What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

@Annielou67 How long ago did your friend steal your identity? You could still go to the police, I would, it's a very serious crime. She could be doing it again either with you or someone else.

The woman I considered my best friend was in about 2007-2010. After I had written that long post yesterday ,I realised that all these years later I’m still devastated by it. Betrayal, which I suppose this was,is such a strange thing mentally. There is a humiliation in realising that you were taken advantage of. She managed to take out debt that wasn’t visible on my credit score. It was so deliberate. Anyhow, it’s all a long time ago, my life is good. I’m a believer in ‘ you reap what you sow’ .

picolosmum · Yesterday 11:54

Thanks all,
I’ve decided I just need to tell her she’s making me feel uncomfortable by asking for money so much and actually I think she needs to learn to manage her own money, I’ll help this once but won’t be handing money out again.

thanks all, thought I was being tight.

ah - not uncomfortable enough though- you’re still giving your hard earned money to her- c’mon why should she turn your money tap off? You have to save it and stop it - say NO

"No" is a full sentence. A friend of mine used to borrow money off me for food, but she used it once to buy c*nnabis and that was that. If you can't feed your kids and yourself and you're being careful with your money, fine, I'll help out if I can. If you're wasting cash and THEN can't feed your kids, its time to buck your ideas up. Just say no.

Fags are £12.60 a packet minimum.
So her phone bill is the price of 2 packs, which no doubt she has purchased in lieu of bill paying.

Stop giving this woman money!

Shes NOT a friend. I don't know why you call her a friend

This is the advice I would give. Help her one last time. Then help her learn the skills she clearly lacks

Or stop enabling her by 'helping' that isnt actually helping, and say "No, use your fag money and start being an adult"

Stop enabling her. You are enabling her to continue living this way and you are not doing her any favours.

The best thing you can do is sit down with her and go through a money management discussion of her finances. Set her up with step change if she's in debt and help her look for a job in school hours and show her she can claim 80% child minding fees via UC.

There is no reason for her not to work.

You will be one of several people she does this to sorry.

I think you sound like a very kind and generous friend but this lady is taking advantage. Give her the £20 but tell her that will be the last time. Her reaction to being cut off will tell you whether she's an actual friend or just a user.

I have a lady who helps around the house for a couple of hours a week. It’s slowly come out that she too buys a lot of unessential items while struggling to buy food.

I’ve suggested time and time again she visits a budget advisor. In your case I would give her the 20, say it’s the last time and ask her does she want you to find her a budget advisor and make an appointment.

sometimes people find themselves not being able to see their way out of a hole. Getting a budget advisor who is independent of both of you could be the best way forward.

if she refuses, then she is taking the p*ss with your friendship

She's using you as extra income that she knows she can rely on every month, no need for her to manage her money when she knows you top up her wages

I would sit her down and help her set up a monthly budget, give her the 20, then tell her NO MORE MONEY! “Live within your means from now on.”

She’s a leech, who thinks you’re an atm. Tell her No, and then distance yourself.

Tell her you are definitely not lending/giving any more money and you are not paying for things when you meet up. Stick to it. If she is a true friend it will be fine. If she gets angry and makes you feel bad, then she is only after you for your money and you're better off out.

Why give her money this last time. It will just encourage her to ask the next time. Why not ask if she's got the receipts for any non essential items she's bought?

Walk away now. You're just enabling her. I was in a similar situation with a CF "friend". Looked after her children when she was in hospital, did extra things, because she needed support. They take. They take. They take every last bit of help you're willing, or not so willing to give. And in-between they piss-take. Because "They Need" so they feel entitled. She's not your friend. You don't need to buy her the cigarettes she can't afford. Her bills are her problem. You can't solve her problems. There will be no happy ending. And if she's suckered you, there will be other people she's suckering. But you do not want to be on her friend's "list" when she can't pay her bills. You can't help some people. Why are you socialising with her? Why are you spending £100 "treating her"? The tax payer "treats" her every week by funding her life. Find better friends.

It only takes one short line;

' sorry (friends name), I just don't have it'.

No explanation needed. Even if you're walking round with designer jewels! It's still kind, you aren't being mean. It's just that - you don't have it - to keep handing out.

People with no boundaries will soon start feeling that your stuff, your income, your lifestyle, is also thiers, feeling as if they deserve to be elevated to whatever level you have reached.

She overspends because she knows you will cover for her. She needs to quit smoking first of all. Then she needs to put her children first.

You’re enabling her. Just stop it.

Nope, just nope! Part of being an adult is managing your lifestyle and finances. She will learn nothing whilst you are handing over your wallet.

She’ll never learn to budget if you keep funding her, and as long as you do, you’re supporting her outrageously selfish behaviour.
Tell her no, you can’t and won’t be supporting her financially anymore.

you’ll soon find out if she’s a friend to you.

Sorry but you're being used. Cigarettes are a non essential. If she's got money for candles and rugs then she can pay her way. She doesn't need 2 treats a month. You being in a high paying job doesn't automatically entitle her to your money. You wouldn't be a bad friend to have a stern word! No is a complete sentence.