To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

@hellobello25

BPD often comorbid with adhd and asd as they predispose people to developing it.

Good schematic of overlapping symptoms here OP.

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/misdiagnosis-monday/borderline-personality-disorder-adhd-and-autism?format=amp

Other red flags - disorganisation, no concept of time/distracted (washing in the machine, lateness), all the meltdowns… You would manage a ND 28 year old presenting as your daughter more like a 17/18 year old.

Christ op I'm sorry. That all sounds utterly heartbreaking and you sound like you have tried everything. I don't think it sounds like anything will work with her. She's got a self distruct button and i really think you wont have her long. Im sorry to say that. I think you need to start pulling back and looking after you and the rest of the families mental health. You can't do anymore for hers.

It sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Its a difficult condition to treat.

I have had a lazy ungrateful adult son in my home, best thing i ever done is throw him out. It was the making of him. Your child is nearly 30 years of age, what was your life like when you were 30? Now put her out and stop enabling her to act like a spoiled teenager or continue to live they way you are, the choice is completely yours.

OP I'm so sorry, whatever she is going through and whatever the reasons for it, from now on all that compassion you've been wasting on her needs to be turned inward towards self-preservation. This is going to be really tough for you, but you just have to let her get on with her self-destructive life. In moments of weakness, remind yourself that you must do it for the sake of your other children.

Not everyone who "does drugs" becomes an addict or a complete twat. I went through a late adolescence in my 40s when I discovered all kinds of drugs and for a few years had some pretty eye-opening experiences. I met some amazing people and some awful people. I'd say coke tended to be used more among the latter. It gives you a false arrogance that can mask reality, so cowardly people can't cope with it wearing off.

I wish I could wave a wand and make all this less painful for you, but the only way out is through I'm afraid. You're going to have to lock the door and grit your teeth and hug your husband and accept that she might or might not end up OK, but you have done everything you can (and more) and the only way to help her is to stop. From now on, the rest is up to her.

It sounds like you have done all you can and a whole lot more.

There is no helping someone who refuses to help themselves.

Tough love is the only option left open to you. Send a message from both you and your DH to say that you love her, but you cannot have her under your roof any longer due to her behaviours. Tell her that as she is now homeless she will need to seek housing through the council and that you cannot help her with money.

Spell out that she is on her own now and you hope she is able to turn her life around.

Change the locks.

Do not answer the phone to her.

Do not answer the door to her (and make sure that everyone else in your family is aware of what's going on and what the new rules are).

If she comes banging on the door and refusing to leave you may have to call the police.

Doing this is really really hard and will take a great deal of courage from you and your DH. Her life may well get worse before it gets better.

You may need to seek out family counselling for you, your DH, and your other children.

One of my siblings was an addict, so I have first-hand experience of the havoc they wreak.

Good luck.

^ Waht @Sicario just said

Your DH is right! Enough is enough!

I think the only thing you have done wrong to loving her t

You are nice, calling someone an animal. People aren’t animals, she is a human being with a mental health issue, with a boyfriend who sounds as if he supplying her with drugs, and who possibly can’t see a way out of this.

OP, I don’t know what the answer is. I have a friend with a similar adult child and they have done everything they can to help him, including setting him up in a flat and sending him to rehab but nothing has helped. I think there comes a time where you have to let them stand on their own two feet, even if that has disastrous consequences, and hope they can start to turn their life around. It must be so painful for you though.

I offer only sincere sympathy. I have posted many times about my DD18 who displays similar though currently less horrific behaviour. It is terrifying. I am seeking counselling for myself as I feel on the edge of a breakdown due to it all. I urge you to do the same. I am also in the process of trying to find someone to offer some family mediation in an attempt to improve the broken family dynamic. Wishing you all the best. One day, people tell me, things will be better. I don't find that helpful at all in the midst of the drama though

I have one friend who went through this exact situation and another going through it. When it gets to this stage it’s the siblings that begin to suffer. They’re being abused and it’s so unfair on them. Friend now has fractured relationships with two children whilst the out of control one still hasn’t changed. Current friend isn’t taking onboard experiences of other friend and it’s like watching a repeat.

Drugs and/or mental health issues.
she might be self medicating.
She needs professional help.

Tryingtobeagoodie · Today 03:54

Oh gosh, poor all of you. I feel very sorry for you. Please nobody flame me, but I actually feel very sorry for her too. She sounds profoundly miserable. As others have said, probably drugs. I don't have personal experience of drug abuse, but I had a work colleague once, who was a reformed drug addict. She confided in me, and it sounded like she was totally out of control for a while, probably much like your daughter. She actually got worse before she got better (I'll spare you those details) But, she did eventually turn it around, and ended up being a very thoughtful contributing member of society. So there's lots of hope. I really do wish you all well. Take care x

This ^ You need to stop enabling her, and I hope the shock of being thrown out, especially if the bf doesn't want her moving in either, might finally jolt her into changing her behaviour. Your other DC must come first now.

Been there, not quite the same. DD sacked from living in job,her own fault. Ran me up huge phone bill. Landline only in those days,was disconnected. Came in late at night with friends,noisy eating food I couldn't afford. Borrowing money,out all night clubbing,on the sofa asleep all day. Doing nothing, brought with her a nasty vicious undoctered tom cat who peed on my sofas and beds. No attempt to get a job. I can't remember how long I put up with it.in the end, gave her a week to look for a job (she had a sports car, I didn't even have a car) she didn't bother,was 21. Told me she'd end up on drugs, living on the streets. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, but she was bleeding me dry, mentally, physically and money wise. She took some years, sorted herself out, progressed up the Banking ladder,then big managerial roles. A few years ago, apologized to me for her behaviour in her teens and twenties. Going through something similar with her own DS, who attacked her physically and she threw him out to go and live with his dad at 14

But she needs to want the help, and that's not the case right now.

Change the locks. Tell her to go down to the council and that you'll speak to her in a few weeks/months when she starts to sort her life out.

With drug addicts you MUST be direct and blunt, they MUST hit rock bottom before they get that much needed wake up call.

Speaking from experience here. If you keep helping her, she'll never get out of this cycle.

I don’t know what drugs this woman is taking but if it is cocaine then she doesn’t have adhd

cocaine + adhd = Getting stuff done, applying for jobs, tidying and cleaning her room (and the rest of the house)

Cocaine has a completely different affect on the ADHD brain.

I do think that unless you let your Dd hit rock bottom then she isn’t going to start to sort herself out.

It is a case of giving her the tools to help herself eg. How to apply for social housing, benefits, the Entitled To website, information on the Freedom programme, and on Co morbid relationships. How to access counselling and rehab when she wants it and where to go for debt advice then watching from afar and not stepping in to rescue her from debt, homelessness and drug addiction

Only your Dd can do that.

Given when this started have you had her hormones monitored. Not just a single blood test but one that tracks her cycle.

For as long as you keep enabling her @CantPutUpWithItAnymore this will continue, and worsen. You can't let her move back in. Shes 28, you've did enough for her at the expense of the happiness of everyone else in the house. Stick to your guns, tell her you're willing to support her in practical ways, but not financially and not whilst living in the family home.

Hard as it must be, I think you need to let her hit rock bottom. She sounds like she has addiction problems as well as mental health problems. She won’t seek help or recognise the need to while you keep enabling her lifestyle.

Sorry to be blunt. My heart honestly goes out to you ❤️

It does sound like there was some trauma in her teen years. She hasn't matured past that age mentally. She's stuck there.

She may not tell you or anyone else if something happened to her, not everyone does.

I've no advice though 😕 she needs to engage with people who are trying to help her, but you cannot force her, as you've seen.

She needs to hit absolute rock bottom. You not taking her back in and sorting out her problems may be what she needs, however it could potentially be dangerous.

Really bloody tough situation.

Hey!

I can see how this situation might be really scary and stressful for you as a parent.

On one hand, you love your child unconditionally. On the other, you need to worry about your own safety.

Everything you've mentioned about your daughter has touched on some red flags for me, as someone with lots of knowledge and experience of mental illness.

I'm not a medical professional, but many of her behaviours sound like they could fit BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder):

• unstable relationships (breaks up, goes back, rinse and repeat)
• drug abuse (incredibly common for people with BPD)
• sudden mood changes like the flip of a switch
• impulsivity (including wasting money)

Feel free to google BPD and see if you're able to recognise some of the signs in her!

It's important to recognise that if she is mentally unwell, it is not necessarily your fault. Even if it was caused by trauma (which can be a precursor for BPD as an example), you don't know what the source could be.

The important thing is that you TRY and get help for her. If it is something you are able to do, it could very possibly be life-changing for your daughter to go into inpatient care (for a little while!) so that she can start getting the help she needs. Now, of course, if you do everything you can on your end (keeping your safety in mind too!) then there might just be nothing else you can do but ask her to leave.

It is an impossible thing to consider kicking out your own child, but it might end up being just what she needs. If she has to stand on her own two feet she might be able to admit she needs some help, and that would be a very good first step for her.

I wish you luck and I hope things work out well for you all xx

Time for tough love @CantPutUpWithItAnymore. She needs to realise that her behaviour has consequences, even if she does have mental health issues.

And you and your dh deserve a life in which you are not being abused.

I don't think it sounds like the drugs are the issue tbh. Drug addicts don't spend loads of money on clothes and they can't hold down well-paid jobs even for five minutes. She probably is just doing them socially, but for some people, 'socially' can be every night. Could be a personality disorder but it's pointless speculating really, only professionals can make that diagnosis.

Regardless of what the reason for her behaviour is, as others have said, you are enabling it. She is 28 years old, she should have moved out of home and been making her own way in life long before this. You have other children and need to think of the impact all this is having on her. Tough love is what's needed at this stage. You have to stop solving her problems for her so that she starts solving them herself.

You can't help people who don't want to be helped it just doesn't work. She needs to hit rock bottom and realise this herself this can only be done if you take a step back and stop fixing her problems.