Did/Would/Should you contribute to the cost of your engagement ring?

[ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees]

Just curious what people think?

I think it's a bit outdated to think the proposer should cover the full cost when it's a joint decision to get married.

I've had two engagement rings and didn't contribute to either, nor would I have expected to then.

Now, however- if DP and I ever choose to marry, I wouldn't have an engagement ring (don't really wear jewellery tbh) but we would get damascus wedding bands and pay for them together.

No, but I gave DH a very nice watch on our wedding day (which probably cost more than my ring) and I felt like that ‘evened’ things out.

We had bought a house together, shared finances, and discussed getting married and agreed on the date as we wanted it to coincide with a holiday. We went shopping for rings together and all our money is joint so it makes no difference.

Joint decisions are important to us as a family, and I’m glad we began as we have carried on, joint contribution to the household, housework, childcare, etc.

The first time around I gave him the diamonds from a family ring. Second time he paid for the modest ethically sourced ring. I’m not a huge believer in expensive diamonds having grown up in Africa.

I am not the best person to comment as we never bothered with an engagement ring, 4 weeks from deciding to get married to getting married there didn't seem a point!

But if dh had proposed and produced a ring I wouldn't have expected to contribute, I also would not expect to pick/choose the ring or determine the budget. I am not generally a material person and would have accepted an engagement ring as a sentimental piece that is given as a symbol of a proposal/promise, not a material piece of jewellery.

I guess it all comes down to the type of person you are and if showing off a flashy ring is more important to you than the meaning of the ring.

We had shared finances and getting married was a discussion rather than a surprise, so rings were purchased with our regular money.

I'd choose a different ring if I had my time again though. Want a bigger rock

At the point most people get engaged you have likely been living together as partners for some time and think of your income as joint even if technically seperate so it probably doesn't matter or will be offset by something else

I think the main thing with engagement rings is there should be no meanness.

The recipient should not be demanding something that is simply not affordable even if saved specifically for. The giver should not be trying to spend as little as possible purely out of resentment that they are having to spend money on something or someone who is not important to them

I share your outlook OP. The idea that a man buys a costly ring for a woman when they get engaged is clearly iniquitous, because it's not balanced. And it obviously emerges from all kinds of sexist history, such as the fact that when the modern concept of engagement rings was born, most women couldn't have bought their husbands a gift in return, or contributed to the ring themselves, because they weren't financially independent. Interestingly, when you look at eg royal engagements in the past, the couple would genuinely exchange tokens, because obviously BOTH of them were wealthy (a king would marry a princess etc).

Even the fact that women get and wear engagement rings whereas men do not is an inherently gendered behaviour. If I got married, I wouldn't have an engagement ring, for this reason.

.. .but, for all this, I have to remind myself that everyone can make their own decision as a couple, and it doesn't make any difference to us as individuals what other people choose to do. That's what's great about this subject. Unlike many others, what one couple choose to do doesn't make any difference to what others choose to do.

So if you see things this way, you and your fiancé can split the cost. Another couple can have the man carry the whole cost. And it's best not to interfere or comment on friends' etc choices, as it only leads to upset around such a personal and emotional issue.

This is not far off what we did, and is certainly our mindset.

I don't get @qpz 's thinking at all.

Once we decided to get married, we went shopping together for a ring that I was going to wear. At that stage in our lives, I was by far and away the higher earner, so why would a joint decision like getting married, need to cost my (then) dp money, when he didn't have any, and I did ?
We are equal partners in life. We aren't living in the 19th century.

Hmmm. My long term partner asked me this weekend if I would consider using some of the jewelry I already own to remodel into an engagement ring. I'm torn - we've been together for a decade, we're 50, the jewelry is sat in a drawer, he would pay for it to be modeled to my design. I think I'm good with that.

Sounds like a great idea if you're not wearing the jewelry and not particularly attached to it in its current form. It won't even necessarily be a particularly cheap option, but will be something bespoke and personal.

Agree @pinkspeakers

No because I didn’t even know DH was going to propose so technically not really a joint decision initially but I did say yes 🙃

Depends entirely on the situation.

In our situation, DH was working, I was a SAHM and was in charge of all the accounts. I also had all the savings in my name to put down as a house deposit after we were married (the majority of the savings were saved by me anyway)

When he proposed we sat down and decided what was reasonable to spend on x, y and z, which included the engagement ring. The money came from savings, but then he'd contributed to them too.

So in our situation I suppose you could say I contributed to the engagement ring.

If the situation was different and Id been working FT and not had a child already, I would in NO WAY whatsoever contribute to my own engagement ring.

You should pay towards it if you want something more expensive/flashier than ordinary IMHO

I don't even have one, just a wedding ring.

Literally no point in the ring or the engagement. Surely this is old fashioned now??

No I didn’t contribute and I’d be fucking miffed if he had suggested it. I didn’t get get him a present, although I did pay for the slap-up dinner the night he had proposed.

No, no and no. I also wouldn't expect to pay or go halves on a first date and I don't care if it an outdated opinion.

No. I bought him a watch though to even things up a bit.

I can see that if you want a more expensive ring than your boyfriend can afford, it'd make sense to chip in.

I didn’t get an engagement ring and bought both of our wedding rings because DH was skint.

It might well be cheaper to buy a new ring ( seriously)!

It takes a lot of time to make new jewellery from old. From the jewellers point of view it is much easier to start with fresh materials.

Reusing sentimental stones is one thing but having to melt down and reform used precious metals takes a lot of time and effort and if it's mixed or the quality is uncertain it may not be usable at all. In that case, I send it to a refiner and give the customer a credit against new clean stock.

I know what you mean, OP. I earn more than DH and it did feel odd that he randomly had to shell out ££ for me because the two of us had decided to get married. I reasoned it was OK as my parents contributed a lot to our wedding fund, so I feel it evened out across the families in the end (we're from similar backgrounds in terms of wealth). But I would have felt v uncomfortable if my family were much richer than his and I earned more than him and he was still expected to come up with extra money to buy me an expensive gift! I do know someone who bought her DH an expensive watch to even things out.

I don’t think I’d want an engagement ring anyway, it’s such an outdated custom. But if I did, it would depend very much on joint finances, I wouldn’t be comfortable with such a one sided expensive gift.
But then I’d pay my way on a first date too.

We'd been together umpteen years with a house/mortgage together and fully pooled finances so in that context I contributed to the cost of my engagement ring.

We got engaged young. We chose the ring together and I paid as at the time I had more money. It cost £225 and I loved it. As the years have passed he has earned more than me and we've shared everything and he's bought me a new upgraded ring that I love even more.

We decided to get married 39 years ago and I picked out an engagement ring just few weeks before the wedding when we were chosing our wedding rings.
I paid for them all as my DH had just bought us new washing machine and tumble drier! We thought that was a fair division of finances.

My DH did give me a spectacular eternity ring for Christmas after we'd been together 15 years or so, and that is now my most special piece of jewellry especially since being widowed a couple of years ago.