Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted touch (non-sexual)

107 replies

niadainud · 19/03/2024 09:04

At a group event (more like a conference than a social function) man who I know reasonably well lands his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there. I take hold of his arm (firmly, but not aggressively) and remove it from my shoulder and carry on chatting to people. No big drama as far as I was concerned.

A couple of days later I receive a furious message telling me how rude I had been for doing this and that I should have told him I didn't like being touched. Was I?

Yes, I could have broken off the conversation to politely ask him to remove his hand, but I guess I felt that would almost be making more of it. It all happened very quickly.

Other relevant info: this man claims to be a feminist and general friend and ally to all. No sexual history between us.

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/03/2024 15:17

Plus I can almost guarantee that if you had asked him to remove his hand, you still would have got a furious email from him a couple of days later telling you how rude you were for embarrassing him. He’s angry because you didn’t let him cross your boundaries and his pathetic ego can’t handle that.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 15:28

Send the message to HR and have them deal with him for you. He should not have touched you. He should not be passively aggressively demanding an apology. He is trying to manage you so he can do it again.

Mrsjayy · 19/03/2024 15:41

Naunet · 19/03/2024 15:17

Plus I can almost guarantee that if you had asked him to remove his hand, you still would have got a furious email from him a couple of days later telling you how rude you were for embarrassing him. He’s angry because you didn’t let him cross your boundaries and his pathetic ego can’t handle that.

Yip it would have been the op fault whatever she did. I mean how dare she cause such a fuss.

Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:26

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2024 09:05

I'd have dropped my shoulder and moved, I don't see what you did as wrong. unless it was an over egged dramatic thing designed to embarrass him he doesn't get to moan.

"Take your hands off me" would surely have made a bigger deal of it.

No, I don't think I made a big drama of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:26

Mrsjayy · 19/03/2024 09:07

Man is offended "shocker" I wouldn't even reply to him he's just trying to assert more dominance, is there anybody you can complain to about his rude and intrusive email?

No, he's a friend rather than a colleague.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:27

Sceptical123 · 19/03/2024 09:09

He may be trying to get the ‘offended’/‘inappropriate behaviour’ accusations in before you do. How did he react when you did it? Was he guilty or annoyed or none of the above?

I'd say he looked slightly startled.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:29

FrenchBoule · 19/03/2024 09:28

Was that in any way related to work? If so I would contact HR or manager in writing stating that it’s not acceptable.

You are the one owed apology. This man is no feminist,quite opposite in fact.

Not touching people is a social norm and he should be made aware of that.

No, not a work event.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 19/03/2024 20:29

niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:26

No, he's a friend rather than a colleague.

Show quote history

Please ignore him he isn't your friend sending emails like that he's embarrassed has a bruised his ego and "that's your fault " . Nah let the bugger stew !

Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:30

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:19

this is very Very weird

His actions or my thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:31

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:24

out of nosiness, had a female friend put her hand on your shoulder, would you have removed like this?

take hold of his arm (firmly, but not aggressively) and remove it from my shoulder

Quite possibly, yes. Maybe slightly more gently, but then that would probably have mirrored the lighter touch in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:33

CuriousMariette · 19/03/2024 10:38

You shouldn’t have needed to tell him you didn’t like being touched, but in fact you did tell him by removing his hand, which seems much nicer and less embarrassing than he deserved. We had a guy at work who liked to stand behind you and give shoulder massages (all sexes), the last time he did I “accidentally” jumped backwards in my wheeled chair hitting his feet and legs - he didn’t do it again. I think it’s a power thing and his ego is bruised. Are you going to respond?

I let him have it with both barrels. I was furious at being called rude for asserting my own bodily autonomy.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:36

TigBitss · 19/03/2024 10:58

I am quite obviously in the minority here, but as a woman I wouldn't even flinch if I was chatting in a group conversation and someone put their arm on my shoulder. I'm definitely not saying you shouldn't have moved him, you have totally done right by you, but I feel like I'm questioning myself that this wouldn't bother me but I'm the only one saying that 🙈🙈

That's absolutely your prerogative and you don't have to question yourself. It's a totally individual thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:37

FOJN · 19/03/2024 11:19

It was a colleague, not a friend.

Would the hypothetical woman send a furious email complaining about OP's rudeness?

In my experience most women would immediately apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable.

As a PP pointed out the power dynamics are different, the furious email suggests the male colleague is very aware of this.

Show quote history

Actually it's a friend not a colleague! But otherwise I agree with what you said.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:41

mewkins · 19/03/2024 14:37

I would think it really odd if I were chatting with colleagues or in any sort of professional capacity and someone was touching someone else, whatever sex they are. It would jar and everyone would notice because it isn't acceptable workplace behaviour.

It wasn't a workplace. I should have been clearer, but I meant it wasn't a party or other social gathering. It was more formal.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:43

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 15:28

Send the message to HR and have them deal with him for you. He should not have touched you. He should not be passively aggressively demanding an apology. He is trying to manage you so he can do it again.

I wouldn't say it was very passive!

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 20:50

Then definitely take it further Flowers

oneinamillieon · 19/03/2024 21:33

i think you handled it very reasonably and maturely.

Noseybookworm · 19/03/2024 22:30

Do you mean he put his hand on your shoulder or that he came up and put his arm around your shoulders? If he's a close friend, I probably wouldn't mind but I guess it depends on how well you know him. He was unreasonable to send you a stroppy text though!

Original poster
niadainud · 19/03/2024 22:45

Noseybookworm · 19/03/2024 22:30

Do you mean he put his hand on your shoulder or that he came up and put his arm around your shoulders? If he's a close friend, I probably wouldn't mind but I guess it depends on how well you know him. He was unreasonable to send you a stroppy text though!

He sort of dropped his hand down from above so it landed and rested on my shoulder. Not hugely objectionable in itself, but I just didn't want it there.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 19/03/2024 22:59

niadainud · 19/03/2024 22:45

He sort of dropped his hand down from above so it landed and rested on my shoulder. Not hugely objectionable in itself, but I just didn't want it there.

Show quote history

Fair enough. It sounds like you dealt with it without a big fuss so it was pretty unreasonable of him to take offence!

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 19/03/2024 23:21

Had he replied to you?

Interested to see what he has to say

Newestname002 · 20/03/2024 03:00

@niadainud

I let him have it with both barrels. I was furious at being called rude for asserting my own bodily autonomy.

Good! Maybe this will make him think twice in future about doing anything similar again. He should have apologised instead of being furious and entitled. 🌹

moonfacer · 20/03/2024 04:48

IncompleteSenten · 19/03/2024 09:22

If you'd have told him to move his hand, he would have been just as angry.

Don't apologise. Tell him to not put his arm round people in future.

Exactly. The ONLY acceptable outcome for this twat would have been you allowing him to do whatever he wants.

GRex · 20/03/2024 04:59

niadainud · 19/03/2024 20:33

I let him have it with both barrels. I was furious at being called rude for asserting my own bodily autonomy.

Show quote history

Good for you. This is the only way he can learn.

Catsmere · 20/03/2024 05:12

He's no friend, OP, he's just outed himself as a creep.

He reminds me of a friend's sleazy BiL thirty years ago - planted his hand on my back when I was bending to get something (so didn't see him about to do it) and complained furiously to my friend when I said "Take your hand off my back." "Nobody's spoken to me like that since my first wife!" were his words and the fucker wanted an apology. He didn't get one. Nor should this "friend" of yours.