To just live separately in the same house?

[Waitinglistwait]

DH has checked out of the relationship, and this weekend I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

Does anyone else do this, live together but apart?

Looking at the number of people in similar situations, I wonder if this will become more and more common as two incomes are needed to support a household? Living separately just isn't financially viable, even when the relationship is clearly over.

Has he got someone else?
You need to ask straight up what the problem is and tell him you won't tolerate living as a single parent whilst he does what he likes.
You'd be better off single, this is no way to live, no example to children.
Make plans to leave, get as much advice as you can.
Or will partner leave, as he's checked out, so you and children can stay in house?

I disagree with most people on this thread. My dad wasn't a great dad and didn't really care about anything apart from work, he had a temper and I had no respect for him. I still would never have wanted my parents to split up and
I'm really glad they didn't. I'd have had to leave the family home, spend time with my dad alone wherever he lived, would have had to deal with my parents getting into relationships and possibly having children with other people. All the safety and security would have been gone out of my life. It's one of the things I'm most grateful for, that my parents always stayed together.

I've been in a 'together but not together' relationship now for a couple of years (after 25 years together) and it works well for us. We get on really well, do lots of things together and it's all very easy. The only things we don't do are kissing and sex and at 50 years old I'm not too upset about the lack of sex. If either of us ever met someone else then we'd just take it from there.

I'm really glad they didn't. I'd have had to leave the family home, spend time with my dad alone wherever he lived, would have had to deal with my parents getting into relationships and possibly having children with other people. All the safety and security would have been gone out of my life.

My children didn't need to leave their family home. My youngest has chosen not to spend any time with his Dad. I don't know about my ex, but I haven't had a relationship since divorce and certainly didn't intend to have any more children.
My sons' safety and security improved immeasurably after divorce.

Why so arsey?

If he's been like this for one month, why aren't you discussing it with him? That's the confusing bit.

If you can't, there are problems in your marriage dating much longer than 1 month.

Equally, if you know you are separating, don't you need to talk to him about this anyway?

These are all the confusing elements.

A conversation is a two way thing Earrings, you can’t discuss something with someone who won’t discuss it.

As for why so arsey - I didn’t appreciate being told I made no sense. I really did think that was very rude, tbh.

Ok, so a month ago things changed and he became distant, stopped engaging in family life and refuses to communicate with you. And things were good before that. Can you think of anything that may have happened in the past month to cause this? Another woman maybe?

So you've tried talking & he won't? Well, you didn't say that, and we are not mind-readers.

I disagree with you - I've tried to help. If you say that you've had one month of your H withdrawing, but it was lovely before, and now you are wondering about separating but living together, without even discussing it - yes, that makes no sense. It's not rude to say so.

Clearly you're not disclosing everything and that's fine. But it may mean replies aren't as helpful as they might be.

If you have tried talking to him, and he won't engage, seek counselling separately and then legal advice about separation.

I mean, yes, you'd think this would be the first question OP would ask. What has changed in the last month?

Earrings … what are you actually trying to achieve here? You are being extremely patronising and really unpleasant which I know you’ll splutter and squawk in indignation at but you are speaking about me as if I am a very dim teenager.

The answer is a lot. Can I do anything about it, no. Is any of it my fault, also no. Have I tried my best to sort it, yes.

I have been treated like complete shit and it’s changed how I feel about my husband. I’m sorry if that “confuses” you.

@Waitinglistwait

I'm trying to help, as someone who has gone through a separation / divorce.

Clearly I'm not 🤷🏻‍♀️ it doesn't seem like you want practical advice which is fine.

I just find it perplexing you are talking about separation before trying to address the month-long issue. But I wish you well, hope things improve 💐

I'm trying to help

You're not. The faux oh gee I am so confused by the OPs posts was not helpful. The sarcastic youd think that would be the first question the OP would ask, wouldn’t you? was not helpful. Bore off

A month isn’t very long OP, especially if you were happy before. It seems strange that he’s suddenly changed - can you think of anything to explain it? Work stress, health problem, family argument…..something..

I am not claiming it’s a long time - but my feelings have changed and I can’t pretend otherwise. It’s more like six weeks and that is a long then when you’re spoken to like shit, tbh.

Obviously at first I have tried to talk about it but Dhs standard response when I bring up anything is ‘don’t be silly.’

Absolutely 6 weeks is a long time to be treated like shit and shut down when you try and communicate. Do you have any inkling as to why his behaviour has changed so dramatically when you were happy in January?

You are really rude.

I've no idea why, perhaps everything is really difficult for you right now. (Genuinely meant, not patronising)

I wasn't being 'faux' anything or sarcastic. I'm sorry that's how you experienced it when it wasn't intended, at all. (Again, meant genuinely).

I thought I gave practical advice. You clearly don't want that.

I won't 'bore off' (how nasty) but happy to leave you to it.

Just to note that while this is an anonymous forum, being utterly insulting to people genuinely help, who may have their own stuff going on, is pretty mean & can be pretty hurtful.

Hope things improve for you, nonetheless.

So does he think everything is fine? Or does he acknowledge he’s checked out/spoken to you like shit?

Also, has he checked out with the kids and with house chores, or just with you?

I think he knows he isn’t behaving brilliantly but doesn’t know how it’s made me feel (and before anyone starts I have tried.)

@EarringsandLipstick go be confused somewhere else

@Waitinglistwait

Why are you still being vicious to me? Repeatedly? Happy to leave you to it, which I did politely & still offering support.

Does it make you feel better, when you're upset, to lash out at someone else?

Do you know what has changed to make him not behave brilliantly? It is odd for someone’s behaviour to change so significantly in such a short space of time, without there being a reason for it.

I do know but it’s not something I can help or do anything about, or I’ve done what I can anyway. Point is we should be working through it together.

I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

At least leave him to go the childcare half the time.

He just vanishes. And when he does have them he doesn’t feed them or look after them. I can’t be responsible in a roundabout way for them being hurt.

It's hard enough to get a DH to pull their weight with childcare, chores etc. when you're both committed to the marriage. I can't see how this would work unless you had very clearly communicated agreements about shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

If you aren’t “together” you are doing your children more harm than good. Believe me. I was a child in this situation and it was just a weird unspoken dynamic and warped what I thought was normal growing up.