To just live separately in the same house?

[Waitinglistwait]

DH has checked out of the relationship, and this weekend I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

Does anyone else do this, live together but apart?

I have a friend who is in this situation now, amicable split with DH but still living together for various practical reasons (different bedrooms obviously), it works for them because they are still friendly, but also acknowledge that it's not a long term arrangement as things would get awkward if one of them met someone else which is likely at some point

There’s a lot of posts like this seeking to both shame and blame (I’m sorry if I read your motives wrongly.)

I have nowhere to go. In time I might be able to sort something. Right now I can’t. Telling me how awfully my children are suffering when actually I’m the one making sure they eat, are clean, entertained and as stable as possible is galling to be honest.

So he is now acting as a single, childfree man and you are acting as a single parent.

Pretty much although he would refute it.

Ok so he shuts down communication and does what the fuck he wants. NO more you washing his clothes, he gets his own meals etc. He needs a shock. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it, while you do all the domestic grunt work and lone parenting.

@Waitinglistwait would you like your relationship to get back on track? Seems like you have been together a long time and until recently things were good/ fine? Have you ever had periods of similar behaviour from your husband?

It sounds really difficult at the moment and you sound very hurt ( and a bit defensive which is understandable). It sounds as if communication has broken down and that’s the main barrier to finding out what’s gone wrong. If he won’t talk to you perhaps you could send him an email telling him how you feel? Rather than an accusation of him behaving badly it could be a simple ‘I feel that we aren’t connecting and have become very distant lately and that’s making me feel really sad and unsettled. We need to communicate and talk about this. Please can you think this through and let me know how you are feeling and if you are going through something we need to talk because we are married and have children.’

It won’t magically change things but possibly he’ll find it easier than actual talking. Even if he won’t talk he will have heard how you feel.

Well yeah he can do that @MissHarrietBede … it makes no real difference to me.

@MatildaTheCat i an hurting and it is upsetting when posters pretend I’m the problem

I’m not pretending you’re the problem. I’m suggesting ways of improving the situation.

Im sorry you’re hurting, genuinely.

I didn’t mean you, sorry. DH just tells me I’m being silly whenever I try to talk to him. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened but I just can’t even be bothered to try to fix it to be honest.

Forgot to add, personally I have never known a man to not think about feeding his DC when they are in his care. Yours sounds utterly selfish, and uncaring to his DC to the point of neglect.

I think a huge number of couples do this yes

Do you juggle work on top of family?

Currently on mat leave

I have a friend whose parents suddenly announced they were divorcing when she and her siblings were in their teens.

It came as a real shock to them as they had no idea that things weren't ok between them.

But the mum said this was because they'd basically been living separate lives for ages but being very cordial to each other, and the children just didn't notice.

So he's happy to continue paying all bills etc?

Huh?

OP is on mat leave, not unemployed.

Most people still get paid (to a greater or lesser degree) on mat leave. There is nothing in this thread to suggest the OPs partner is paying all the bills.

Yeah I know about maternity pay and how it all works.

Op you said upthread he's checked out, not present, irritable. He does his own thing, goes out etc.... you are vulnerable and have not long since given birth. Protect yourself. Be prepared.

I don't have useful advice because I don't do relationships but I'm just wondering: as he isn't abusive (at least, I don't think you have said he is) and he was happy with you until recently, how would he react if you just asked him to leave? I understand that you don't have anywhere else to go but maybe he does and maybe he would go if he realised how unhappy you are. Or, if he wouldn't go, maybe just you asking would make him realise how bad things have suddenly become and he might become more willing to address it.

I might be really wrong here but do you think this is to do with sex? In my experience, lack of sex for men can often trigger a really extreme reaction and often sulking / withdrawing time and affection and general moodiness which obviously is going to have the opposite affect to what they are looking for and causes their partner to want it even less!

OP, whether you split or stay together, its going to have an effect on you, your self esteem, and your kids.
But the situation is not of your making. You aren't the one that checked out. So decide what's best for you - because you are going to be the one left coping - and review your decision whenever the situation changes.