes at nursery?

Unfortunately biting is pretty common, Dd never bit anyone thank god but her nursery was quite strict and if you bit or something you were removed from the space for a while to reinforce that it wasn’t on.

You can try insisting your son be moved to the other room and acknowledge your son winds him up but that it’s better for both of them if they are separated. Tbh if there was a kid constantly biting mine I would be having a firm word with mine about leaving the child alone and also with nursery about keeping them apart.

Thr nursery shouldn't allow children to be attacked and assaulted, even by peers. I'm totally unimpressed by parents who condone this kind of thing "it's normal" - something being fairly common does not make it ok. We tiptoe around the feelings of the violent kids, not wanting to make them feel bad for their behaviour, but who thinks of the kids who are repeatedly bitten, hit, and pushed over? What about their feelings?

I voted yabu though because op's son sounds pretty much as bad and she is nonchalant about it and blames the other child

biter what about snappy choppy or snippy .
Look at your own child before you start on others you just might find the cause.
Their all toddlers if its such a problem ask to have your child moved.

In that specific situation, perhaps. I've also read in horror on MN how poorly (some) UK schools will handle situations like that so I can see it might, in fact, be necessary.

In my DC school, both participants will get consequences for physically fighting. But they handle it well & there's ample opportunities for both parties to give their side of things.

I know we've gone off topic, but back to telling a 3.5 year old to 'hit back' - it's terrible advice, as a 3.5 yo cannot differentiate between one kind of hitting being bad, and another being ok. Equally at 3.5 there's no situation where it isn't possible to sort it out with words - if the caregivers aren't enabling that, it's a problem with the setting.

@EarringsandLipstick you haven't given specific examples of how it will lead to lots of problems for my child?

Please speak for yourself when you say a 3.5 YO can't differentiate....my DS is very clear on defence vs beginning the altercation

Your child sounds weak and easily-led and you should have a serious talk with him about not being led astray by his peers in the hope that he develops a backbone, otherwise there's no hope for him when the teenage drink/drugs/experimenting years start.

Oh wait, they're both 2.

I voted YANBU. We have a situation at the moment that 21 month old GS is getting bitten regularly at nursery but have been told that he will antagonise the child who likes to bite. The irony is he has been a biter at home but they are mostly love bites. He's trying really hard not to do it but sometimes it just overwhelms him and it's like uhoh.
My DD was a biter and we were asked to leave 4 different playgroups and nurseries in the early 90s and it felt very isolating. Zero tolerance.

I wouldn't tolerate a workplace where I was regularly bitten or otherwise assaulted. And I definitely wouldn't want my child to be in that position.

I guess your options are to ask for your child to be in the other room, or to find alternative daycare for him.

If a kid bites it’s not fair on the others.

I am sure Op is just calling the kid a biter for the purpose of anonymity here and to differentiate between the non-biter and the one whose teeth clamp down on other kids flesh.

The nursery should prevent this or separate them.

My niece got bitten three times at nursery by the same boy. He bit lots of DC. He bit through my nieces skin. My sister had to take her to A&E to get an injection. My sister said they couldn't keep him safe so she had to move her.

Biting phases aren't uncommon in under 3s. It can last a bit longer in SEN biters if they don't have verbal communication. It is very difficult to deal with unless they respond to redirection. Some have obvious triggers which the adults can be mindful of but often it's just random.

Nursery staff with 2yo are working at a 4/5 ratio and it literally take a moment for biters to bite even sat right next to an adult if the adult has to switch focus to another child.

You aren't unreasonable for wanting your child away from a biter but it is a very tricky dynamic for nurseries to have everyone's needs catered for effectively.

Agreed. This is really nasty. Wait until it's your child doing the biting or the hitting or whatever...

Well, I did?

You are setting your DC up to look to resolve problems with aggression. They'll get into trouble for thjs when they are older, regardless of their self-defence argument.

When they are older, they are expected to seek help from those in charge, not escalate it by hurting back.

It's a really poor decision on your part. Why would you encourage a 3 yo to hit others? And if the argument is that the staff don't deal with the situation, how can you feel comfortable leaving your child there? That's what you need to focus on.

My oldest DS went through a short phase of biting in nursery. He
was also bitten, pushed and hit by other children. I think it’s common that some
toddlers go through these phases and it’s how the nursery deals with it. They won’t be able to prevent all these incidents. For most children it’s just a short phase and it doesn’t mean they grow up to be violent or dangerous peopl. DS hasn’t bitten anyone now for over 20 years. I think you are being a bit precious and suddenly it can be your child starts pushing other kids and there will be a MN thread about The Pusher….

I wouldn’t ever tell my child to hit back because it isn’t something I want to encourage

But

Massive difference between three and a half and just two.

My DS was in a nursery with a biter. Broke the skin through clothing twice. Forgave the first time after a conversation with staff; removed him the second time. If they cannot manage the child/biting, what else were they failing to do?

Some of the responses here are ridiculously harsh. Especially about calling the other child The Biter. Everyone understands Mumsnet to be a place where people let off steam and use deliberately hyperbolic language for the purposes of humour. It's not as if the OP is storming about the nursery calling him The Biter to his face, or the face of his carers.
The OP has a legitimate concern that is quite common among parents of nursery aged children, but the many informative responses on this thread are drowned out by people who are desperate to get there little kick from Being Righteous on the Internet. Can't those of you so in need of an outlet for aggression all just go and punch a wall instead?

@EarringsandLipstick I'd rather they get in trouble when they are older with teachers than have issues with other children with bullying etc as they grow up. I know a few people who have older children who are very good natured and kind and were brought up to never start a fight but to defend themselves physically - my best friend is one example, her daughter stamped out the behaviour of bullies herself through defence - they soon learnt they couldn't pick on her. She is a lovely child. You like to generalise but it won't get you very far assuming only your map of the world exists

Nobody wants their kid bitten so I have no idea why people are so defensive of it . I also don't see what the problem is in referring to the child as 'the biter' how else would you identify them in an anonymous online post about their biting?

If they're determined to put the two together OP then is there somewhere else you could move yours? Mine was never bitten at preschool, it's not something that has to happen to every child and if it was happening repeatedly and it wasn't being prevented by the staff then I would have pulled my child.

Course they don't. But OP just wants to fob this kid off into a different room to bite other people's kids.

Speak to the key worker

Biting is fairly common in toddlers and they will know how to handle it

I remember being upset when my baby was bitten a few times by another child at nursery(around 18m i think) but it didnt last long and the staff were very diligent

They probably put them in together on purpose after your request 😬😬 how are you so certain that your son is influenced by the other child rather than the other way around?

It’s not ‘just a phase’ it’s awful and should be stopped and children should be kindly taught not to do that.

Oh it is. It might only be a short phase, depending on how effectively they are "kindly taught". But lots of kids will do it for a time. It is unlikely the nursery are just ignoring the issue and the kid will learn not to do it soon. But in the meantime what do you suggest? They can hardly muzzle him.

I remember when DD was this age there was a spate of biting at nursery. She got bit by another child. Shortly after DD started to give the odd bite. Obviously she got a firm no every time. The phase was short lived with her, she soon stopped, but not before she had bitten a little boy whose parents we knew quite well. The father especially was very unhappy about this, the mother a little more philosophical. And indeed, it was soon the other little boy doing the biting. They all came through that stage and stopped pretty soon.

oh fgs she is only calling him the biter for purposes of this thread. I doubt she goes up to him or his parents and calls the kid that.

OP I get it. My son was bitten by a child regularly and came home with really bad marks. It made me feel like I couldn't protect my kid and was sending him in to be "bullied" almost (I am aware 2 year old cannot bully but can't think of a better word to use). Have you spoken to the nursery about how they will navigate this behaviour if it starts again between the boys? Both boys behaviour will need to be actioned to prevent it leading to biting. You might find it doesn't happen within the new room

Agreed. My GS has been "The Biter". He can't talk yet and if another child takes away a toy or steals his food, he has bitten them.
I suppose you'd call a child who takes away another's toy "The Thief"