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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH cant come to this

463 replies

KatieBr · 18/03/2024 07:59

So I am working away in London for a few nights (never had to before so don't really understand the rules)

DH said as neither of us have been to London, he could join me (obviously pay for his own transport) but surely he wont be able to stay in my hotel room?

OP posts:
Meanwhile33 · 18/03/2024 15:57

KatieBr · 18/03/2024 10:57

This sounds amazing, eating alone, child free, wine, BLISS

Tell him you asked and work said no, and go have your adventure! I don’t like that he told you the tube would be scary so you would then want him to come, that’s not right. I live in London and I promise the tube is not scary.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 18/03/2024 16:06

Lifebeganat50 · 18/03/2024 08:10

Does he usually question your competence as an adult in this way?

That was my first thought.

OP, you're an adult, perfectly capable to travelling about the capitol like millions of other adults. And school children.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 18/03/2024 16:13

As someone with considerable actual experience of the Tube - unlike the OP's DH - the one thing I would 'not recommend' is adding an extra body if the OP needs to travel at rush hour. Taking a chaperone will make the sardineing worse, not better, and add stress if they can't both fit on the same train.

Alone is a lot easier.

TimeandMotion · 18/03/2024 16:14

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 18/03/2024 15:18

@Hello98765 Where else in the UK can you see the same range & calibre of theatre and art?

Edinburgh.

Especially in August when it hosts the largest and most diverse festivals in the entire world.

The Fringe is only surpassed by the Olympics and the football World Cup in terms of ticketed events.

London who? Grin

Yeah, growing up in Central Scotland when we got one touring musical at a time to the Edinburgh Playhouse was just as good as having the whole West End on your doorstep, sure it was..

The Festival and the Fringe have their place but that is only 3 weeks and they are mostly amateur productions in small-scale and temporary venues. Accommodation prices also go through the roof for visitors at that time. I’m happy living in London with year-round access to world class plays and musicals and going up to Edinburgh for the Festival.

Todaywasbetter · 18/03/2024 16:14

thousands of women travel on the tube in London use a bus. If you want to see the sites. London is easy.

astarsheis · 18/03/2024 16:19

What does he expect CENTRAL London be like. I live 30 minutes away and am in CENTRAL London most days and weekends. It's not like it's a ghetto.

Apart from that, I sometimes stay in husband's room when he travels. I go off exploring and get my own breakfast and dinner. Nothing has ever been said at work. He has also travelled with me and my employer doesn't mind either as long as I don't expense for for food and drink for him. Room is apid for anyway.

TimeandMotion · 18/03/2024 16:21

SofiaSoFar · 18/03/2024 15:47

I find it a little too convenient that your partner has told you he "has to work immediately" on trips. Nearly every trip I've been on, there's been time to relax and enjoy an evening dinner/morning after/extra day at least. Often more. I would wonder why he doesn't want you with him?

No idea who you work for but an "extra day at least" and "often more" on a work trip is so far removed from reality in any business I've ever worked in that I don't think we even inhabit the same planet.

It's normal to arrive only the night before, or maybe day before if long haul, and then crack on with whatever it is.

Having worked on 6 continents for the big multinationals (oil & gas, pharma, etc) with generous travel policies, I can count on, well, one finger, the number of times there's been a full extra day at a given location after finishing, and then it was only because I didn't want to risk missing the only decent flight home after meetings in Jakarta. Even sales conferences piss-ups are well enough choreographed that there's not that much free time after the event.

You clearly never worked in, or with, the insurance industry then. We provided a service to that industry in Asia and were constantly hosting London brokers on jollies - a couple of client meetings and a day on the beach, conferences that had a day 2 finishing at 11am so they could all go off to play golf, you get the picture.

“work” is a very wide term though. Even the insurance guys would work all hours if they were coming out to deal with an actual incident, and anyone preparing for a negotiation or arbitration or the like would be working all evening in the hotel. But the training, conferences and “business development/client relationship” trips are often more relaxed.

ABetterEra · 18/03/2024 16:23

Have you got kids? Is he trying to get out of looking after them?

mitogoshi · 18/03/2024 16:33

I've done this many times, it's a way of cheap travel, sometimes if it's somewhere nice we book another night or two, dp's the boss anyway

SofiaSoFar · 18/03/2024 16:33

TimeandMotion · 18/03/2024 16:21

You clearly never worked in, or with, the insurance industry then. We provided a service to that industry in Asia and were constantly hosting London brokers on jollies - a couple of client meetings and a day on the beach, conferences that had a day 2 finishing at 11am so they could all go off to play golf, you get the picture.

“work” is a very wide term though. Even the insurance guys would work all hours if they were coming out to deal with an actual incident, and anyone preparing for a negotiation or arbitration or the like would be working all evening in the hotel. But the training, conferences and “business development/client relationship” trips are often more relaxed.

Post I quoted is talking about 'an extra day and often more' added to the trip, not an early finish and some golf or beach time.

That's not a 'normal' work trip.

SaraSosej · 18/03/2024 16:36

My DH sometimes stays with me. The rooms are double so that doesn’t make any difference to the company. I don’t mention it and they wouldn’t find out anyway. I can’t claim anything back on expenses for his food etc but can’t see the issue with staying in a room that’s already booked and paid for.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 18/03/2024 16:39

Public transport in London is easy peasy

Three things to bear in mind when using the Tube:

Stand on the right on escalators. The left side is for people who want to walk up or down.
Don't step off the escalator and stop dead in your tracks. If you need a moment to work out which direction you need to go, move to the side of the passage.
Have your ticket or card ready as you approach the barrier. Don't stop in front of the barrier and hunt through your bag for it. If you need assistance, there will be a manned gate at the end of the line of barriers.

Bag snatching, pocket picking and bag dipping are the most likely crimes in a crowded area. Have a cross body bag, keep it securely zipped and fastened with valuables at the bottom. Keep it on your lap in a busy cafe, never ever hang it on the back of the chair.

Brefugee · 18/03/2024 16:46

araiwa · 18/03/2024 08:02

No he definitely can't go.

Against company policy

Gross misconduct

roffle.

My company suggested my husband come to Korea with me. (and then they covered his breakfasts, because - no idea but we were quite happy to pay for them). And my current company suggested that on a recent trip to Berlin for a Thursday meeting that i take the day off and take DH with me for a long weekend.

Not all companies are the same, don't be daft.

TimeandMotion · 18/03/2024 17:00

SofiaSoFar · 18/03/2024 16:33

Post I quoted is talking about 'an extra day and often more' added to the trip, not an early finish and some golf or beach time.

That's not a 'normal' work trip.

But I was telling you that it was entirely normal for people in the insurance industry who used to come from London to our part of the world on work trips.

cardibach · 18/03/2024 17:15

benid · 18/03/2024 15:51

Ok but it takes me 4 hours by the fastest possible method to get to London from my house and it costs a fortune to stay there. It's just not as attractive as going elsewhere to seek culture!

And how long, including the check in time, does it take you to get to the closest mainland capital, Paris? And how expensive is it?

BusyMummy001 · 18/03/2024 17:23

As I and others have posted before, it’s fine for him to accompany you, but I am now inferring that you don’t necessarily want him to? It sounds as though he is trying to undermine you, both as an individual (London is unsafe LOL) and even as a professional. If you can bare the white lie, I would say that company policy doesn't allow it as you have a single room booked and that there will be a couple of boring evening functions you need to attend, so he would be on his own anyway….

And while you’re away, building your confidence, raising you professional profile, you can have a think about the subtext of his wanting to come and what that says about you and your marriage.

Mookie81 · 18/03/2024 17:25

Candleabra · 18/03/2024 08:12

Seems very controlling. I wouldn’t want someone accompanying me on a work trip.
If he wants you to experience London together then book a leisure trip.
London transport is well signposted and easy to use, you’ll be fine.

😂😂
Why the fuck is everything 'controlling' on here?!
Maybe he thinks it's a nice opportunity to see the sights and have a couple of nights in a hotel? Loads of people do it and how would anyone know?

Pookerrod · 18/03/2024 17:25

Actually, I’m just thinking about it now and I can’t see how any company can say no to this.

If one of my team members asked if their OH could join them on a work trip I would be hard pressed to find a justification for telling them what they can and can’t do outside of their working hours.

How can a company say whether or not you can spend an evening with your husband and even if they tried, how could they monitor that? You are entitled to a private life. They are paying for a bed in hotel as you can’t sleep at home, it’s none of their business if you choose to share that bed with someone.

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/03/2024 17:25

TimeandMotion · 18/03/2024 12:22

Ha ha, I’m Scottish and that’s nonsense!
I am a huge musical theatre fan. There is no comparison between a childhood waiting for whatever touring production was coming to the Playhouse for 5 nights versus the entire West End at my disposal now I live in London.

And no, the Festival and Fringe do not make up for it, much as I love them.

There is more to arts and culture than tickets to the Lion King.

PS I love the Lion King.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/03/2024 17:31

Mookie81 · 18/03/2024 17:25

😂😂
Why the fuck is everything 'controlling' on here?!
Maybe he thinks it's a nice opportunity to see the sights and have a couple of nights in a hotel? Loads of people do it and how would anyone know?

I was fine until I mentioned it to DH, he was like do you really want to get on the tube to central London by yourself, I wouldn't recommend it!

Because this, after the OP said no to him going, is absolutely not “it’s nice opportunity to see the sights…”

notacooldad · 18/03/2024 17:33

When a guy brings his wife it also says "cheater and she does't trust him" in my view (have definitely seen this with at least 2 of my managers).

Bit of a weird take. Every time I have been with Dh it's because he has invited me. Sometimes I fancy it, sometimes I don't. Same with DH's colleagues. DH will let me know which of the wives are going, if any. They have the same take as me, yeah, if we know it's a great hotel and a place we fancy going.

DepartureLounge · 18/03/2024 17:34

Mookie81 · 18/03/2024 17:25

😂😂
Why the fuck is everything 'controlling' on here?!
Maybe he thinks it's a nice opportunity to see the sights and have a couple of nights in a hotel? Loads of people do it and how would anyone know?

I'd have agreed except for OP's update that her DH thinks she couldn't/shouldn't negotiate the London underground solo. That's a very odd reason to accompany her, especially when he supposedly doesn't know London either. Controlling men very often hobble women by exaggerating the dangers of doing things independently.

She also mentions that it would be "bliss" to come alone and be child-free, which suggests they have children. If he's planning to join her in London so he doesn't have to do any solo parenting in her absence...well, he wouldn't be the first on MN and it sucks. And if he's planning that they should bring the kids too for the same reason, that would be totally unacceptable and would suggest he doesn't have much respect for her career imo.

BirthdayRainbow · 18/03/2024 17:39

Surely the issue is when the room was booked it was booked for one, not two? Fire regs, etc.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 18/03/2024 17:42

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Dartwarbler · 18/03/2024 17:42

KatieBr · 18/03/2024 08:07

I was fine until I mentioned it to DH, he was like do you really want to get on the tube to central London by yourself, I wouldn't recommend it!

This is bollocks. I went to London with a girlfriend when we were 15. She’d never been to London. We stayed in Kent with a distant relative, got old green line bus in each morning and used underground. We were both Yorkshire lassies but we didn’t get lost or scared once. I’ve been countless times since. My dc now lives in London, I take tube, busses etc all over when I go to see him.
it is really very hard to get lost in London. Tube is virtually foolproof as if you miss your stop, get out, cross over, come back. London public transport is a doddle compared to other cities or rural areas.
yes, there’s an element of safety on your own. But unlikely during the day and even in early evening loads of people around. You even have London transport police, the equivant of that doesn’t exist on my rural train line.

he’s just putting blocks in your mind as a “helpless woman”…I’ve travelled all over the world with work even in places like Brazil. Get yourself informed about area you’re the selling though, plan your journeys, take the sensible precautions almost all women do whenever they’re out on their own.

if he wants a cheap visit to London, fair do, but jeez to make it about protecting you is sheer gaslighting.

fwiw, you need to read your companies travel policies. Or speak to HR, AND your manager or whoever is going to approve your expenses.. You need to be very clear what you can and can’t do. Some companies are sniffy about partner travel as travel then becomes a “perk”. Others are more “you’re doing us a favour to agree to travel so if you can get something back- fair enough”. It just depends on company.

my company was ok but certain rules

  1. they would not pay for any extension to stays beyond business need (applies whether partner going or not)
  2. they would not pay anything but my airplane seat according with policies. That meant I couldn’t change times or pre book special seats to sit with partner, e.g. local cheap Europe (eg pre booking seats I’d have to cover of wanted to sit togther)
  3. they’d pay for my meals only - partner would need to pay for theirs. Simple as just ask for split bills. But my meals had to fall within company rules around alcohol etc. more complex if eating in hotel.
  4. double room supplement would need to be paid by me. Separately. And that could be an absolute pain as our booking system at work only allowed single occupancy. I’d have to then call hotel direct and make a seperate payment /booking for double occupancy

NEVER, EVER, just try to “sneak” a partner into your hotel room or a business trip. That certainly would be disciplinary event. Be upfront, ask and gain approval before you go . Sneaking someone into your hotel room is a fire risk anyway - my company would have had my bollocks for that as a health and safety breach.

BUT, in the 20 odd years I travelled with work partner only came with me 3 times (literally I must have made over 150 journeys/stays within uk, Europe and intercontinental all way to Australia, Japan etc ). And all 3 were when I first started out with work travel. I learnt very very quickly that work travel is exhausting. Your days tend to be long, packed full to get through agenda needed in shortest possible time to reduce travel costs. There’s often a lot of evening work social contact needed- again becuase you’re trying to cram building relationships into as short a time as possible. Having to “worry” about what your partner will do, whilst you’re just trying to get through day, and potentially evening and be as flexible as possible is a stress that’s not needed. There’s nothing worse than you have a tough day, arriving back at hotel at 7pm, having left at 7:30am, just exhausted, to have a partner who’s been bumming around all day enjoying themselves and now wants to paint the town red.
we soon realised that it is NOT a pleasure, there’s literally no time for leisure and we were better leaving our travel and break times to planned holidays we could both fully enjoy together.