To just live separately in the same house?

[Waitinglistwait]

DH has checked out of the relationship, and this weekend I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

Does anyone else do this, live together but apart?

One of my closest friends did this when they split, there was no drama or any particular reason for the relationship breaking down so they just chose to stay living together with their children. At first this wasn’t an issue but it quickly became one when one of them decided that since they were actually single they wanted to go out and do what single people do, aka date! There was also the issue of if you’re not together anymore, if either of you is financially supporting the other in any way then that could all abruptly stop.

One of the main things to consider though especially when there are kids involved is that kids learn what a healthy, loving relationship looks like from watching their parents.

My friend and her partner managed this for 8 months and then formally separated, sold the house and began separate lives because long term it just doesn’t work.

I’ve been living like this and honestly you do yourself out of so much happiness by settling.

There isn’t really an alternative at the moment though @WhyWhyY , and I am worried about the affect on children (I know current things may affect them but we are very polite on the surface.)

It's probably not sustainable long term, especially with young children. But plenty of people do it most likely

I'm doing this at the moment. Ex-partner has moved on. It's hard going but the alternative for me is worse.

My cousin had to do this for almost 4 years after she divorced her husband. They were in negative equity (hugely) and it was a recession. It was fine. They established some ground rules and got on with it. It was an amicable split though (no abuse and no affair).

Agree with this. My toddler DD saw me and now exdp hug each other once and she was both bewildered and amused because she had literally never seen us show one another any sort of affection. I didn't like what she was learning from this and found it really sad that she wasn't witnessing a healthy relationship. Also I felt increasingly resentful of being the main cleaner, organiser etc which was running me into the ground and benefitting someone who I wasn't even in a relationship with who often treated me poorly and didn't care about my happiness.
I think there is often an imbalance in situations like this where it suits one party more than the other so they're keener to stay 'together'. It seems easier to do this but it does take its toll on your mental health and self esteem IME.

It’s not fine though is it? You have children with a father that isn’t engaged with family life.

It might be fine in the short term but what about if either of you meet somone else?
When my sister and her ex husband split up they had to live in the same house for about a year until they sold it it wasn't easy ,and it was a big house .

I did this for years when my kids were little, it was fine for me and l thought my kids. But now my kids are adults they tell me how unhappy they were in the household. I really should have just finished it properly.

This is what I have been told by friends who grew up with the same. They wished their parents hadn’t stayed together, although of course that was in hindsight and without the lens of separation.

Why were you the one entertaining the kids while he did his own thing?

My brother is doing this with his ex. They don't have a child living at home though which probably makes it easier. They both have a new partner and it all seems to be very civilised between them. I think they're hoping to separate properly sometime this year.

I technically did this for a little bit while I sorted out my backup plan and made sure it is what I wanted. My kids are only 5 and 1 and we moved out 6 weeks ago. The kid's have changed in a positive way, they are happier. The tension (that I didn't think was there as we were polite) means the three of us are now at ease. I did way more in every aspect of the house and the children, so he was literally getting a free nanny and cleaner, I resented him.
Now we have left the 5 year old tells me I am a much more fun mum and that I am happier now. Which makes me sad as I didn't think they were noticing quite as much as they have. But I'm more relaxed, doing things my own way, kid's are happier and settled. T

he kid's deserve to either see me respect myself and be happy single. Or see what a healthy relationship is. But I would be devastated if either of my children wasted their life in that situation.

Seek support, make an appt with citizen's advice and see what can be done.

My parents did this. If you had asked me at any point up to my mid 20s I would have said it was great: parents who didn't argue because not romantically involved, but where I still got to see both of them everyday and didn't have to move house. Now I realise how damaging it was. My sister and I are in our 30s and neither of us has ever had one single normal romantic relationship. We just don't know how, and we don't know what to look for, because not only it was never modelled to us, but a distinctly not romantic relationship was modelled to us instead. Honestly it's created a lot of resentment towards my parents. Not so much that they did it, but that they never really made clear to me what was happening and that it was bad. I guess they just wanted to preserve a happy family image. I so wish that even as an adult they'd taken me aside and said look, it was shit, we did it because we had no choice and didn't want split custody. Anyway my sister has moved from emotionally unavailable man to emotionally unavailable man. I got into a controlling, verbally abusive and sexless marriage. Once when I was about 28 I watched a friend's husband tenderly brush a crumb off my friend's face and my eyes filled with literal tears because I had never seen anyone in a real long term relationship do a small little loving gesture like that. I'm sorry to say I blame my parents, I wish they'd just had the fucking balls to divorce.

@VampireWeekday that is how I feel about what I’ve been doing. It’s a farce and its modelling behaviour or lack thereof that is damaging not only the little eyes watching but perhaps even to their future partners and their kids too. It’s devastating when you think about how significant not showing love to the person you’re supposed to love is.

That's so true! Have you managed to change your situation? I am also living a version of this now and feel devastated that I'm repeating the same mistakes as my parents. Hopefully it will change soon. In my case - and this sounds insane to say - I genuinely don't even think I realised that you're supposed to love your partner. I sort of thought the aim was to find someone you could raise children with reasonably ok. As a result I have never felt that I deserve love from a partner, either.

Op do you have separate bedrooms? I think that has to be the bare minimum. Plus complete financial independence.

I'm doing it now with ex fiance.
We split up over a year ago after 16 yrs together, no DC together but have one each, grown up and not living at home.
We live in my house and he has a house that he rents out.
No massive drama, a difficult conversation was had and we decided to split up.
He moved out for about a week, came back looking like shit, let him get his head down in the spare room and he's never left.
We are friends, we love each other but are no longer in love.
We eat together, go out for the occasional meal, do each others washing, watch TV together.
We even went on holiday together last summer, not preplanned, we booked it whilst broken up.
It comes down to respect and expectations I think, we respect each other and have no expectation of getting back together, it works for us.

I've done it for 7 years, about to come to an end soon. Yey!!
Separate bedrooms
Separate finances
Separate food (occasional family meal for DC sake etc)
Don't socialise together
Clear house rules
No arguments in front of DC but explain in age appropriate terms what is happening.
If DC involved, maintain amicable relationships with family/friends

If your both willing to make it work, it will be fine. It's no one else's business what you do.

I'm stuck living in the same house as my husband who couldn't care less about me, he's cruel and vile to me. It's definitely a form of abuse. I find it difficult to function because of the anxiety it causes me. We barely speak these days which is a relief. I do want to get away because it's seriously affecting my mental health, I've told him but he doesn't care. I don't earn much. It breaks me apart when I think about leaving my 14 year old. Why should I have to choose between living in this hell and living with my son. I'm not uprooting my son. So often I go to bed hoping not to wake up. I wonder how many other people live miserably like this? It does feel like a waste of life. I really hope there are happier times ahead, but for now this is me.

@thirtyeighty - that sounds really difficult. Maybe you could start a post of your own and get some advice.

Sorry but I don't think it works.

I tried it (without children) and it didn't. Plenty of friends have and it didn't. Either they are at eachother throats or if there are children just seething resentment and hostility which they tell themselves the kids don't pick up on but which they must. Or in one 'successful' case they've both retreated into celibacy (and depression, alcoholism etc.)

I’m in the beginning (or final) throes if you like. I have an offer in on a house and at the point of survey.

I know it will get a hell of a lot harder before it gets better.

Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. Lots to think about.