Portion size and DH - crumb of perspective needed

[BakedPotato10]

Name changed

My Husband's done all the cooking today as I'm working on a project - not unusual, we share the life stuff depending who is free.

He made me sourdough and egg this morning for breakfast, around 500 calories I'd say. I've not eaten since and then he made this for dinner at 5ish.
For context, I used to have a physically active job and so have gained weight since being desk based. Peri menopause and increased stress have further cemented bad habits but I am actively working on better routines.

I had a 'feast or famine' childhood with periods of food shortage and food not always equally shared (not abusive, just not positive relationships with food) and so I'm very open to the possibility I'm projecting as I know I struggle with food shortages and dislike greed - maybe I just haven't noticed it in myself until now? But I am also conscious that I don't want further food issues, I eat a lot of fruit and veg and value a good relationship with food. Lately it's feeling quite stressful when I'm with DH.

I do feel that DH portions and attitude to food (increasingly smaller portions, usually only ever 2 meals a day at weekend, referring to food as 'naughty' etc) have only begun since I put on weight. But I'm aware my appetite might just have crept right up and I'm the one who's changed, not him. I feel like I'm being dieted and it's triggering food issues. So I'd like a little perspective please.

YABU - That's plenty of food for a day. Sourdough and egg, jacket potato with chickpea in mayo (a veggie version of tuna mayo) with salad

YANBU - That's not much food for a day.

Is this what he ate himself?

Its reasonable if:
He also had this
He didn't know you skipped lunch
You'd not mentioned feeling hungry

Its unreasonable if:
He had this but with something extra added/much bigger portion
He'd had lunch & knew you hadn't
You'd said you were hungry

Fwiw i am struggling to lose weight and i appreciate DH choosing to cook smaller/lighter meals to help me.

Your food looks quite nice but it's the size of a starter!

It’s a good size lunch portion if on a diet, I mean it’s fine for lunch I’m always hungry!

I think the bigger issue is your DH policing your food…..

think it might also be he is more of a grazer whereas I am a meal time, generally no snacks, sort. that would do it.

I only added that in to give some balance and not to drip feed. Most of the time it isn't relevant because I am the main cook, out of choice, today it felt relevant as potentially colouring my vision.

Isn't it more to do with how much energy you've used today? If you're doing desk-work, chances are you've not really spent lots of energy and so won't need to replenish it. It looks tasty though!

Did he have the same for dinner?
It looks fine to me, the issue is you skipped lunch.

If I felt someone was trying to diet me I would be bulk buying Mars Bars and eating them in quantity in front of them so I understand where you are coming from.
Calling foods “naughty” would get right on my tits too.

Why don't you have a bunch of snacks in your vicinity to make sure you always feel satiated. Make crudites and have with hummus, tzakziki etc, nuts, cereal bars. If you already eat fruit as snacks then I don't see the issue. Your husband cannot control what you eat, and if you feel hungry just make something else?
If he's giving you rude vibes about your diet just ignore him. His language makes it sound like he's erring into ED himself so he's no genius on the subject.

I also think that it’s perfectly fine, a nice healthy meal and a reasonable portion size. I don’t see the problem with what you’ve eaten today, I think people have generally lost all sense of what a normal healthy diet should look like. Not a popular opinion on here though..

I mean, it’s an opinion I read on here multiple times a day so I wouldn’t consider it unpopular! There’s a really long thread running right this moment about how British people (except them of course) are fat and eat too much.

I'd eat a baked potato with salad for dinner but I'd want a steak with it (and pudding and custard).

It’s more like lunch than dinner ie a light meal

But I wouldn’t assume he was being weird, presumably he ate lunch and is cooking as if you did. I’d just have something afterwards.

If he is generally making too little food when it’s his day to cook then do tell him.

That would plus a 500 calorie breakfast couldn’t be more than 1000 calories which is not a normal amount of food for an adult, don’t be mad.

You may of course be taking the piss with the MN classic ‘people have lost site of what a normal diet blah blah

It's not really about the amount of food though is it?

Different people have different needs. My DHs needs and mine are so far apart it's laughable. I'd say he's eaten triple what I've had today and I'm fat, while he's like a rake.

It's not about that fact that on this occasion he cooked. The bar for men is low on Mumsnet and a man doing is share is practically revered and women are expected to be pathetically grateful.

It's about the unhealthy attitude he is fostering towards food, that it is sinful, an indulgence or as you said 'naughty'.

Perhaps chat to him and tell him how it is coming across. He may not even realise he's raining you if he's shoveling snacks into himself all day.

It would be a light lunch for me and I'd then need dinner too. My ex was extremely controlling around eating and it really messed my relationship with food up, possibly forever (I'm not saying needing dinner is messed up btw, more that I feel very on edge if I'm not sure I can source food for me and my kids).

Honestly I have no idea what Dh has eaten during the day, even when we are home together. I would make what I make and if Dh needed more he would add something and vice versa. The negative language around food would bother me but it may not be directed at you.

Also that looks like a small potato to me. I ate 1300 calories today and my meals looked much bigger (I only eat 2 meals a day) and yeah salad doesn’t count (I love it, ate a bucket of tabbouleh today) but no-one ever got stuffed eating a mixed leaf salad.

That's the exact issue. I work really hard to have a positive relationship with food and not see one as 'good' and another 'bad' but to to encourage we all 'eat the rainbow' - whether that's mayo slathered coleslaw or steamed broccoli. But his wording and attitude towards food is triggering me. We have a teenager, eating disorders are rife with the rise of social media. I don't want to hear "you'll never eat all that", or "oh my favourite, I like a naughty dinner".

He's a good, gentle, kind and intelligent man. I know he's not a person who would deliberately cause pain but none the less, he is.

I'll try and chat with him when I can think how to word the issue. Or he'll think it's about a jacket potato and I'll get 3 next time 😕😂

except @HungryBeagle i've NEVER seen chickpeas presented ON a baked potato and the angle of the photo looked like egg salad on toast.

Fine, but if you’d read the OP you’d have seen that that’s what it was!

Very similar to what I have so egg on toast (plus spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms or grapes with it depending on what’s in the fridge) for brunch, baked potato topping and (a much bigger) salad for tea but you’ve still skipped your lunch or the third meal? I tend to have a piece of fruit or something about 3ish and then what would have been my lunch like crackers and cheese or a sandwich and a second piece of fruit I have for supper. So yes you’ve missed an entire meal.

i am trying to get myself back on track as to when and how I eat too….toxic childhood and food being part of that as well sadly. Makes life hard as an adult and your husband is certainly making it much harder than he needs to as well. No idea why he thinks behaving like that would help.

It’s delicious I make it it’s called a deli topping in my fridge . It’s tin of chickpeas mashed, carrot and onion or other stuff mixed with mayonaise. Gorgeous on potatoes, in sandwiches or on its own 😁

@HungryBeagle and @Tbry24
it's not about me and the fact i've never seen anything presented like this despite the op's clear description.
with hungy's explanation and your's T i can see how this could work.
back to whole food/portion size.

I'd be delighted. My husband does most of the weekend meals and they are nearly always huge portions (and delicious so I can't help eating it all). I used to be able to eat tons and stay size 8 but peri and a less active post covid life and getting into the habit of stretchy clothing means I've piled on weight and I'd really like to shift it. H is a feeder - it's his love language. But I end up eating even when I'm not hungry because beautiful meals are plonked in front of me. Maybe your H is the same but with a "healthy" slant?

Weekends I often only have two meals. Mainly because I will have a later, breakfast than usual, and like you won’t feel hungry at lunch. Jacket potato and salad is a perfectly good meal and with chick peas includes protein too. But if after the potatoe you’re still hungry, listen to your stomach and have something else! A bowl of cereal? Some more of the yummy sounding sourdough?

YANBU to feel hungry - people will have peaks and lows of hunger based on loads of things and can vary day by day.

however

YABU to not take responsibility for your hunger and eat something else if you’re still hungry. I don’t think this is a DH problem (unless he is commenting on/ preventing you from eating anything else - I really hope this is not the case). It sounds like he has tried to make lovely food for you.