Portion size and DH - crumb of perspective needed

[BakedPotato10]

Name changed

My Husband's done all the cooking today as I'm working on a project - not unusual, we share the life stuff depending who is free.

He made me sourdough and egg this morning for breakfast, around 500 calories I'd say. I've not eaten since and then he made this for dinner at 5ish.
For context, I used to have a physically active job and so have gained weight since being desk based. Peri menopause and increased stress have further cemented bad habits but I am actively working on better routines.

I had a 'feast or famine' childhood with periods of food shortage and food not always equally shared (not abusive, just not positive relationships with food) and so I'm very open to the possibility I'm projecting as I know I struggle with food shortages and dislike greed - maybe I just haven't noticed it in myself until now? But I am also conscious that I don't want further food issues, I eat a lot of fruit and veg and value a good relationship with food. Lately it's feeling quite stressful when I'm with DH.

I do feel that DH portions and attitude to food (increasingly smaller portions, usually only ever 2 meals a day at weekend, referring to food as 'naughty' etc) have only begun since I put on weight. But I'm aware my appetite might just have crept right up and I'm the one who's changed, not him. I feel like I'm being dieted and it's triggering food issues. So I'd like a little perspective please.

YABU - That's plenty of food for a day. Sourdough and egg, jacket potato with chickpea in mayo (a veggie version of tuna mayo) with salad

YANBU - That's not much food for a day.

I’d have been fine with the 2 meals but definitely would have eaten snacks in between. Mainly chocolate because sadly I’m addicted to it. But if being healthy, some fruit.

I think the strangest thing isn't the portion size but that you and your husband didn't communicate over what he was making at any point. "I'm absolutely ravenous because I missed lunch" from you; "I'll make dinner, shall I do a jacket potato and salad" from him. Then if you feel that won't be enough you can top it up with something else without being disappointed.

(The portion size would be fine on some days, not fine on others, there isn't a strict norm.)

(I couldn't be doing with his comments about naughty food though. Eating shouldn't make you feel guilty, food isn't naughty. I'd tell him to cut that out, then stuff my face with cake.)

I get where you’re coming from. I haven’t had eating issues myself but I’ve had friends and relatives who have and that kind of language still makes me uncomfortable. I’d ask him nicely to stop.

I weigh 98kg, that is a completely normal meal for me.

As above it would be a fine evening meal for me, I do most of our cooking, I don’t change our meal plans if my husband has decided to skip a meal, he’s a grown up, so if he’s still hungry thats something he can solve himself.

When someone puts a plate of food in front of you, the correct response is 'Thank You'. Not happy with the food? That's your problem, it's up to you to sort it out.

I'd eat double that meal but I train a lot.

I have an eating disorder, I find it very hard to eat every day even once.

But I feed my kids normally, I feed guests normally as I know what a normal meal looks like I just cant eat one but when I saw that picture even I thought "Fuck, is that it?!"

That to me is a lunch, it is not a dinner. If you speak to him he will say he thought it was enough and make some bullshit excuse. So next time you cook, give him the same sort of portion he gave you today and when he mentions it say "Oh well you said that a small potato with a toppping was enough so I assumed you had decided to eat less!"

Honestly how a jacket potato with chickpeas? Even if it was an absolutely enormous potato? I am not being confrontational or trying to be mean, I really don't understand? That dinner is about 500 calories at best

About a third of a woman's recommended daily intake?

Forget what your eyes say, what does your body say? Were you still hungry after eating it?

I would be more concerned about my husband using the word ' naughty ' in relation to food - what are you 2 years old ?

and a 5pm meal would be a late lunch for me, and I would then have dinner later on i.e. 8pm onwards.

But then if he is in the habit of only eating 2 meals at a weekend, you now know to go into the kitchen at lunchtime and sort yourself some lunch.

It’s fine for dinner IF you are eating 3 meals. Your metabolism will go to shit if you are not eating enough. I would recommend that you grab a protein shake somewhere in the day to fill you up and increase your metabolism. (And what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.)

I practice a carnivorous only diet so this type of food is not recommended for weight loss in our community

But even for a standard diet this day's worth of food was carb heavy & lacking in protein

Sourdough for breakfast topped off with a potato slathered in chickpeas

While it's a decent amount of food f or a sedentary person of our age, the wrong food choices (or offerings in this case) are the downfall

It's unsurprising to experience a blood sugar drop & to feel cranky come dinner time when eating this way

If a partner is cooking not just one but 2 meals for their significant other then it's good practice to express gratitude for their effort in order to nurture a harmonious relationship.

If, after advising them that a larger serve is required they will have the option to either just cook more next time, or they may choose that moment to address an ongoing weight issue.

By voicing the desire to have an increased portion, the partner is afforded the opportunity to react in a positive way & gives the partner the benefit of the doubt in regards to their motive behind the provided portion size.

her breakfast was 500kcal.

this is NOT an extra 1000kcal.

500 max.

YANBU. This is lunch portion, OP.

You are an autonomous being, if you are hungry, eat some more food.

A slice of sourdough, buttered, with a medium egg is only 300 cals.

Large baked potato (about 300g) is around 291 cals, mixed salad approx 75cals, chickpea mayo 250 at most.

So the whole day would be under 1000. No wonder you were hungry.

I would find him referring to food as 'naughty' and trying to control my food intake extremely irritating. You need to speak to him and tell him to stop.

It doesn’t seem like enough food for a day to me, maybe 1000 calories? I probably eat between 1500 and 2500 calories a day but I do a lot of sport. Even on days when I’m not doing much, 1000 calories really wouldn’t be enough. It’s not all about weight, it’s getting the nutrients your body needs.

Mumsnet probably isn’t the best place to ask this question tbh, a lot of the food threads are full of people with disordered eating. Mumsnet has a reputation for bordering on pro ana type posts.

I think the real question is - Why is your DH controlling how much you eat?

Even if he’s cooked that is very odd.

You had a maximum of 20 grams of protein, probably more like 15. You need around 50g per day.

And, just because it can't be repeated often enough: no foods are bad.

Unless you have an active job like a bricklayer or something, or are a professional marathon runner, then what you have listed is more than enough for a day, and your stage of life (peri/meno). Particularly if you are overweight and sedentary, and even if not I’d still say that amount of food is plenty. I say this as an obese person who eats less than this herself, and my overweight DH and slim active adult kids would probably eat roughly that in total. It’s a complete fallacy that you need 3 meals a day and especially once you reach a certain age, the amount you need really is quite small.

Agree with others, it's not the food or calories of that meal but the attitude, the smaller portions, the "naughty" label. Not easy to handle as it can all be turned back on you.

If the food's not enough, get up at the end of the meal and get some more. See what he says. If he says it's naughty, politely ask him not to do it.

I keep thinking I have missed a photo; a jacket potato with chickpeas seems to be ok for most people, I must be the greediest bollocks alive.

This thread is odd, I find the whole way you write reeks of someone with anxiety, and a poor relationship to food. Which you have said you have.

I agree with firminio : "When someone puts a plate of food in front of you, the correct response is 'Thank You'. " You can eat Ben and Jerry's or a chocolate biscuit afterwards and that's nobody else's business but your own.

'cemented bad habits', 'working or routines'. 'Being dieted'. So how have you addressed this so far? What does he say when you have conversations about this issue?

Nowhere did I suggest this was 1000kcal. If you’d read my post properly I said this would be my lunch I would then have ANOTHER meal for my dinner which would equate to 1500kcal across the 3 meals.