Portion size and DH - crumb of perspective needed

[BakedPotato10]

Name changed

My Husband's done all the cooking today as I'm working on a project - not unusual, we share the life stuff depending who is free.

He made me sourdough and egg this morning for breakfast, around 500 calories I'd say. I've not eaten since and then he made this for dinner at 5ish.
For context, I used to have a physically active job and so have gained weight since being desk based. Peri menopause and increased stress have further cemented bad habits but I am actively working on better routines.

I had a 'feast or famine' childhood with periods of food shortage and food not always equally shared (not abusive, just not positive relationships with food) and so I'm very open to the possibility I'm projecting as I know I struggle with food shortages and dislike greed - maybe I just haven't noticed it in myself until now? But I am also conscious that I don't want further food issues, I eat a lot of fruit and veg and value a good relationship with food. Lately it's feeling quite stressful when I'm with DH.

I do feel that DH portions and attitude to food (increasingly smaller portions, usually only ever 2 meals a day at weekend, referring to food as 'naughty' etc) have only begun since I put on weight. But I'm aware my appetite might just have crept right up and I'm the one who's changed, not him. I feel like I'm being dieted and it's triggering food issues. So I'd like a little perspective please.

YABU - That's plenty of food for a day. Sourdough and egg, jacket potato with chickpea in mayo (a veggie version of tuna mayo) with salad

YANBU - That's not much food for a day.

Jesus that is not a dinner, I can't believe the above responses. I'd tell him to just order a takeaway if this is what he came up with - is this what he ate himself? Not normal at all, that is not a dinner and anyone who thinks it is has food issues. He is trying to 'diet you' for want of a better way of putting it.

I’m fat, and that’s a normal sort of dinner for me. I’d have another meal in the day though.

I’d need more salad than that, otherwise it seems okay.

READ!!! the OP again. It's chickpea mayo, not egg on a jacket potato.

Poor you 😰. I need to be able to sit quietly and enjoy my food whatever it maybe and however much I need or don’t need to fill me up at that point in time.

those sorts of comments are really triggering for me too ….if I hear stuff like that (even if I’m out and say it’s someone saying it about someone else’s food on a bench near me) I stop eating completely and then later on go and raid my fridge and eat in private and no one knows what I ate. It’s all to do with my childhood and one of my parent… just didn’t realise this until my mid 40s.

Honestly, you need to talk to him about his emotive language around food. Calling a meal 'naughty' or saying "'you'll never eat all that" is really triggering to someone with food issues, even if most of the trauma is way in the past.

I had anorexia as a teenager, DH is aware, and has always been careful not to attach feelings to food or comment on how much I'm eating - I'm an adult, what I eat is my business unless I become unheathily underweight.

Sounds like you need a calm discussion with DH about his language surrounding eating.

I have so many questions.

Does he always cook for you? Are you able to make your own food? If you feel like he is trying to control your eating then I'd take back control and make my own food (I do anyway)

What would happen if you had lunch or snacked in between? Would he comment?

Does he himself have food issues? Because it sounds like he very much does.

I find this a little odd tbh. It seems a little controlling but it depends on his more general reaction to you eating. Does he comment on your food choices all the time?

My advice would be cook for yourself and have a conversation with him about not wanting any more negative food talk because you find it upsetting.

Fwiw I could easily live off this but it's unusual not to have lunch. You should have done if you were hungry.

I wouldn't accept that as a dinner even if I'd had lunch! It doesn't look like enough food for me, and I wouldn't want to top up on snacks so I'd be a bit cross about it.

Luckily my DH, who currently does all the cooking, knows to give me a decent meal in the evening.

But clearly some people do think this is enough (they probably are also the type of people who think soup is ok for dinner) so I think you just need to mention to DH that it's not what you think of as a dinner, for future reference.

I don't think you need to be grateful for a substandard meal! The whole point of cooking a meal is to give people enough to eat, and he hasn't.

I think if he's eating the same it's fine.

Sometimes we have lighter days as we are doing bugger all!

Today I had a crumpet for breakfast, carbonara for lunch & a scone for tea.

(Not lighter in calories I realise!)

YANBU. You got hungry, you need three balanced meals a day and to listen to your hunger signals.

Skipping meals is a quick way to spark a binge eating problem, especially when your relationship with food has been affected by scarcity and issues in your childhood (no judgement- I'm in a similar boat).

It's possible your DH thinks he's helping you, especially if you've told him you want to lose weight. You need to have a chat with him about it and just tell him what you're thinking. He might just want to help and will support you with whatever plan you want to follow.

IME men can be very solution-oriented and go 'You want to lose weight? I'll make you 1500 calories of food. Problem solved', without engaging properly with the problem in the first instance, i.e your body changing with your circumstances and a complex relationship with food. And he needs to know it's not working for you and is instead creating more problems.

All that said, it sounds like he is willing to help and wants to take care of you, even if he's going about it imperfectly.

It looks fine for me, I'd add more salad, maybe a small half a potato extra.

But what worries me more is how he speaks about food. Please, please explain to him how talking about food like this is triggering to you, and how your daughter is at a very vulnerable age.

Good luck with improving both your relationships with food.

I'm dieting at the minute (26lb down since New Year) and today I had:

Breakfast: 3 soft boiled eggs, two slices wholemeal toast with lurpak lighter

Snack: banana

Lunch: Subway Chicken salad (double meat and MASSIVE) with extra spicy chipotle sauce

Snack: Grapes (probably 1/2 punnet)

Dinner: Garlic Parmesan Chicken Skewers with greek flatbread, mushrooms, onions and peppers

Snack: Chocolate protein pudding

Just about to finish off my day with a cup of milky tea and 2 Rich Tea Light biscuits.

This is a pretty typical day for me and I'm losing 2+ lb per week. Oooh, forgot, I also had a gin and sparkling water with dinner.

I like my diet A LOT better than your DHs idea of one - tell him it's a shit one and won't sell.

If my DH served that for dinner, I’d be asking where the rest was. That is half a meal.
According to my dietitian, a controlled portion on a plate contains a quarter protein, a quarter carbs and half salad/veg.
Tell your DH to lift his game and stop starving you.

No food is 'naughty'.

Your husband should not be policing your food intake or habits.

What you eat or don't eat is for you to decide.

Take back control. Either cook for yourself for a while, or be clear about what you want and how much of it.

That’s the kind of meal I’d have if I’d had a large lunch earlier tbh - I know you didn’t

The food looks and sounds lovely. Portions are fine... but only if you have three meals a day. You needed lunch - like most of us!

I know he's not a person who would deliberately cause pain but none the less, he is.

im afraid the issue is you. Not him. Your eating and your reaction to food is very unhealthy. Sitting there waiting to be fed, missing lunch, complaining, looking for hidden actions like dieting uou, and taking exception to words.

its you. Get some therapy if you cannot move on from your childhood, it happens and it’s ok. Understandable even, but accept it’s you and you need help instead of behaving in a punitive manner to,your husband, he doesn’t need having a word with.

For fucks sake, you're an adult!!

Eat the bloody food and if you're still hungry, have some bloody fruit!!

How is this even a fucking thread??? Please grow up!

I

If they are like me they possibly get up late, have breakfast around 10 30 or 11 then eat something in the evening.

It needs more protein. It’s very carb heavy which isn’t going to help weight loss. And you need to have a lunch.

That wouldn’t be enough for me.

I am currently 10.5 stone and losing weight at a rate of two pounds a week, and I would need to have at least the same for lunch and dinner. If skipping lunch, then I would need a bigger dinner.

Edit: didn’t mean to quote the opening post.

I have nothing further to add in relation to the portion size. But I just wanted to say good for you having the self-awareness to question if your childhood experiences were colouring what you were feeling rather than just lashing out at DH.
That's a really challenging thing for most adults to do.

It wouldn't be enough for me, sometimes I'll only have 2 meals , but I would always have a couple of snacks and there is no mention of snacks at all? 5pm is also quite early to have your last meal.

I calorie count, so based on your meals i would estimate the eggs and sourdough toast to be around 400-500 calories. Based on 2 slices of bread with 2 or 3 eggs. If your DH is health conscious I reckon he's been light on the butter.

Jacket with chickpea mayo and salad, around 400 cal , and even that could even be generous to be honest as the portion size is small and more like a lunch rather than an evening meal..

So you've consumed around 900 calories of food, it is no wonder you feel hungry. If your H isnt hungry but you, you could add a healthy and filling snack such as greek yogurt with fresh fruit and honey for around 250 cal. You would still be well under 1500 cals per day.

Well, I'm 54, not very active and maintain a BMI of 21 so you can tell I don't over eat, and I think that is a tiny and inadequate main meal. It looks like only half a potato for starters. It's a light lunch. How much did DH serve himself out of interest, and what had he eaten that day? If he'd eaten similar and isn't watching his weight I'd say he was maybe just projecting his appetite onto you. Otherwise, and if as you say its a trend, I agree he's putting you on a diet.