Unwanted touch (non-sexual)

[niadainud]

At a group event (more like a conference than a social function) man who I know reasonably well lands his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there. I take hold of his arm (firmly, but not aggressively) and remove it from my shoulder and carry on chatting to people. No big drama as far as I was concerned.

A couple of days later I receive a furious message telling me how rude I had been for doing this and that I should have told him I didn't like being touched. Was I?

Yes, I could have broken off the conversation to politely ask him to remove his hand, but I guess I felt that would almost be making more of it. It all happened very quickly.

Other relevant info: this man claims to be a feminist and general friend and ally to all. No sexual history between us.

I'd have dropped my shoulder and moved, I don't see what you did as wrong. unless it was an over egged dramatic thing designed to embarrass him he doesn't get to moan.

"Take your hands off me" would surely have made a bigger deal of it.

Well, he didn't ask first, so why should you?

He’s really angry that you rejected his touch because he believes he has a special understanding of women. Ignore him and let him get on with his little tantrum.

How you handle it is totally up to you - he should be apologising for overstepping the mark with you rather than behaving aggressively about it.

Man is offended "shocker" I wouldn't even reply to him he's just trying to assert more dominance, is there anybody you can complain to about his rude and intrusive email?

It's up to you to deal with how you want. He was rude in the first place! Even odder that he text you to put you in your place.

He may be trying to get the ‘offended’/‘inappropriate behaviour’ accusations in before you do. How did he react when you did it? Was he guilty or annoyed or none of the above?

He thinks you embarrassed him. But he embarrassed himself, and is continuing to do so it seems, let him crack on and ignore his message.

Also, it is "sexual" in the sense that he wouldn't act like this with a man, would he...?

No the default should be that people should keep their hands to themselves, rather than people having to explain they don’t like being touched.

Wow his message suggests that casual touching is the norm and you need to tell someone not to touch you if you don't like it.

Some men are so fucking entitled that they feel victimised when their unacceptable behaviour is called out.

I don't think you have an obligation to be polite under the circumstances, that only serves him.

If you feel like responding I would tell him you are surprised he thinks it's acceptable to touch you without permission and you're waiting for an apology.

So he admits in his message he touched you and you removed his hand, then demonstrates anger. I think you have all the evidence you need should it come to anything.

Are you suggesting she involves the police?

Really foolish behaviour from this man.

You are perfectly right not to want to be touched with such familiarity by a colleague.

He is not entitled to touching you and invading your personal space.

Personally if that was a work event I would pass his message on to HR.

What a twat. He wouldn't have done this to a man and saw it as his right to do it to you. Then is pissed off that you asserted your boundaries as he feels humiliated. You don't have to publicly declare all the things you don't want someone to do to you, to make sure they don't do them, that's ridiculous.

If you'd have told him to move his hand, he would have been just as angry.

Don't apologise. Tell him to not put his arm round people in future.

You were right to do what you did. I think as women, we've been programmed to accept this but why should we?
He just didn't like that you took back control of the situation.

Was that in any way related to work? If so I would contact HR or manager in writing stating that it’s not acceptable.

You are the one owed apology. This man is no feminist,quite opposite in fact.

Not touching people is a social norm and he should be made aware of that.

He's decided he's right without checking why you did that.

If you'd asked him to move his hand everyone would have realised what was happening, so surely that would have been more embarrassing for him?

this is very Very weird

out of nosiness, had a female friend put her hand on your shoulder, would you have removed like this?

take hold of his arm (firmly, but not aggressively) and remove it from my shoulder

Yep.

If it was a female there are different dynamics about power and dominance and unwanted touch and what feels ok and doesn't. I'd turn this question around again and ask would HE have placed his hand on the shoulder of a man in the same way? He sounds like one of those men who always touch a women's hips when they squeeze past her but never a man's!

I would write back and say he has no right to touch your body and he should keep his hands to himself if he doesn't want to be offended by women firmly honoring their own boundaries and body autonomy.

If he's a colleague I'd consider showing the message to HR or your line manager. He's basically trying to gaslight you into thinking you were mad and his actions were totally normal. If he's not a colleague just block him. He sounds vile. Surely the only reaction he should have was that of apology. Touching people without their consent can be classed as assault and he knows it.

You shouldn’t have needed to tell him you didn’t like being touched, but in fact you did tell him by removing his hand, which seems much nicer and less embarrassing than he deserved. We had a guy at work who liked to stand behind you and give shoulder massages (all sexes), the last time he did I “accidentally” jumped backwards in my wheeled chair hitting his feet and legs - he didn’t do it again. I think it’s a power thing and his ego is bruised. Are you going to respond?

very common for a man to put his hand on another man’s shoulder!!