To not let adult daughter in back in the house?

[CantPutUpWithItAnymore]

Age 28. Just lost the 4th job in a row, owes us £000s despite living at home rarely paying rent and having well paid jobs when she’s working, constantly angry and abusive, tells me she’s going to knock me out and wants me dead, won’t do a thing around the house or even take her own washing out of the machine, leaves mess everywhere, wastes dinners that have been cooked for her, has constant screaming rows with her boyfriend on phone in house that whole street can hear even at 2-3am. She can be fine one minute then flips like a switch into a foul mouthed, screaming banshee

She’s been on drugs (denies still being on them but that’s a lie), will bugger off for days at a time to stay at bfs but refuses to move out, heavy drinker socially, sleeps all day when she’s at home which is why she keeps losing jobs as always late and when working from home, logs on then goes back to bed!

We have put up with this for bloody years hoping desperately she’ll sort herself out. She’s obviously got serious mental health issues but wont seek help or take advice. She’s got physical medical issues which we believe are from stress as she’s constantly angry and stressed out. She also constantly threatens to kill herself. We’ve done everything we possibly can to support her - sat in A&E with her all night, paid for therapy, paid off her debts, helped her find jobs.

She’s in a really toxic relationship, keeps breaking up with him then going back, he’s done awful things to her but she won’t cut him off. It is so distressing. Constantly crying about how he treats her and we’ve told her again to again to end it. She’s a beautiful girl and could have anyone but keeps going back as we think he’s supplying her with drugs.

Came back crying about him on Friday (after spending the week at his in bed all day while he was at work, not applying for jobs). DH said if she’s goes back to him again, we wash our hands of her. She said she’s finally done.

She was in bed from Friday night at 8pm to Saturday 6pm. Hadn’t eaten anything (regular occurrence). Then she thunders about getting ready saying she’s going to a booked event with him as already paid for. She also ordered clothes to wear that she didn’t get up to answer door for delivery then started swearing that no one answered the door. She was fired 4 weeks ago. No money. I’d cleared her debts (£3k) in Jan as she said she was stressed about them, insisted her job was safe (it wasn’t as she was having disciplinary meetings), she was sorting herself out, split with bf (for a week) and she would be giving me most of her wage to pay me back. She paid a small amount then got sacked!

So she spent more money on clothes to go out (and drinking and probably drugs)! We said she shouldn’t be spending money when she doesn’t have a job.

She could have saved thousands by now to move out and put a deposit on her own place but has nothing. Even her clothes are all cheap stuff, her room’s a tip full of rubbish and dirty crockery. She drives one of our cars(needed for work), but wouldn’t contribute to insurance. We’ve taken it back now. I just cannot believe it. She could have had a lovely life but she’s pissing it all way.

DH said if she goes out, she’s not coming back. MassIve argument. She goes. We tell her to move with bf and we’re done. Boyfriend says she can’t live with him (he has his own property but doesn’t want her to). We say she needs to go to council then and her stuff is in garage.

Despite all this I’m so worried about her. Even worried today that’s she’s safe at bfs or did they have a row and he’s dumped her somewhere which has happened before. They were going to a city nearby and don’t know if she had money for a cab or was out of it on drugs/drink. She’s not answering phone.

DH is furious and says she’s not his daughter anymore and he wants nothing more to do with her. I want her out too as the effect she has in the household is horrendous. Even fighting with younger siblings and swearing at them. They have been massively affected by her behaviour.

I know she is in a really bad state though and am terrified as to how she’ll end up.

AIBU to say enough is enough?

Msy delete this if DM pick it up!

I don't have any answers as to what you can for your daughter - it sounds like your ALL really struggling, hurt and angry (DH) - which is understandable.

I would advise that you go to thearpy for yourself, this will help and you can do a self referral through NHS - you've been through so much emotionally.

Otherwise, I would suggest contract drug abuse organisations that can give you support and understanding. Untill someone walks in the shoes you are wearing they have no idea.

I hope your family get the right support they need.

Take care.

Could you contact the crisis team yourself and explain and give her number, and partner’s address. If they see fit then she could get a welfare check to put your mind at ease. If her partner is violent to her she police should be made aware and although right now she might not engage, I found the freedom programme (I think it’s changed name now) very useful. My DM has been enabling my dsis who is now 38 and still the same so you taking her back won’t change. The most progress my dsis has made has been during the weeks she’s pushed my dm to breaking point and my dm hasn’t spoken to her for a few weeks. Then they make up and the cycle begins again. Tough love is needed. I feel for you so much though as I have been the one picking up the pieces where my dm has been physically ill with stress. Your dh as harsh as he’s being is taking the right approach and when things settle down and she has to stand on her own 2 feet, I’m sure she won’t be still disowned by him. It’s so difficult when it’s someone you love. You should engage with these. (I hope I’ve done it right, I’m new to this)
https://al-anon.org/

This.

OP - could anything have happened that you aren't aware of which has built up this rage?

Puberty certainly is a time for many young people to become angry, abusive, and just bliddy hard work, but they usually come through it. Did she start taking drugs/ drinking a lot then?

I'm wondering if she could have been sexually assaulted and felt she couldn't tell anyone - possibly even blaming you for not "guessing" what happened and protecting her. This could have caused her to self-medicate with drugs and drink - and it could also have left her with such low self-esteem that she allows her BF to treat her so appallingly.

This is pure speculation, of course - drugs alone can cause this sort of behaviour.

I agree with others, though - you have to cut her loose for the sake of your other children. You might be prepared to tolerate this for yourself, but she is poisoning the lives of your other children.

An awful situation to be in. You'll always love her - she's your child. My heart aches for you.

Edit for spelling

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP, but it seems to me that your daughter needs some serious help but doesn't realise or acknowledge that. Until she does, she won't change.

Imo you need to put your other children first, which means she has to leave the family home and not return until she is clean and sober. She will probably need some professional support with her mental health, too. And these things won't be a quick fix, not least because she appears to be unable to accept that she needs to change.

Pack up her stuff, tell her she needs to go, change the locks and give her contact details for local homelessness, drug and alcohol organisations.

I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family, OP. Know that you have done everything in your power to help her, now, even though it breaks your heart, you have to let her go.

It’s very easy for us to suggest this though. I can’t imagine being in this same situation with DS (17). Every inch of our being always wants to protect our DC, however old they are. For you to protect your DD now though I really do think you have to let her go.

She’s 28 - time for her to make her own way. She’d not made progress in her life while she’s been tied to the apron strings. Perhaps independence will be what she needs to get herself better.

She's a woman and behaving very badly. Yes your husband is correct to kick her out. She can either live with her boyfriend, or go to the council and present herself as homeless. You cannot keep living this way. She will never change, until she hits rock bottom. You've spent years molly coddling her, and it's made her worse. She doesn't fear losing her job, because mum and dad will help me. Don't worry about her, she will be absolutely fine. Do not let her back home again.

Well done on ending the enabling, it sounds so tough.

Highly reccomend this podcast by Gabor Mate on trauma, addiction and healing.

Have you saught therapy for yourself to address the impact of your traumatic childhood? This will have impacted you profoundly, and the way you parent. Trauma is intergenerational. You can still be an amazing, loving parent yet unknowingly pass on trauma in ways you may not even be aware of.

If it’s drugs does she need rehab? I’m so sorry she is going through this as well as you.

Rehab costs at least 12K round here, and only works when they admit there’s a problem they want to fix. That’s the hardest part

First of all, I am really sorry for all of you. Nobody should live like this, not her nor you.

I understand that how hard is closing the door to her is incredibly hard for a mum but it is the right thing to do. It is, actually, the only way you can help her right now.
At the moment, you (your husband and you) are enabling her behaviour. She really needs to loose that. And some people they need to hit rock bottom to change, they won’t find the motivation otherwise.
Trust me, kicking her out is part of her recovery. Be strong.

I'm sorry for the other children in the house. I can't imagine what life is like for them, and the fear and stress they must be under when she's there.

It's their turn to be prioritised now. She has to go.

It's not just your driving that's terrible.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

She has to go, for the sake of her siblings.

She needs to grow up. Follow through with your plan, it’s not worth risking your marriage and happiness for a dd who will not care anyway.
and stop paying off the debts. You are encouraging her to get into debt if you keep bailing her out.

The terrible truth is that you can’t stage an intervention for someone who does not want it.

I’ve been there with someone who made themself and everyone around them miserable but simply would not recognize all this or seek support.

It’s incredibly painful, incredibly, and realizing there is nothing you can do unless they want to accept help and work to change is a terrible realization.

What happens to your daughter will happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Make it clear that if she wants to engage with professional support you will help her with that. Make it clear you love her. Make it clear you are always there for her to talk to. But also make it clear you can’t have her back due to her behaviour.

I'd say she does need support for sure but there's nothing in the system that will actually help, the services are an absolute state & are really only going to help (possibly) in an emergency - they won't see this as high risk because you are involved, she has family support as far as they're concerned.

She also sounds like she's in a crisis, has failed at keeping her job, is using drugs & in a toxic relationship.
Can I ask what was it that tipped it? The going back to the boyfriend? Things seem to have come to a head?
You could try getting advice from adult social care? Or MIND perhaps? Despite what other users suggest it does sound like she's suffering from mental health issues. Possible addiction, mood swings etc
I can see why you're worried.

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this, your dd included. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you all. Yes, please do put up this boundary and not let her back in your home. For you, your other dcs and for her. Things may get a lot worse before they get better. I really hope she manages to turn her life around.

I had a longer post but it’s disappeared.

@CantPutUpWithItAnymore have you considered she may have autism or adhd?

Several things ringing bells for me - usually girls mask well until the teens, then it can be disastrous and the 20s are like an extended adolescence. Her immaturity, lack of emotional regulation, relationship issues, drug use, money mismanagement, repeated job loss, persistent exhaustion and burn out are all red flags.

Of course some adults are simply terribly badly behaved, and the drug use complicates matters.

The reason it’s important for you to assess if any ND is that if she is the strategies for resolving her issues would be different, as would be strategies for interacting with her. Support structures relative to counselling, addiction treatment, benefits and other supports are also different. Ie. She won’t improve if you are trying to treat her as A, if she is B.

Take 5 minutes to read a page or two about either condition, if you feel there are clear indicators, contact a local autism and or ADHD charity for advice. Asd in girls by Sarah Hendrickx helps explain presentation in girls.

Sorry you're living this nightmare OP. Sounds like you know things have to change as the attempts to support her aren't working, she's refusing to help herself by engaging with support services, and ultimately you're inadvertently enabling her behaviours by bailing her out. But when faced with someone you love who is clearly vulnerable threatening suicide, continuing in an abusive relationship, using god knows what drugs, it's so, so hard to leave them to sink or swim.

Can you get some support for yourself (and dh) in navigating this? Local family carers org may offer support, and or speak to crisis mh team, GP. I imagine you've already engaged with these over the years.

You might get more targeted support here: www.pegsupport.co.uk

OP, I'm sorry. You and your DH have really tried.
Your dd is completely dysregulated. She's well into adulthood, you can't force her to live a peaceful life.
This terrible decision, to wash your hands of her, might be the only alternative to letting her ride roughshod over your family until there is nothing left.

I was with you at the "she's 28". Unless there's some mutually agreed and firm plan (like, this is the best way to save up for a house deposit), a 28-year-old should not still be living at home.

OP have you heard of borderline personality disorder? All of the things you have described seem to fit. Hope she can get the help she needs.

Ask her to move out. Don't pay off her debts, they are in her name.

She is an adult who has worked so can fund herself. I think that perhaps living with you without paying rent is enabling her bad behaviour to you and enabling her lifestyle - there is no reason for her to get of drugs and keep her job if she has a free house and food.

Change the locks if you have too. She has to learn respect.