To just live separately in the same house?

[Waitinglistwait]

DH has checked out of the relationship, and this weekend I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

Does anyone else do this, live together but apart?

Please don't believe the kids don't pick up on this. You are underestimating how much they see abd understand. Just because you aren't rowing, doesn't mean the environment is healthy or happy. Because it certainly isn't. My sisters husband has checked out of their family life to a larger degree. The kids are more than aware and it shows in the way they treat their Mum. This could be a short term fix until you find a permanent solution, but it's certainly not a long term solution.

How do finances work?

Who pays for kids stuff? Childcare?

What if you both meet new people?

And who is doing the cleaning/shopping/housework?

I agree with this. My children don’t treat me the best because their father doesn’t value me why should they?

My friend lives like that with her husband and two children. It's extremely toxic and emotionally draining. She said she is doing it for children.

It’s just hard as this is not what I wanted for them

Why are you allowing him to check out of parenting? That's the worrying bit. As said, everyday your children are learning what the parental roles are and how we should be treated. It's a recipe for MH issues. But if you have to then just try to get out ASAP.

Well what would you have me do?

Tell him he can’t? And when he doesn’t listen?

Leave.

And where am I going to go?

Very easy to tell other people what to do. Isn’t it?

You asked for advice, and that’s what people are trying to give. If you’re happy with the set up and don’t want to do anything differently, why post?

I don’t think anybody is saying it’s “easy” OP but what people are saying is that it’s what is necessary. Unless you want to spend your life uncomfortable in your own home, pretending, and your kids growing up thinking that’s what a healthy relationship looks like, it’s necessary. It’s not easy, nobody is saying that, but neither will it be easy for example the day he decides he wants to have a romantic night in with his new girlfriend and you & your kids have to…what? Hide in your rooms?

I asked if anyone did something similar. It’s one thing asking for advice but posts implying it is my fault (why are you letting him …) and posts that are unrealistic (leave) are not helpful and I have the right to say as much.

But at the moment @Mrsttcno1 i can’t.

Even it I had the money getting a rental properly isn’t straightforward. Leaving won’t be practical for at least twelve months I would say.

I think it sounds a bit shit for you and good for him. He can do what he wants and has a built in babysitter.

Short term as long as you’re getting along ok it will be fine, but resentment will build up long term.

Of course you have the right to say as much. Apologies, I thought you were asking for advice. If you’re happy with the situation and don’t want to change it then that’s great, good luck with it all.

I know @DarkDarkNight … it was ever thus! But the kids do need parenting by someone and I don’t actually mind. HFS nicer when he’s not around though, constant criticism and complaining.

It’s not hfs!

We are friends, we love each other but are no longer in love.
We eat together, go out for the occasional meal, do each others washing, watch TV together

This is my marriage, and we aren't separated... 😕

I did it for about three years while I manouvred myself into a financial position to divorce. It was horrible, and I wouldn't recommend, unless there was no other option, but if it's working for all of you then crack on.

I was fully prepared to live under one roof for a year or even two while we untangled finances and divorced when I told Stbxh I was done. I had zero other choices. Luckily 6 months later he found his own place and moved out. Those 6 months were pretty bad, but at least I was finally through that moment of fear telling him and moving toward a divorce. My stbxh is abusive so I can't really speak to how it might be if he isn't abusive.

Ultimately sometimes you have no good choices and you have to choose the least bad option. Getting everything sorted over a year or so while living under one roof might currently be your least bad choice. Think of how it would need to work financially. Think of how you'll feel still doing everything in a house with another adult who is their other parent, but is sat on his arse leaving it all yo you. I told stbxh we could make the financial split straight away or just keep things how they were and he opted to do the later while looking for a house. He did even less in those 6 months then he'd done before. He refused to communicate and would just disappear for hours at a time or suddenly need the only car when we had kids to get to sport and other commitments. I didnt GAF where he was but it hurt the kids and I couldn't tell them where he'd gone or when he'd be back. He was a dick about how the kids reacted after we told them for a few months. Couldn't see the acting out was related to the divorce. Everything was about him and what he deserved. If Id had any other choice Id have done it all quitely and found a rental and have been ready to move out as soon as I told him, but that wasn't an option. It was a better option then doing nothing and staying, but it wasn't a good option. Just the least bad one.

ed to add: Im glad I did it, even glader it only last 6 months. It was a means to an end and it served its purpose but it wasn't without harm.

@Waitinglistwait I left my husband because the toxic environment was detrimental to my daughter and myself. Was it terrifying? Categorically yes. Was it going to be financially detrimental? Yes. Did I have anywhere to go at the time? No.

But was it the right thing to do? Categorically yes. Did I find a way to make it work? Yes. Am I happier. Yes. Is my daughter being raised by two parents who are happier, in healthier environments. Very much yes.

You have asked for advice. People are giving you advice from their own life experiences. That's not always comfortable because it won't always fit with your feelings. That's not to say they are wrong.

If it's amicable, and you both know your splitting but just riding it out till as soon as finances allow to live separately. Then it's fine.
Me personally I like a lot of my own space and so does DH. So we have our own areas we spend most time in, then spend a few hours together at night. But if your relationship has broken down it is best to make plans for separate homes as soon as you're able.

‘Leave’ is not advice.

It isn’t about it being terrifying. I can’t sleep in my car with two kids and I have nowhere to go.

And you obviously did have somewhere to go because you went!