Unwanted touch (non-sexual)

[niadainud]

At a group event (more like a conference than a social function) man who I know reasonably well lands his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there. I take hold of his arm (firmly, but not aggressively) and remove it from my shoulder and carry on chatting to people. No big drama as far as I was concerned.

A couple of days later I receive a furious message telling me how rude I had been for doing this and that I should have told him I didn't like being touched. Was I?

Yes, I could have broken off the conversation to politely ask him to remove his hand, but I guess I felt that would almost be making more of it. It all happened very quickly.

Other relevant info: this man claims to be a feminist and general friend and ally to all. No sexual history between us.

Yeah he's a twat.

That is very much the conclusion I am drawing. There are plenty out there.

Thats my recommendation on itial contact and then be more vocal if they carry on

I noted women do it as well as men and often noted women touching men more often than men

What I found at work was, some senior managers and manager had a habit of touching on the arm, and placing of the hand on the juniors shoulder. As I was no manager, anyone touching my arm or putting their hand on my shoulder often resulted I me doing the same. It was incredible to note as my hand went to the male/females shoulder, they cringed as if as though they were thinking, WTF, who is this person to put their hand on my shoulder? Often they never did it again.

OP, you did the right thing and the email, just shows you did the right thing.
If he carries on hounding you about it - tell the manager.

If he carrys on, report him to the manager - keep it concise and keep it factual and be clear what you felt and why you did it and you was diplomatic as to wanting to make a fuss but now feel its time to report.

The manager may ask you what outcome you want. It may be to stop the harassment or take it further. Good luck

There is no manager. I never said it was a work situation and I've clarified several times that he is a friend (or was).

Then you can decide what you'd want to do. If it was me, I'd steer clear and blank, they'd get the message pretty soon. The choice is yours.
Good luck

Well to be pedantic he’s both had a go and let you off the proverbial hook simultaneously by the phrase you weren’t to know… What an idiot.

I’m assuming he means difficult as in uncomfortable / embarrassed then - but he doesn’t care how uncomfortable / embarrassed you were by a bloke randomly dropping his hand on your shoulder from behind though? Again, idiot.

He sounds petulant and very immature to be honest. A grown, well-adjusted man would have recognised and apologised for their error in judgement, at the time or in private, and certainly not have then gone on to send an angry email days later at your response. The delay shows how much it affected him. He was still incensed well after it happened and totally convinced you were in the wrong. Why do you think that was?

He may not have agreed with your reaction but should be aware that you are entitled to do so. He’s trying to tell you how you should have felt and therefore responded.

Not very emotionally intelligent is he.